Once Upon A Happy Time, Indeed
My faith stands strong
But my flesh has weakened
I feel unworthy
Due to your taunts and criticisms
Do not let worldly desires blind you from your faith
Many say as others say that
The darkness wouldn’t be so embalming
If I had some faith in the Almighty.
I simply cannot do right by you
For whenever I change,
You always see something lacking.
You think that I have everything
But is what you see really what I desire?
The voices in my head begin to scream,
Their demeaning words echoing in my mind,
And more often than not,
I agree with them.
Words of self hate race through my mind
As I stare at myself in the mirror,
I am unworthy, I chant to myself.
I sit by myself, not because of wanting isolation,
I sit there contemplating
Whether or not to reach out to someone
To break the silence
Before it shatters me any further.
Then the act follows,
A plastic smile creeps onto my face
As strained laughs leave my mouth
If only they knew the bitter truth,
That nothing destructible remained
For I’d long been shattered an destroyed.
All I have left is my false alias
An independent and fierce being,
Whose will never breaks.
But alas, when the sun sets
And darkness encompasses the earth,
The once strong and steady confinements
That house the pain and sorrow
In my mind and heart
Come crashing down, like an old monument
Whose walls and foundation
Have been weathered by time
As well as man’s reckless hand.
My cry for help falls onto deaf or ignorant ears,
Salty tears are now but a precious
And abundant liquid,
A sight for sore eyes,
If I may say,
For they quench my thirst
For a form of release.
I lie in the warmth of my blanket
Sharing my misery with my pillows,
Through rivulets of tears,
The foam heavens are, after all,
The only ones willing to listen.
I am fatigued by my quest to survive
When I could be living,
Living to the fullest.
Changing faces often
As often as one would change clothes,
The world's preposterous expectations
Weighing on my already strained back
I often feel like a canvas, whose identity,
May only be determined by the painter.
I now but struggle to simply survive
Than to actually live
A time when I was a little girl,
Bubbly and excited as ever
Is now but a distant memory.
Once upon a happy time,
I was young and carefree
Free spirited and unshaken
But now I lay in the darkness
And in the silence
Wondering when the light may appear,
If it will ever bother to light up my life,
To give this broken soul a sense of purpose
A glimmer of hope and,
A reason to smile
But for now I lay awake,
Wondering what more to do,
To make myself more deserving,
And more worthy to you.