Deep breaths Nia, listen to yourself damn it. I couldn’t, I can’t. Fuck. My breaths were coming out fast; it was all coming back. I clutched my bed sheets, swimming in my own sweat. I didn’t need it now; I didn’t need those demons to deliver their memories. I was already lost in Minotaurs maze of memories.
“Stop.... please.....” I whimpered quietly. I could die right now, and no one would know.
I saw my reflection in my little dressing mirror; daddy bought it for on my birthday, he said a big girl who was turning five and deserved a special present. Mummy called me her princess, and so, of course, I had to dress the part. I grabbed my golden crown put it on my head, and it went well with my pink pyjamas. I looked outside and could see the slight shimmer of sunlight.
I quickly ran to my window; the wooden floor felt like ice, it was getting cold lately. Winter would be coming soon; mummy never lets me out during winter, and that’s why I didn’t like winter at all. I should be in bed as it was so early in the morning, and if mummy found out, well I don’t want to think about that now.
The last time Mummy found me out of bed, she told me I wouldn’t be allowed to go outside for two whole days. It’s not fun to stay inside, especially in summer. The outdoors call for your attention, I mean my only friends are outside. I sing to them, and I dance for them; they love me, they’re my trees. Worst two days it was so lonely staying inside; I didn’t have anyone and mummy is always busy cleaning, daddy’s out at work.
Sunrises were my favourite, that why I woke up during this time because mummy once told me that the sunrise was God, he woke up from his sleep to wash away all the evil from the earth. That’s why when you look out you can see the rays of the sun climbing across our field, spreading their light and washing away the demons.
Then I saw a twinkle of light, the clouds were like bed sheets in which the sun had finally awoken. It shone upon the trees first which stood tall in the empty field and then slowly spreading to the crops. The golden rays danced with the music of the wind, while the trees waved along. I wish I could go out there.
Every morning when I stood by the window, I liked to look at my little drawings. There was one of me, mummy and daddy. Mummy was in a pink dress, she never wears colorful clothes only her dull gray pajamas, I asked her once, but she said to me that color was only for people that had joy in their lives. I didn’t understand, but I didn’t like Mummy’s real clothes, so I drew her pink dress. Daddy was in his usual black suit and tie, and he was standing far away from Mummy. I was in the middle in a pink dress with a golden crown.
Then there was one of Tiana and me, and I hadn’t seen Tiana in a long time. She was my friend, real friend, and now she would be starting school soon she told me she would be. I wish I could go to school, but mummy doesn’t want me to go to school. She said I could go later, for now, she wants me to stay with her at home, where it’s safe.
Just then I heard the sound of tires on the loose gravel road and quickly without looking I hid under the window. I took a quick peek, it was Daddy’s car, and I wondered what he was doing. I’d never seen Daddy come home during this time in the morning. It felt weird, and I wondered if it was daddy, but it wasn’t like anyone ever came to our house anyways.
Still, I took another quick peek and it was in fact Daddy in the car, but there was also someone else. It was a lady. A lady in a blue dress, she was so beautiful just like one of the fairies in my books. I wondered what Daddy was doing with a pretty lady. I would run up to him to say hello, but I he would tell Mummy I was out of bed. Daddy was acting unusual, he touched her face, then he kissed her cheek and then her lips. I’ve never seen daddy do this before and I don’t think I should be looking.
Then the blue dress started coming off, and now I definitely knew I shouldn’t be looking, and so I looked away. I felt mortified after it all, I didn’t contemplate what just happened? Tomorrow I’ll pretend it never occurred.
Escaping the memory, I clutched my bed sheets tighter. I still remember that morning my mother woke up with bruises, I asked her why and she told me it was flea bites. I didn’t question it, but that was my first secret revealed by my very own bedroom window. I didn’t know it then, but I know it now. So I began this game of hunting for secrets and playing the game of hide and seek, the secrets were hidden, and I was seeking.