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Three Reindeer

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My Feelings Journal

17/02/ 2021 Monday

Name; Sasha Vye

Age; 16 and 11 months and 23 days.

School I.d number; 21002

Mrs Hants, class 9

Its not my fault its that stupid bitches

I fucking hate hate her and I want to smash her stupid head in.

I’m so angry this is all so stupid. I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

My name is Sasha but my classmates all call me Smasher which I hate. Sometimes they call me crasher which I still hate but not so much. I am 16 years,11 months and 23 days old and I’m starting my feelings journey to help me control my anger and help my teachers find out what makes me have an ‘episode’.

My school has 60 students and I am in class nine. My teacher is Mrs Hant and she is making me write this journal. I live in a little fishing village called Eggum which is on a little island in Loften at the top of Norway. In my village there is a school, a museum , a restaurant and a national park, however I spend most of my time at school or at Stellar’s.

Stellar is my caregiver and I love her. She is my best friend and she lets me play games and doesn’t yell at me when I swear. She doesn’t like bread and she likes to go running but I’m not allowed to go with her. This is good because I get to stay at home and play games on my phone, but I’m not allowed my phone at the moment because of this stupid bitch who is a fucking slut and should die because I got into a fight at school so this is my punishment. Stellar has a dog called Moose. He is my second best friend and I love him. One day I want to have a dog and we can go on adventures together.

This is what I think of when I think of Moose:

It was a snowy day and Sasha and Moose were going to school. Moose came to school with Sasha because he loved her and wanted to protect her from the bullies. Moose can talk to bullies and everyone loves him because he is the best dog in the world. It was a snowy day and Sasha was at school too. Nobody called her crasher, smasher or idiot or fucking spastic like they sometimes do. Everybody was happy because Moose was there.

I forgot the rest of the story and my teacher said I should keep this journal for my thoughts and feelings and write my Moose and Sasha adventures in my other book. Today has not been a good day which makes my brain fog worse. Some days I feel great and like my head is working and I can see clearly. Other days, like today, are bad and I want to sit in my room and play Mine craft alone or with Stellar and Moose. I think tomorrow will be better as it is a day closer to my birthday.

Good work Sasha :) Please write more tomorrow

18/02/2021 Tuesday

It is Tuesday today and I am having a good day. My headache has gone and it is not as sunny today so my eyes feel ok too. Stellar went running this morning with Moose and I ate oats for breakfast. She let me have extra honey on it to make it sweet and tasty, which made me happy. Mr Lund picked me up in the minivan and I sat next to Kristian which I also liked because he never talks. Sometimes I talk to him but he never talks back, but I’m ok with that.

Then at school I skidded over two meters on the icy puddle at the gate, which I think is one of the longest skids that I have done and I think everyone was impressed. First I had maths class which wasn’t great as there is so much to remember and I can tell Miss Liamh gets annoyed because she has to repeat it so many times. Then I had art class which is my favourite as I get to focus on something which I also enjoy. When I am happy and focused the more I can get my brain to do. It is like I can see without there being a cloud of fog over my head. I wish I had art class first then maths class as I think it would help me concentrate.

For lunch I ate a prawn sandwich and also a bowl of yogurt. I wanted to eat the cake I saw Kristian eating, he always has the best lunch. We are meant to be buddies at school so we keep each other out of trouble but he likes to sit on his own and eat lunch. So do I, that’s why I sit alone too. Kristian also ate a hot dog which looked delicious. The nurse who visits me and Stellar said I need to watch what I eat as I am getting too heavy. I hate her just as much as I hate Lynda and Karl. Karl is stupid and he calls me names like fuck head and piss stinker. Lynda is his buddy and they are worse when they are together, which is all the time. I wish they both would fall off of a cliff and die.

My teacher said I should stay away from them if they can’t say anything nice. This is my last year at Eelam School for Special Students and I will be happy when I don’t have to see them anymore. I think they laugh at me a lot which is unkind too. I felt better when I remembered that Stellar had written a note and stuck it inside my lunchbox saying ‘you are my sunshine’ and she had drawn a little sun with a happy face next to it. She is my best friend. I hope she doesn’t leave when I finish school. This is what my class helper calls a negative thought. Sometimes I get theses when I think people are talking about me or that people are going to leave me like dad, grandma and grandpa did. Sometimes thinking about negative thoughts makes me have more negative thoughts like how I should just kill myself .

She said when I get these thoughts I should hum a song that I like, then it makes them go away because I have to concentrate on something else. I hummed you are my sunshine, my only sunshine for the rest of the day and it did make me happy. I had PE class after lunch and I skipped rope for 5 minutes then we played dodgeball and I didn’t get hit so that was good too. My last class was reading class and I started reading a new book called Charlotte’s web. My teacher said I’m good at reading and I have a high reading age. I love reading as much as I love art. I wish all day I could just read stories and paint pictures. When it is my birthday next week I want to do this.

After school I will get the mini bus back home and tell Stellar and Moose all about my day. Then I will do some more reading and pack my school bag ready for tomorrow. I might watch some YouTube videos. I can’t watch any YouTube videos as I forgot that I’m not allowed my phone until the weekend Fuck fuck fuck. No, it’s ok I will play a game with Moose and we can watch some tv until it’s time for bed.

Great work! Please write again tomorrow :)

19/02/2021 Wednesday

Today is another good day! Me, Stellar and Moose played this game last night and it was so much fun. You had to draw a picture and the other person had to guess what it was. I’m not sure who won the game but it made me very happy anyway. The minivan picked me up again and I sat next to Kristian and told him all about it. I skidded on the ice again outside the school and went really far but I almost lost my balance, but that was fun too. I didn’t see Karl in class today. Maybe he died then it would make today the best day. Maybe he is sick as a lot of people are sneezing and it is cold. It snowed last night and everyone was wearing big coats. Stellar said it was -9 when she went out for her run this morning, I’m surprised Moose’s paws don’t freeze off!

I had Pe class first and I skipped for 5 minutes then we played this game of Stiv Heks which was so much fun. Some of the kids would run around and others were the witches and if a witch kid touches you you have to freeze until a free kid touches you then you can run again. It was over when everyone was frozen but that was ok as I was getting pretty tired anyway. Next I had maths which was ok. Then I had lunch and reading class in the afternoon. Kristian ate another hot dog and it looked so yummy. I asked if I could swap it for my chicken sandwich but he didn’t say anything which means no. I read some more of Charlotte’s web, I’m now on page 46. I like Wilbur the pig, he is a cool pig and I think he would be friends with Moose if they ever met. The sun came out in the afternoon and I got a bit distracted instead of paying attention in my life skills class. I’m sorry Mrs Hansen If I was annoying and I promise to do all my homework and practice what we learned today about taking the bus and safety online.

After school I will get the minibus home and then me and Stellar are going to pick a cake for my birthday. We are ordering one from the restaurant in town and it has to be big enough for me, Stellar, Moose, and my grandma and grandpa because they might be able to come and see me, but Stellar said that I shouldn’t get too excited about this just in case the weather is bad and they can’t make it. They have to get a boat or a flight from Bodo which is a couple of hours away from where we live. They moved there just after my mum died which made it twice as sad but I don’t remember much from then as then my head was really bad at remembering stuff. I hope they do make it but if they don’t it means there is more cake for me and Stellar which is also ok.

Excellent work Sasha!

You are getting better and better :)

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