Chapter 29: The Logic
Logic, logic is something I can understand. And if you understand how something is made then you can understand how to fix it if it breaks. Or you can use that understanding to replicate the process and create a new object, all you need is the understanding to know what parts the object comprises of and how the parts are put together to make the whole. If you have the parts but do not understand how they work together to make the whole, all you have is pieces. If you understand how the parts work together to make the whole but have none of the parts, all you have is knowledge. But if you have both the parts and the knowledge then you are capable of restoring the broken, and, capable of recreating a replica. But the true power lies in the ability to take the parts and the knowledge and manipulate them so as to create something new, something that returns the results you desire from that object. All you need is understanding of the original, of its influencing factors and how the various parts affect the final outcome it yields. Then... then you can create multiply variances of one original that each yield their own results, by applying the understanding of how the original works. “They” understand this concept.
D.I.D is the term given to a person with two or more distinct identities or personality states that are displayed by the person of which the identities can or cannot be aware of each other which in the latter case is the cause of “loss of time” experienced. It used to be called “Multiply Personality Disorder”.
The condition is caused by severe repetitive trauma which threatens the survival of the individuals ability to cope in the conscious state and therefore an alternative ego is created to deal with the trauma. This way, the conscious state can survive and cope without associating itself directly with the trauma.
It is considered a gift. A means to survive an otherwise unsurvivable situation.
For me, I considered it a weakness. For its the inability to cope that causes it, and I was taught that “No child of mine is allowed weakness” by F.
I realise that I should be grateful for the gift that allowed me to survive. But I would rather have not survived. Because from where I come from, my surviving means others being hurt. And I would rather be killed than another be hurt. I do not value my life above an others. Who am I to think I should be the one who survives? That would mean I thought myself important in some manner. That would mean I thought I have worth. And I was taught that I have no right to consider myself of any value. It was like an unforgivable sin. A sin that would be the cause of many to be hurt, that I would be responsible for. And therefore to think I am worth something has always been a feeling that carries immense guilt and expectation of causing others to be hurt. It is something I still battle with.
The way to heal is unfortunately through reliving the trauma that created the various identities and in so doing deal with the trauma and remove the need for the alternate identity. This would result in the identity integrating and eventually after facing all the trauma I would be whole. So you are taught in therapy that you need to embrace the identities. That you must acknowledge them and accept them. This is how you heal.
I really battle with this. So my experience of therapy is not a very successful one, and I want healing. But the fact is, I hate having “parts”. So how do I embrace them when I hate them? Today, after 3 years of trying to resolve my attitude towards this gift I have, I finally realised why I have not been able to accept having “parts”. Because accepting I have “parts” means I have to accept that I am guilty of the unforgivable sin. I am guilty of considering myself to have worth because I survived. I survived. Me. All these years I have convinced myself that I am not one of those people who value themselves over another, that I am not one of those people who would allow another to be hurt in order for themselves to survive. I convinced myself that I was one of those people who would rather lay down their life than watch another be hurt. That I was one of those people who would risk my life to save another. Today I realised that I am not one of those people. If I was, I would not have parts. If I was, I would not have survived. I do not understand how I could of considered myself worth saving. I mean, why would I want to survive? For what possible reason could I actually want to live? That was something else I had to realise today. I have convinced myself that I do not need to know what it is to experience the things in life a person normally would experience. The things like acceptance, being valued, being wanted, being loved. To experience parents that gave me those things. I have convinced myself that I am happy to leave this world and go home to God. That I don’t need what this life is supposed to offer. That its okay that I never had that. That it does not hurt to know I was not enough to make my own parents love me. Is that not supposed to be something that happens automatically with parents? I tried everything I could but nothing worked. I just am not enough. No matter how I convince myself that its not important, the truth is, its a lie. It was important enough to me that I wanted to live. It was important enough to me that I put myself above others, for the hope that if I was alive there was a chance that I would be loved. Who did I think I was? And now, I cannot undo what I did as a child. I cannot go back and not survive and save those from being hurt. They were hurt. And I am responsible. Because I put my wants, I put myself above others. And they paid.
By hating my “parts” I somehow convinced myself that I did not create them, that it was not my will to survive that created them. Because if it was then I am responsible for others being hurt. And I am.
I do not know how to deal with emotion. To feel is weakness. Feeling is needing. And I don’t acknowledge needing because then I have to acknowledge everything I never received. And I do not know how to deal with that. It was the fact that I needed that resulted in me surviving. I should not have wanted to survive.
One of the fundamental rules of childhood is “Don’t want, don’t need, don’t question”. Obviously I did not learn very well, cause I wanted to live. I wanted it enough that I survived. I survived by creating other identities to carry the things I could not carry as my own. I wish I had just let go. I wish I had not survived.
But I did. And I have to live with that. So to be told I was given a gift, I do not understand that. At what price was the gift given?
They say that a high iq is needed for someone to have the ability to dissociate. They say that those faced with the same trauma and with an average or low iq would either die or end up not coping in a conscious state. They end up “crazy”, stuck in their heads and not able to participate in reality, like they cant find a conscious state to participate, or more accurately like they cant cope with their conscious state of reality so they are not conscious of it. They say. But we are raised to believe we are the opposite of clever.
I wanted to understand what happened inside the brain that resulted in dissociation. Believing that if I could understand the logic of it then I would know how to fix myself. I needed to find a way to heal without having to use the conventional method of embracing other identities and reliving the traumas they carried so that they could integrate with me. I needed an out that did not involve having to face emotions and I did not want to know details that I did not consciously know. I still feel that way. But I am no longer so sure that there is another way. However, I did some research on the brain to figure out what it was that the brain did logically a couple of months back. Below is my very basic understanding of it.