Chapter 34: Unlovable
It’s strange I guess how the emotional pain is what seems to scar the deepest. How the shame that goes with sexual abuse is so much lighter than the shame of admitting you never knew how to make your parents love you. And because it is not something that I readily admit to, in fact there are less than a handful of people including therapists that I might of admitted it to in a uninterested manner of course, its not a topic I have discussed in length with any of my friends that are from sra backgrounds. But it is something that I have felt at all times of my life. I find it strange if I think of the logic of it that it was not something that was dissociated by me to a “part” where I did not have to deal with it. I do not know if perhaps it has to do with being a major part of controlling what is termed the “fronting alters” which are the “parts” created by the cult to be the personalities the world sees. These “parts” are generally unaware of any other “parts”. Perhaps as the fronting alters are supposed to be unaware of the abuse experienced by amnesic “parts” it makes sense that they would keep the control by using emotional aspects, like always knowing that you never fit, that you are different, that you are inadequate of succeeding in something that seemed such a normal achievement for every other person. The greatest failure is definitely failing at being someone that could be loved. There is no way to explain how stupid a person feels for not being able to achieve it. I still do not know what are the qualities I am supposed to know and I am too ashamed to ask and too proud to admit how desperately I craved it and always will. So we still pretend that we don’t need to know what it is, that it has no affect on us. But still, its always been there and I can only assume that emotional trauma was the main controlling factor for the parts they created to be present in life.