Chapter 35: Beginnings
There are six “parts” that where created as the main “parts” in my life. And from there other “parts” were created as “off-shoots” of a particular main part. We were taught to be the person we were at all times. Or perhaps its better phrased as being taught to know how to access the parts we were expected to be. When I turned four I was given a doll. It was a big occasion. I was given a doll who came with bedding and a wardrobe of clothes that matched mine. M made them all. This doll I was taught that whatever my mother put out for the doll to wear was what I too would wear. I was taught how to discipline her too. If I was in trouble again, I would have to do to her what was done to me. First it was colours. When the doll and I wore certain colours we would be treated in a certain way. Like for example we would be expected to be more talkative and carefree kinda, we would be encouraged to act like that and when we acted in the manner expected of the colour we were accepted. If we acted “out of colour” we were punished. It was like we only existed if we were acting appropriately. Then colours were assigned names. If my mother addressed me with a specific name in the morning I would automatically dress accordingly in colour and act accordingly to the personality expected. If I was called a different name I would automatically assume that role and act accordingly. I would remain a name for days at a time generally. It was like I suddenly had a certain value based on whichever name I was and it was like a drug, I learnt my first lesson in having an identity. My identity was whoever I was expected to be. I was someone. Even if that someone was not me but who I was expected to be, I was someone. It was acceptance. The fact that I was being accepted for being someone I was not was of no issue to me. I learnt that I could be accepted in life if I just played the part the situation expected me to play. I kept this form of identity until recent years. These parts were aware of each other eventually but it did not start out like that.