Chapter 44: Secrets Told
Now let me explain to you the affect that this had on my life. When a year later my parents were once again disowning my brother (a common thing they did to us when we stepped out of line with what we were supposed to be and did something that we wanted to be) I stood up to them from a distance of course, but I stood up to them for the first time in my life. I told them that if they could not accept my brother for who he was then I did not want to hear from them, I told them I was tired of the way they put him down and that I refused to have any communication with them until they changed the way they treated him. Of course I did not refer to myself in anyway, I was standing up for my brother and standing up for someone else is always easier than standing up for yourself. But the fact that I stood up to my parents should of shown just how much I had changed. And I kept my word. I did not communicate at all with them after that. That however was also the year that my brother decided to reveal a little of our childhood. He remembered details that I did not and he confirmed both the abusive childhood and that my parents were involved in a cult. That year my brother was involved in my life more than he had ever been. We spoke daily on skype while he was out of the country working. Since he had told me about childhood, I started telling him about things I was remembering and when I discovered an online group in the October told him about the things we were discussing online. He would drop warnings that I should not discuss childhood with anyone but I ignored his warning. That year I lost a lot of weight. I did not know why I was losing weight then, but in hindsight I realise now that I had switched, that the weekend I had spent with my brother before him being disowned again where he had started telling me some childhood facts, I returned someone else. I was not the person that had left home the Friday. But half way through the year, after my directors had attempted feeding me and sending me to doctors to get me to pick up weight and it was not working, my director asked me what was wrong with me. I will never forget it. I was sitting in my car waiting for a friend I had given a lift to finish with her appointment and my directors message came through. I will never forget it because it was the moment that I made a choice to be honest with her and tell her. I do not know what made me make that choice as I had never told anyone before and she was my director, not even a collegue but my director, and the one place in life its important to keep anything that might be seen as not able to cope with, a secret from its your workplace. You do not need to give them any reason to consider you the person to retrench when retrenchments were issued, or to not consider you for that promotion in case the pressure of it was too much, etc. Its the one place you need to appear completely competent to function. And you definitely do not want to give them any ideas that you might have any mental illness. And here I sat, phone in hand, and for some reason that I cannot explain today, decided that I was going to tell my director the secret I had kept from everyone. I told her that I used to be raped on an altar as a child by the red dragon, my father, my uncle and four other men. I am not too sure how the conversation followed exactly except that it ended with me making her promise to delete the messages off her phone and to never tell a single person. That I would deny ever saying it if it ever came up. And that began a relationship of trust where she is to date the one person who knows more about me than any other. Not once has she give me any reason to doubt that she could be trusted nor has she ever made me think I was wrong to have told her.