Chapter 45: Rescued
But still that is not the most important affect of my directors giving me a sense of self worth. No, it was a year and a half later after standing up to my parents. My brother had been involved in my life daily via skype for a year that he had been working out of the country. And I told him of the online group I joined in the October which my director had actually recommended I look for a group that offered support to people who had experienced the same thing. Although I did not think there could be anyone else. But she had tried getting me to shrinks and that had not worked so well. When I discovered that all the things I was remembering was actually things that others too claimed to have experienced it made things even more real in my head. It was no longer just something I thought happened, and it was no longer something that my brother and I remembered but it was something that we remembered that we had no idea anyone else could have experienced and yet there were people all over the world with similar memories. It was no longer a random experience that somehow my brother and I believed to have happened but no one else knew anything about. My brother was relaying to me experiences he was experiencing where he was currently that were just unexplainable. Also that the president had started calling for him every month for a weekend visit where there was always woman and cocaine. Why him? We did not know. But I did express my concern that it was because of my parents connections in the cult, that he was being exposed to the cult and that the time was coming when they would make him attend a ritual and join. Now you need to know that my brother had been my hero all my life. I have no idea why because he never protected me from harm at school or any other time but for whatever reason I believed that I was safe with my brother. I knew though not to ever say no to him. But that was a normal thing in my life that I had grown up with so it was in no way a warning to me to know that I should never disagree with or deny my brother anything he asked of me. So when he started talking of taking me on a fishing holiday, just me and him, not even taking his girlfriend of many years with I was excited by the idea. Two weeks alone with my brother fishing was like a dream. But it was just an idea. Not something I knew would ever happen. He liked to talk but the fact was he was a drug addict who never had spare cash for anything and this trip would take money that I could not afford. But the trip became a reality. And when I was speaking with him on skype and he was confirming the dates and telling me to book the accomodation at a trout farm for two weeks, I mentioned to him that we were going to be away over solstice. Which is a cult high day. He responded in the strangest manner, by turning his back to the camera so I could not see his face and just sitting like that for about ten minutes. He never said a word. Just sat so I could not see his face and when he turned back continued conversation as though it had not happened and there was no mention of solstice. I did not know what to make of his reaction except that it was the strangest reaction he could of had and was not a way my brother would react. As the days led up to the trip I could not shake the feeling that I should not go. But I did not understand why as it was my brother and I would do anything to spend time with him, so the feeling of not feeling I should go which soon became a feel of not wanting to go was completely odd and worrying. But I did not mention it to him or admit to anyone that I was not wanting to go, and I pushed it aside telling myself I was being silly, this was my brother and I was safe with my brother. I did however leave the details of where we were going in a drawer at the office for my director just as a precaution. It seemed such a silly thing to be doing at the time. The day he arrived we spent that night at my house with the intentions of driving the 6 hour trip early the next morning. That night he kept joking about having sex with me whilst I slept. It was normal for him to make such jokes. But when I woke in the morning the first words that came out my mouth was to ask him what he did to me last night that my entire body is sore. It was a shock to me to hear these words as they came out in an angry tone and I was in no way joking. But his response was even stranger, he did not laugh but looked at me with this shocked look and said “Really?” with this tone that left me thinking he was shocked that I was aware of being in pain, that I was not supposed to remember or feel anything. But as soon as the thought crossed my mind I forced it away. I did not know what just happened but obviously there was some misunderstanding cause my brother would not have hurt me, this was my brother, the one I trusted. But I really had to force myself to get in the car to leave. I did not want to go. But I did. On the trip I remember being aware that I was angry with my brother but I did not know why. I also remember the one night that he was freaking out about someone in a white car outside the cabin that was watching us, and referred to it being “them”. And I recall the same day we got there he misplaced the keys apparantly. And I remember that fishing did not feel like when we normally fished together, but it felt like he was watching me the whole time, always near me and making sure I stayed near him. There was the one day that I wanted to fish this little river and he refused to let me. But that I defied his ordering me not to fish the river and fished it for about half an hour before I dared not push him anymore. I was aware that he was nervous, that there was something or rather someone that was hiding nearby that he was worried I would see. I remember being in the bath the one morning when the owner stopped by for a visit and called out to me from the lounge to ask if he could come wash my back. To which my brother answered that today he was keeping it in the family. It was a really weird joke to take place I thought between the owner who was a married christian man and my brother a guest but it was said in such a comfortable way like there was nothing inappropriate about it. I remember that Thursday I stayed in bed instead of going out fishing because my ears were hurting and I did not want to make them worse by going outside. My brother was not happy with my decision to not go fishing and he kept close to the cottage all day fishing where he could see my coming and goings. He would also return to the cottage every hour or so to check on me. By the end of the day I knew he was really angry at me. I remember him coming back and saying he was taking my car to go to the next door trout farm to have a couple of drinks. When he left, I suddenly knew without a doubt that when he returned I was either going to be raped or beaten. I was so scared but I did not understand why I would think of my brother as going to hurt me. Surely I had to be mistaken. But the fear was so intense that I could not ignore it. And this would be the most important affect that building me had on me. I chose to message my director and ask for help. Something I would never have done if I had not changed so much in the past two years. I had my phone on silent and messaged her asking for help, telling her that he was going to hurt me physically. He returned as I was messaging and for what felt like hours he repeatedly did this same thing over and over again where he would come into the room and see me on mac, slam mac shut and scream at me for being on mac while repeatedly slapping me in exactly the same spot with exactly the same strength knocking my forehead to my knees and telling me all these nasty things like how I was so skinny no one would want to fuck me so he had to and how stupid I was and so it continued. then he would leave the room and return a couple of minutes later and i would be in trouble for not being on mac. That i was supposed to be making a payment of 6000 to his account, but he would not give me the account number and threatening me with what he was going to do to me if that money was not transferred, this was screamed into my ear while the slapping of the head was repeated. Then he would go out the room and I would get on mac to try figure out how to find out his bank account number and do the transfer but he would walk back in and I would be in trouble for being on mac and so it started again. This kept repeating. And each time he seemed to have less and less control over himself. Meanwhile inbetween his being in the room I was silently messaging my director the number for the owners and letting her know i was still ok. I started to think the owner was never going to come for me. But my brother had told them that he owned an escourt agency and I was one of the whores working there. It felt like hours passed with this repeated behaviour. I was beginning to think of my chances of getting past him and out the door. I tried to get pants out of the cupboard and put them on in preparation for if I had to try get out the door. But he saw me going into the cupboard and came screaming in telling me I don’t move unless he says I move. I don’t speak unless he tells me to speak. I don”t do this and I don’t do that... the list seemed endless but it ended with him telling me that he owned me and that I obey his every command. After what seemed like hours the owners wife arrived at the door with an excuse to have me go assist her on her computer quickly. He had no reason to deny her and he knew she had asked me for help earlier in the week.
That was how my director got me out of the cottage. I spent the night at the owners house and returned home the next day. That night he was caught trying to break into the other cottages to find me and he claimed to be going to kill me when he did find me. He never did find me. The next day I refused to see him, when they tried to say he did not remember, I refused to leave the safety of their house until he was removed from the property. They arranged for him to be dropped at the bus stop and put on a bus back to the airport. I waited until he was off the property before going to get my car and leave for home. He had left the key that was supposedly lost inside the pocket of his jacket where he had kept it all week and left this belt without a buckle lying on his bed that instilled such fear in me. I now remember much more of the trip and the details of the punishment I was put through. But I remember it as if it happened to someone else and is not my memories. But having to realise that my brother had arranged the trip as a punishment session for my talking was such a reality moment where not only did I have to acknowledge my brother hurting me but I had to acknowledge that his actions validated my family’s involvement in the cult in a very real way. I ended up going for an operation two months after the trip. Apparently according to the surgeon a large amount of scar tissue had to be removed from my woman parts inside.
I have no doubt that if I had not been saved that night that I would of been killed. Not purposefully but by accident, by him losing control. I have no doubt that I proved to be harder to control than he was expecting, that he underestimated how much I had changed, that he ran out of his supply of drugs to keep me controlled and that he had gone to try pick up more that evening. And I know that if I was not the person I had become, the person with a sense of self worth that I would not have asked for help. Because even as I was aware that I was in danger, and even as I was in fear, I still had to convince myself that it was allowed for me to ask for help, that it was okay to request someone to become involved in my situation and save me, that it was okay to ask someone to take the time out of whatever they were busy with to make a call to have me rescued. And the only thing that eventually convinced me to take the risk and send the message was the fact that I had no doubt that I would not survive the night, so if I sent a message and it was not appropriate for someone like me to ask for help, it was okay because I was not going to be around to face the consequences anyway if I was denied help. If I did not get help, I was dead. If I did get help well then I would risk having to face any consequences that came my way, but at least I would walk away with my life and knowing that I was worth enough to save even if it meant losing my job for my inappropriate behaviour. But I was helped, and I was not in trouble for asking for help. In fact I still have no words to adequately describe the way it felt to have someone help me and not punish me but support me.
The point is, the power of giving someone self-worth. If I had not been built up to believe that I had worth, that I had rights, I would not have been aware even that I was being punished. I would of on a sub-conscious level, I would have been put back into submission, put back into place, but I would of not been able to be aware on a conscious level that Thursday that I was in danger. But because I was given self worth, because I no longer believed that I had no rights, because I had learnt that it was not okay for me to be hurt, because I had started to heal, because I now knew that there was a place in my life where I was valued and I was not prepared to lose it, the control they held over me before, the conditioning that held me in fear, it had all started to crumble, and the ability to keep me in a state of dissociation was underestimated. Self worth is a powerful emotion to have, which is precisely why they ensure we never have any. And precisely why giving a person the gift of self worth is so important a gift to give, you could never estimate the affect it causes on someones life. In my case, it has given me freedom to know the truth and to choose to have no part in it. I have disowned my family in its entirety. Every family member, every friend of the the family, everyone. I have kept contact with no-one. I have changed my name legally. I live with precautions to keep me as safe as I can be. And I fight to heal completely from DID so that I can know there is no hidden contact with anyone or anything to do with the cult.