Chapter 46: Healing
But like I mentioned previously, healing from DID is a fight for survival in itself. The more you heal, the harder the fight. It is the most humiliating healing experience I can imagine there to be, cause where in normal healing you start at the worst and progress to healing, in DID you start at a level of awareness so slight and you begin your fight with the false sense of healing meaning things get better with time. And it does not work like that with DID. You start at nothing and end at everything. The more you heal, the more you become aware of the traumas you kept yourself unaware of. And the further you go in healing the deeper the wounds you uncover. And it gets so tiring to keep having hope, it gets so tiring to keep fighting for healing, you find yourself asking if its really worth living for. Somewhere between the beginning of healing and the depth you find yourself in, you lose any sense of purpose in healing to live, you start to doubt that any life you might find with healing can be worth living remembering the life you had.
And so I sat here contemplating what could possibly be the motivation for healing? What could be the life line that one clings to in the dark moments of awareness that might have the power to pull one through to the other side, knowing that one dark moment conquered is only to be followed by another darker moment? In the beginning when you first become aware of the knowledge that various “parts” are created by the cult as a standard practice that are well hidden from consciousness by a greater level of trauma. Parts that are created to ensure you don’t find freedom and that you are always physically obtainable should the need arise. These parts are called reporters and cult-loyals. You are driven by the fear of being active in the cult while completely unaware of your activities. You are driven by the fear that you could be attending rituals and that you could be involved in hurting other people without having any idea in your conscious reality of these things happening. And that you have no control on your hidden actions as you have no control over your whole mind as your mind is dissociated, split, separated. This fear is what will drive you in the beginning to heal so that your mind is whole, so that you do not have “parts”. Because only when one has no parts is one able to know they are not secretly attending any rituals that they are called to attend. Its the only way of knowing you are safe, that others are safe from you, is when you are conscious of all your activities all the time. Then you are hit with the reality that healing is a process that takes years, many years to achieve. That the torture you have been put through to create this controllable state of “parts” was instilled over years, not just two or three years but for the very least the first ten years of your life would have been used for intense repetitive trauma, constantly. You do not undo a system that is built on ten years of purposed trauma in a couple of months. The trauma that is inflicted takes a lot less time to inflict than it does to heal from. Bearing in mind that you did not choose this trauma, neither did you deserve it or earn it. You did nothing. You have no understanding or explanation of why it was done to you. You do not know what it was that you failed to do that you should of known to do at birth that would of prevented this from happening to you. But you are made to believe that you somehow are responsible for it, that you deserve it. Cause everything is always your fault. So there is a lot of undoing that is necessary in order to heal from the trauma. Not just undoing but also having to learn what is the truth that you never experienced. Learning the fundamental emotional needs that you now have to learn to relate to life in the normal instance. It’s not quick nor is it easy. And the realisation that you are going to be stuck for years with this reality, you start to find another reason to motivate you. For me, it was to save the children. But I soon realised that I am powerless to save the children until I am healed. And then that even then this machine is so well oiled that the chances of saving the children is pretty much an impossible dream. And then you start to cling to the possibility that in 2016 things are going to be coming to a head according to what you know, so hopefully that means “the rapture” should occur in the biblical account of end days and that means the children have to be saved right? But then you realise that perhaps your belief in 2016 is false and perhaps the world is still going to be around for a long time. Then you realise that the only way to save the children is to get the christians doing warfare to the intensity of breaking down the entire demonic strongholds that the cult have worked to build, that to save the children you have to stop the cult by cutting them loose at the spiritual level, by removing all the demonic powers at play. Then you will be able to deal with the human level of the cult. But its a spiritual battle. And you have to convince the Christians to fight it to save the children. So you try write a book to create awareness and hope that it will create the necessary awareness and motivate the Christians to act on it. In a world where the churches are divided by denominations and refuse to unite, what are the chances? But as the hope is there you have to fill it, even if just to know that you tried it. So ultimately you need to realise that chances are nothing you are going to be able to do is going to save any children.
Then you reach a point in healing where you become aware of the desperate need you have to experience being loved. And you try to convince yourself that when you are healed you stand a chance at being able to allow someone to love you and a chance at experiencing it. But really, that does not prove to be very realistic no matter how desperately you try.
The fact is, the conditioning that kept you unaware of your parts starts to break down generally around the ages of 30 to 40 years. This is generally due to the change in your environment and lifestyle that normally takes place around this age. And the change is translated in your brain as safety. It no longer associates your environment as being traumatic, unless of course the trauma is being experienced still as a reality. So the conditioning that kept the fear alive for many years where there was no physical trauma but the fear of it recurring, that conditioning starts to break down and as it does so the brain decides to that you are now capable of dealing with the trauma and so the memories start to arise. The memories lead you to discover that you have parts. Based on the realisation that you lose time and that the voices in your head are not actually normal and that you become aware that there are times when you don’t seem to act in the manner you yourself would generally act, that you seem at times to do things completely out of character. Now by merely being told what the signs are makes you aware of having experienced any of the signs. Its like suddenly you realise that you always really knew you tended to lose time but for some reason you just paid it no attention and did not think anything of it. But now that you know its not a normal occurance you will find yourself more and more aware of it on a conscious level. And so the journey begins.
And the fact remains, at 40 years old, add on ten or fifteen years minimum for healing and that leaves you at 50 or 55 when you might be able to start trying to live life. How many people at that age are going to meet someone who loves them? Realistically what are your chances? And this is trying to convince yourself during healing that you will experience something at an old age that you have never managed to achieve in your life so far. You are not healed yet and your issues are still there. So realistically, you cannot convince yourself that you will find that one thing you have needed. So in reality what is the life you are likely to experience? Well, I would assume a life of being on my own, carrying the full extent of memories of my past. Does not help me much does it? So I will get to live out my life knowing that I deserved love but will just never have the chance to know it because my parents experienced the same thing in their childhood, only they chose to give birth to you so that they can let you experience the same thing too because they chose the cult or perhaps at the time they gave birth to you they had not yet become aware of their “parts” and therefore were not aware of the trauma they were inflicting on you. I am told that this is a truth, that it is possible your parents were not aware. But somehow I do not believe it. Perhaps I am the odd one out but even before I became aware of the truth of my past or my parts or the details of my past, I had an inner knowing that something was not right. And so did my brother. And we knew that bringing a child into the world carried some risk of that child being hurt. Even though consciously we were not aware of what the risk was or how the child would be hurt, but it was a feeling that both of us felt strong enough that stopped us from ever having children. However I should note that I have a conscious memory from the trip of my brother undoing his belt to remove his pants standing at the side of my bed and calling me by the name Amy, and telling me (Amy) that its been a long time but that he was about to fix that. I was not consciously aware of having a part called Amy before that. And it turns out that my brothers constant joke of “keeping it in the family” seemed to have some truth to it. That Amy was a part of mine that had been married to my brother and who was supposed to have his child. There was a reason why it had to be my brothers child and not my fathers who could also have fathered a child with me to keep the bloodline pure. But there was something about my brother and I both having our own spiritual gift and the need for us to have a child that had both of our gifts. But I am honestly not aware of ever having given birth, even on the sub-conscious level. And I hope this to be truth, that I have never fallen pregnant by him. I believe there is an inner awareness in all of us. I also believe that there is a time no matter how brief that we are given an option to choose. A time when we are aware that what we are been made to partake in is wrong. And that we choose in our heart at that point whether or not to be a part of it. And that after that point even if we are still in a situation where we are forced to do things, if we have chosen in our heart to be against it that we stay “innocent” of the actions. But if in the heart condition we chose to go with it, you will notice a dramatic change in the person after that. Because then he/she will allow the demonic in where they now have authority to take take the perversions and grow them. They will be in a sense, be given over to the depravities of their minds. And I believe that these people soon loose their unawareness of what they are doing, that they quickly become fully aware and fully responsible for their actions. But that is my belief. And yes, while I choose to forgive for my own personal sake, I will not forget and I will never again attempt to restore contact with my family. I could never trust them anyway even if they claimed healing or leaving the cult. I will never be able to trust anything they say or show. That is unfortunately a reality for all from cult backgrounds. You can never know if you are being deceived. So when you chose to leave the cult, you have to cut all ties to everyone you knew. All ties. Forever. Not just for a year. Forever.