Chapter 48: Unexperienced
Some emotional needs there is no substitute for. How do you live with the pain of knowing that you desperately need to feel something but that you know you can never experience it? And once you pass through the mourning and accepting of each emotion, and you look at the heap of acceptances that you had to face and now have become part of this new identity you form with the awareness of your past, how do you look at that heap and convince yourself that you are grateful for surviving childhood? How are you going to look at the heap of everything you ever needed and everything you will never know and be able to say, Thank You for my life, instead of screaming your self-pity WHY ME? And thats exactly it, the thing we hate is to be shown pity, because the truth of it is, we don’t want your pity, our self-pity is heavy enough to carry. And how will we explain to those people who think we should just get over it, that tell you to be grateful for life, how will we explain that the true experience of life is contained in all the experiences of experiencing everything that is contained in our pile of things we never experienced. How do you be grateful for a life that you experience not by the presence of the very things that form life but by the absence of them? And then still have to accept the reality of the fact that you are ungrateful, because the truth is we are. Ungrateful because we experienced the reality of someone believing we had worth and it was so very powerful to experience, that we could not forget the feeling it contained. That same feeling that we hold such value to have experienced is the same feeling that denies us the means to be grateful for a life spent experiencing the pain of not receiving what we so needed AND having the awareness that it was not necessary, because if one person could find value in us then why couldn’t the very people who formed us and birthed us into this world? Why was it that a stranger could find meaning in us if there was no meaning to be found? Therefore we are fully aware that WE HAD VALUE and that WE DESERVED TO EXPERIENCE THE THINGS WE NEEDED TO EXPERIENCE IN LIFE! But instead we lived a life experiencing life in depths of pain because we were born to parents who were more interested in their fulfilling vile lusts and disgusting perversions in the name of a god that does not even win the war, a known fact, yet they still feel it is worth depriving us of every emotional need we needed just so that the loser god can lose with smaller percent? So the fact I need to in fact accept is that its not me that is the failure, but my parents that are the failures. How intelligent does one have to be to back a sure loser with eternity? I would assume double digit, but then I do not know my parents iq.
To try and actually wrap up the point we were discussing a couple of pages back...
After experiencing the pain felt with the emotion of only having a value for as long as we are satisfying someones wants, which was somewhat of a shock to have to experience and not something we were expecting, we implemented the refusal to allow ourselves to feel for someone on an emotional level. Yes, its true, we are not consciously aware of the level the brain is measuring a situation as, its not expected when the brain suddenly decides to try reprocess a trauma and you suddenly discover that the request for reprocessing was accepted after all these years of been denied and you just were not quite prepared for it. However, in hindsight we learn fast. We learnt that the pain we felt we are not willing to ever risk having to feel again. And as we can no longer dissociate the pain our only option is to protect ourselves against it. And the only way to do that is to not allow anyone the power to hurt us by not allowing ourselves to care for anyone on any level. Because it is only when we hold someone as a value in our lives do they have any affect on our lives. So but not allowing us to care for someone, keeps us safe from ever having to feel the pain again. Cause we simply will not care if someone cares for us neither will we care if someone does not care for us. Its safe.
But in the reality of someone living with DID its not so easy to implement something across the board. And so whilst on one level of consciousness we live with the safety of knowing we will never give someone that power over us again, we cannot know that the same applies on all levels. And like I came to realise today, that while I spend my efforts ensuring I do not allow any emotional attachments to form, not even to form with my directors whom play such an important role in our healing, I come to realise that whilst I come across in one manner, there are others that are displaying us in a completely different manner. There are parts that display the need to protect my directors and display an overall concern for their well-being, which is blatantly expressing an emotional attachment to them, the very attachment we work so hard at not forming as a means to protect ourselves should we lose their support one day.