Chapter 50: Guilt and Fear
So back to discussing the perception of the state of consciousness. It is logic that tells me that if I want to be free of parts “coming forward”, then I need to understand or attempt to understand how this happens. Firstly it is something that needs to be admitted and accepted that while parts are separate from your consciousness, they are very much just a part of you, therefore they are you. Whilst we might not have awareness of them, they exist. And they are me. We are all small pieces of what makes the whole.
I realise this might be be contradictory. Well, it is contradictory to me. You see, while I am aware that each of my parts is in fact a part of me, they are in fact me, in the same instance I battle to accept it. For as much as logic tells me they are me, they are very much in every sense a completely different person to me. But then, if you think about it, seeing them as a completely different person is exactly how we created them to be. Someone else. Not us. Someone else that bad things were happening to. Someone else that was forced to do bad things. Not me. So there is this conflict that contradicts. Part of me wants to scream out in defiance that I am not any of my parts. But logic always trumps doesn’t it. Its been years and I still battle to accept that I am my parts and my parts are me. I am in essence just a part myself. Does that make sense to you?
When we think of our parts, if we think of one in particular for example, we see that part as someone completely different to us, that does even look like us not in our head. Some parts are not even the same gender as I am. And parts are all different ages. I know my age. But some parts are “stuck” in a certain age. In the age they were created for. Not all parts grew up. Not all parts were in existence in childhood. Some were formed in adulthood, they have no conscious memory of childhood. Does any of this make sense to you?
The truth is, even though in our head we see parts as looking differently to us, the truth is they are me, and if they look in the mirror they would see they look just like me. They would see they are not seven years old anymore. Or they would see they are not a boy. But this very seldom happens. Its like they just don’t register the mirror. The reflection they see is not the true reflection but the reflection of the image they were given to see when they were created or the image that was formed over the years. I can’t explain that in logic. But its like looking in a mirror and seeing the reflection of someone else and not yourself. Seeing the reflection of the person you think yourself to be instead of the real you. Does any of this make sense? I do not know how to explain this.
I guess in the brain, it would be hallucinating. I guess. It is like the brain has been so well conditioned to believing that it is another person that it actually perceives what it sees in the mirror to be the image that it see’s itself to be in the mind. It lies to itself. Basically. After all, that is at the essence what multiple personalities are. They are reflections of lies we created in order to survive things we could not deal with. We lied to ourself, told ourself that these things were not happening to ourself but to someone else that we made up an existence for in our head. But its a lie. The truth is, all these things DID happen to us. The truth is, we could not deal with what was happening to us. We lied to ourself in order to survive.
When you have lived this lie, that is so well cemented in its creation as it had to be, how do you undo that lie. It’s not as easy as just acknowledging that the parts are me. Thats the simple part. But when you have to face what that part of you has been through, what that part of you has been forced to do, then its not so easy to acknowledge that that part is you. Not when the things done are so against the person you know yourself to be, and so vile and disgusting and perverted, and just so wrong. How do you accept that you did things that you cannot deal with knowing you did. The fact that it was forced on you does not make it a whole lot easier. I mean, the fact that you can acknowledge it was not your fault that things happened, does not make it any easier to accept that they did happen. I do not know why that is. Perhaps it has to do with the intense amount of effort put into placing the guilt for things happening on us. “They” really put a lot of effort into making the child believe its their fault. That if the child had been different, or if the child had done something differently that these things would not of had to happen but they did happen as a direct result of the child’s actions or inactions. How do you break free from the guilt? I do not know. But I do know that acknowledging that the guilt they place on us is actually not ours to bear but theirs is a place to start. That everything was forced. And not a result of us. It was not what we wanted to happen. Even acknowledging that we were just a child. It does not help. Because the fact is we believe that we would rather die before allowing any of the things that happened especially the things we were made to do to others. But then, how true is our belief? If we would rather die than be forced to do things, why didn’t we? Its not that we did not know death. We knew how to kill so why couldn’t we kill ourselves? Why couldn’t we have been one of the ones who didn’t make it? How come our minds did not just decide that its enough and our spirit choose to leave? How come we did not know how to disconnect from our physicalness and be no more? How come? Do you know?
The truth is, I think I do know. The me who is me at this moment, that me knows. But what I don’t know is how do I get the other parts of me to know it too? That is what I just don’t seem to have gotten right. Perhaps by putting it on paper I will be more successful in the future. Its like I need a sticky note in my head that everyone see’s all the time no matter who it is that I might be at that moment, that it would be something every part of me would be conscious of. Yet they are not. I do not know how to make them.
Perhaps it merely needs to be voiced. Perhaps that way it will trickle down in the consciousness of all the parts. I do think that if that could happen it would be like removing a blockage to healing from out the way. Like a fast track to finding healing. If I can just know it, more than just head knowledge but grasp it emotionally too. Then maybe it will help us move forward in healing. So let me tell you what I have not voiced.
You see, I have never been allowed to self-harm. I have not been allowed to be scarred externally either. Nor break any bones. Punishment for me was not being beaten to the brink of death and then have the doctor ensure I survived. That was not how I was punished. It was not how they programmed me. Even suicide programming, I could never to this day try to commit suicide by cutting for example. By overdosing sure. Not by cutting. See it has been instilled in me so deeply the fear of self-harming and being caught. I am not allowed to self-harm in that sense of the word. And the fear is still very real. But let me explain where the fear comes from. Let me explain both to you and hopefully to other parts in me where the fear comes from. It is not that I fear being caught and being punished violently. There is something far worse than being hurt. It’s when an other is hurt in place of you. When an other child must take punishment for you doing something you shouldn’t. It is the fear that never allowed me to kill myself as a child and the fear that made me hold on and not let go of physicality. Guilt. Fear. Guilt. Fear. The fear of being guilty for someone else being harmed because you disobeyed.
My brother said once that when I was just an infant, I would have epileptic fits. My mother would then hold me underwater in a cold bath to make the fits stop. And she would scream that if I died she would kill my brother and herself. See, the truth is, that was just enforcing my programming. If I died, it would be my fault that others would then die too. But if I lived then they would not be killed.
If I disobeyed the rules as a child, it was someone else who got hurt.
This is an important realisation that I have to accept on all levels to progress my healing. Accepting it means that I have to deal with things that did happen as a result of my disobedience or my stupidity. Important lessons came at a high price.