Spiritual Diary of a Gay Manic Depressive

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Join Tom on a journey through the gay world of tinder, facebook and grindr. An explicit novel into gay culture and the new age with Warlocks and soul stealers. Not for the faint hearted.

Tom Peter Gallagher
Age Rating:

Chapter One: January

3rd January 2015

The guy in the bar last night was young, twenty-five, good looking but fat.He chatted to me, he had an amazing personality and great sense of humour, gave me a cig, and offered me a glass of wine.He wasn’t happy when I tooka second one.He went halves on the wine with his friend for four-pounds-fifty-pence and then he tried to coerce me into buying a bottle of wine for all three of us at ninepounds.What the fuck?He did give me a second cig, but it was all just to use me.They both disappeared to go to the toilet, even though one is straight—why go together?

Enter Leon.Leon and I had met in the sauna at the Jacuzzi and I kind of fancied him ’cos he was so slim.We had a good but brief twenty-five-minute chat in the sauna.When I bumped into him again in the Viaduct two months later I said hello, but he’d totally forgotten about me.He went about his business without showing me much interest, and then he clocked me alone in the Viaduct.A guy by himself had an epileptic fit.Although people saw him, no one really did anything.I’ll admit I was a little stunned, I didn’t do anything either.I didn’t know what to do.The barman eventually gave him a glass of water.

Leon walked up to me and asked me if my name was Buddy.Where the fuck did that come from?What sort of chat up line is that?I told him no and walked off to have a drink with the cute, young fat guy.When he and his friend went to the toilet together, I decided I may as well buy myself a beer and not allow myself to be used.They ignored me since refusing to buy them the bottle of wine.Apparently, they could only afford a two-pound beer each.

Leon came up to me again and tried to make more conversation, but he had no charm or humour.I think he asked me my name.He immediately told me that he wanted a boyfriend and asked me if I had seen that guy having an epileptic fit.I told him I had and he told me he’d laughed.Fuck me, that’s attractive!You admit you’re a cunt, so where do I sign up to be your boyfriend?Within five minutes, he’d asked me back to his place.So you’re desperate for a boyfriend, but a good old fashioned fuck comes first?No thanks.

What’s the alternative to online gay dating?On Chinder, I’ve got fourhundred matches and only one short conversation, once a week with an ugly young guy.It’s always the same boring shit.

“Hi, how are you?”


“Fine, thanks.Up to much?”

“No. You at work?”

Fucking Hell! It’s the same old predictable shit.Obviously, there’s silence once I say I don’t have a job.Then I get a guy, thirty-three, who looks okay.He asks me out on a date but then gives me the curse of death, he adds me on HeadHub.Everyone hates me on HeadHub.I try to strike up a conversation by telling him I’m watching a film.Apparently, he has time to talk on Chinder, but not on HeadHub.End of conversation.He disappears into oblivion and that’s the last I ever hear from him.

I find a beautiful muscle god, forty-five, on Bendor.Sha-mazing body, hot face, he looks so incredible for his age that it seems too good to be true.Then I see the same guy on Scruff, only now his age is forty-seven.Are there any guys over forty who don’t lie about their age and are smart enough not to put different ages on different profiles?As usual, I assume that his pics are old and out of date, too.

Even the cam wankers are getting it.This lazy muscled god, twenty-six and totally gorgeous, even he admits it.He’s looking to meet up, but first, we have to cam and I have to tell him what I do.It’s a typical old scam to lure in older guys, you have to join the site with a credit card for free as he tells you, then they raid your credit card and take you to the cleaners.As usual, of all the guys I contact on Bendor, the ones I want to chat with and the ones I fancydon’t reply.There’s nothing wrong with my picture.It goes down well on HeadHub.I have to assume that it comes down to my age, thirty-five.No one really reads profiles,and why should they?Ninety-nine percent of what’s on them is a lie.I will talk to anyone, but everyone ignores me because of my age.And it’s always the same on Bendor chat, you have a lengthy chat with someone, and then they go off and never think to talk to you ever again.On the rare occasion that they do talk to you again, there will invariably be a gap of two months between conversations.The pic collectors come back though and request more pics, they get more pics and go silent for another two months, then they come back asking for more pics.

8th January 2015

Society got fucked and got lazy.Everyone wants to stay indoors and have a wank while idly browsingtheirHeadHub feed.There was a newspaper article claiming that youth crime and teenage pregnancy have both gone down.The article tried to say it’s the positive influence of the Muslim way of life and the influence of social media.Bullshit.It’s all social media.People don’t phone anyone anymore, they’re afraid to talk on the phone.The poor can only afford pay as you go plans with limited minutes, so they don’t use their phones to talk.They do get unlimited texts, though, so everyone texts and InstaTexts.Only the people over forty dare to use their phones as phones.They’ve experienced enough phone calls to feel comfortable chatting on the phone.The over forty set remembers the good old days when there were only landlines and everyone spoke on the phone or went around to people’s houses without arranging it first.A few decades ago people used to meet at the pub at the drop of a hat, just to get out and be actually social.I’m a product of my generation—I’m just as guilty.I use InstaText all the time ’cos it’s the only form of communication now, that and HeadHub chat.

Chinder guy comes back, asking me what I want to do workwise.Yet another dick, I explain all of this on my profile.Why is ninety-five percent of society too lazy to read?

Bendor is really the shittiest of all the shitty gay hook up apps.I text the hot muscle cam-scam guy, he should reply thinking I’m a punter.He’s online, but he doesn’t reply.Does he not want to talk to me?Was my message missing?Did it get lost?I’ll never know ’cos of the crap interface!People claim that messages go missing or get delayed all the time.Bendor shows people being online when they aren’t.With all its bugs, it doesn’t really work as a quick hook up/ fuck app.In the days of Playdarchat, it was so much easier.All the gay men online were in one place online ’cos ninety percent of them were looking for a quick fuck.Society was cool until 2009.When I was thirty, for a year the world worked for me, threePlaydar hook-ups a week, simple.There were lots of hot guys who wanted a quick fuck and weren’t afraid to travel to get one.Now when you log onto Bendor, everyone always expects you to travel unless you’re like a ten-minute walk from them.The only way to get sex at thirty-five is to have no standards whatsoever.Sampson, thirty-nine, who is average looking but goes to the gym, will sleep with fifty-year-olds.Sampson thinks Bendor is great for sex.Yeah, it’s great—if you don’t mind having sex with the uglies and the fatties, it’s your oyster.

Society works for Trevor, who’s forty, gay, and single.Why?’Cos he has a house for the young guys to do drugs in and ’cos he flashes his cash to buy people at bars.Yeah, society works for you…if you have money.Take Fred, for example.Fred’s forty-something, average looking with an average body, but he’s always hanging around young good-looking guys.He buys them beers all night in return for an NSA BJ.

Martin, thirty-three, is another prick on InstaText.I tell him that I wanna chat and his first question isHow is job hunting?

Fuck sake, everyone knows I’m on sickness benefit, but society is obsessed with jobs, everyone thinks that ’cos they have a job, everyone else must as well.Martin adds me on InstaText from Bendor under the pretence that he wants to be my friend.We’re both bottomso we can’t meet up for sex.But Martin pushes me to go the sauna all the time so that I can have sex with rancid old men.All I can get is the sauna since I’m not gym fit, but suppose I tell him a friend is around for dinner, I get the reply,

Sex friend?

What the fuck?You want me to invite you around for a threesome with my friend?Even if I tell him my friend is a girl, he still assumes we are having sex.Nobber!I try asking him how he finds society.He responds withWTF?

Gregg, nineteen, was another nob.Good looking with a nice body, he asks me on a date Friday, but he’s happy to go silent for days on Bendor.He says he had seventy-five messages to go through, so he didn’t have time and then forgot.I message him again to say that I’m going to be out with a friend on Friday and ask him if he wants to come, too.He gets upset, and I have to spend the next three hours winning him around.Since its Bendor as usual, where everyone is rude, he’s happy to go offline mid-conversation.I get pissed off and tell him that he can text me if he wants to meet up, buthe texts me on Friday, when it’s too late to arrange anything.We exchange texts, setting up a date for Saturday.I am conflicted about what we should do.We could bowl with a group, accept my lesbian friend’s invitation to the pub, or go to the local pub.Greggis out for lunch with a friend, but he happily ignores her to text me till I tell him to stop being rude and talk to her.

He says he will chat with me after lunch, but he never does.I text him after lunch with the options for our date and tell him that a friend has invited me to the Viaduct.He fires back with,

Friend?OK, enjoy your date!

Paranoid already, I text back saying he misunderstood that my friend is a lesbian and that we should chat on the phone later.His response was the kiss of death.


I wasn’t sure exactly what Gregg meant, so I went on a mad rampage asking everyone for their opinions.Ninety-five percent didn’t know.Martin was a twat again, completely not understanding.The five percent that did answer told me OKmeans I don’t want to talk to you.I never did phone him and he never got back in touch.Thanks, Gregg!

It’s now socially acceptable for ninety-five percent of society to ignore messages or reply a full day later.When they’re too busy to reply, they’ll give you the kiss of death, one-word answers with a full stop at the end.It’s the polite way of saying,I replied, but piss off.I don’t want to speak.

All these new forms of social media have created a society where ninety-five percent of people are happy to chat for a day ’cos they’re bored and have time, but come the next day, they don’t wanna know you.All the men that add you to InstaText off Bendorchat with you for one dayand then they’re gone forever.And apparently, it’s acceptable now to get on social media without a pic and chat with good looking people.HeadHub is a minefield of foreigners looking to chat with you for marriage, money and a British passport.They’ve got no pic ’cos they ain’t out but the truth of the matter is they’re ugly.Why not have attractive body pics if you ain’t?And if no one knows you’re gay and you don’t know gay people, then why would having your pic on a gay app out you?You’re in the closet on HeadHub, so you put up a hot celebrity for attention?Nice one.

There were these two major pricks running a gay group—a couple, about twenty-five, both hot.One day, they decided to put up their real pics and realisedthey were actually two rancid looking forty-five-year-olds.I asked them what happened to the hot pics and got called shallow.No, cunt.You’re just an ugly liar.

To phone people on a mobile at thirty-five is a chore.Ninety-five percent of those you call won’t answer the firsttime.You have to pre-book the call via text, making the whole thing so much more difficult than it needs to be.It’s your mobile!Ninety-five percent of you always have it by your side, but it’s apparently too much to expect people to answer it when it rings.A lot of the time no one will even think to phone you back.Take Sampson for example.Sampson will never answer his phone.If he gets a missed call, he’ll send a text.Text him and he rarely replies, but you see him log onto Bendor to look for cock, so you know he’s seen the message.The only way to get through to him is in his one hour HeadHub window, even then, he’s happy to leave mid conversation.

The vast majority of POF—Plenty of Fish—users are happy to chat for a day, but then the conversation ends and the game is over, and that’s the last you hear of them.Ask a gay who uses POF and they’ll tell you how true this is.

I encountered yet another nob-head on POF.When I asked him how he found society being gay and single at thirty-four, itseems it’s too much to expect a simple answer.Instead, he had to answer with a question, Why do you ask?

I told him I was doing research on the subject and he pulled me up, saying wasI not looking for a relationship?I lied, claiming that I actually was looking for a relationship, and then he replied with, Ah, ok. x.

It was a three-sentence exchange and I learned nothing from it except that I have no interest in this guy and that I’ve just wasted five minutes.He messaged again saying, Nice profile!

How original. Then he moved in, asking me what I’m looking for.If you had actually read my profile, you’d know the answer to that question, genius.

I’m chatting with Jim on POF, too.Jim is one of the fivepercents who agrees that POF is a step up from Bendor.Like me, he thinks the profiles of POF are much better, people put time and effort into writing them and they mostly seem to be true.Who knows, but the gay care workers tend to be really nice guys for a while.Jim confirms that Bendor created the pic collector and that people on Bendor are interested in talking for a day, but then disappears from your life forever, as people tend to do on all the exclusively gay apps.I’ve found that when good-looking guys want to chat, they just wanna pass the time or collect your pic.They ain’t really interested in meeting up with you.Old men are genuinely willing to meet up for sex, but that ain’t my bag.Ugly guys do actually chat and they have good personalities, but I’m too much of a shallow cunt to meet up with them.Jim is a great, genuine, nice guy who’s really looking for love.He would be totally dateable, but he’s fat and ugly.

I received an answer to my ToothShrubadvert—ToothShrub is the home of the desperate.The guy’s a twenty-eight-year-old nob from Bradford.I used to chat to him.I ask him about the gay scene, and he tells me it’s full of fights.Still, he goes, and he gets dates from it.Not random sex, thoughhe isn’t looking for that.Funny, ’cos we chatted a year ago and he sent me a pic of his nob.

10th January 2015

The landlords I’ve had have been fifty-fifty.Alan is good when you see him in person and eventually he’ll do what you ask, but he’s pretty poor on communication.We agreed he would come around on Tuesday, so I stayed in all day.He never showed.He camearound Wednesday and I wasn’t in.I’m the only one out of my four flatmates that answers the door, so he couldn’t get in.Thursday, he said he’d come in the morning.I waited in all day and again nothing.I guess it’s now acceptable to not keep your appointments or not to apologise for missing them.

I posted a pic on the gay relationship group asking what guys thought about older for younger.As usual, the old men say that age is only a number.One older guy claims that older guys are more genuine.True, but my opinion of him lowered when he said that he was looking for younger men.Age is not just a number.It can define who you are.Women mature faster than men, so a young girl in her twenties can be intelligent and mature.Guys around that age normally aren’t, that’s why young women tend to go for older men.Old guys tend to be thick, too, and most men over forty have given up on relationships after feeling too much heartbreak.Now they harass the twinks for sex.This can really damage the twinks’ egos, as they then think their worth comes entirely from sex.Gay men should settle down into a relationship or be shot.There is that fivepercent, though, and those genuinely nice guys have settled down, gotten married, and had kids, then through no fault of their own, lost their partner.These are the good guys, the strong relationship guys, but there are so few of them in the gay community.

Online Shoppinghas been dicking me around, too.I tried to set up an Online Shopping central account, but half of it was in Dutch.Damn thing took three hours to setup, and then they automatically set me up with a pro account.It said they would charge me in two days.More dicking around as they required my credit card which had to have a balance.It took three days and three more phone calls to stupid Indians and an entirely unhelpful session with German live chat to get the whole thing sorted out.

Eventually, I just called them out for being crappy.Only then did an Irish woman phone me back and explain that eighty-six-euros had been taken from my credit card without my permission and could not be refunded onto the credit card.I had to setup a bank card on the account in order to get my money back.

I’ve contacted Online Shopping three times today only to be put on hold for twenty-five minutes with no answers.When I phoned my bank, I found out that Online Shopping had taken another pound unauthorised, and that the bank couldn’t block the transaction coming out or tell me how long the transaction would take, even though the first customer service assistant said they could do both.

Now I find out the money can be taken off my credit card at any time for each merchant and debited into my account for up to ten days.When did customer service become so crappy?Fortunately, my complaining to managers usually goes well since I’m a miserable manic depressive, and I often get lots of cash back.I’ll complain in a few days.

When did we abolish talking?I felt too lazy to walk to the Chinese, so I thought I would phone an order through.There was no phone number listed for the local Chinese, so I had to order online without speaking to anyone.There will come a point in the future when no one has to speak at all.

A nice guy on POF, a fellow writer, was pretty cool.He’s a psychopath victim, brutally damaged, but he said he wants to travel from Chester to meet up and hang out.He said he wanted to become friends and more, and he was happy to chat on the phone so that we could get to know each other first.Fuck yeah, one of the five percent!Then again, he could be another sociopath in disguise playing the victim card, but he’s twenty-nine so I have a feeling he is safe.

I received a lovely phone call from my best friend.My nickname is Poodle and I am a notorious gay-boy.He said I should team up with pedigree chum to product Poodle Pedigree Bum Chum dog food.We went on to have a nice chat about writing and his busy schedule, but he said he would be one of my proofreaders.Darryl is five-foot-ten-inches tall and straight.He played Prince Charming in one of his plays and I really believe he was typecast.He’s the most loyal friend I’ve ever had.He looks after me and never abuses me or uses me for anything.That’s not something I can say about most people.Bonus, he keeps it real and phones me.

15th January 2015

Thursday night means Cucumber and Banana, the best things on TV.These programs give a look into society and gay culture.It’s sad, getting old.As a kid watching Queer as Folk I used to identify with the young gay teenage characters.I wish I could do the same with Cucumber, but at thirty-five I find myself identifying more with the forty-somethings, especially the character Henry, even though I am not that keen on him.He is forty-three or so, lusting after a hot young twink, never gonna happenand he’s still a virgin, a side-y who doesn’t fuck or get fucked.That is something I could never understand.Each to his own,but it destroys his relationships.

Chatting withhotWill on Bendor, he is finally talking again.Society is in a sad state, full of social media addicts.I am both culprit and victim.Lots of people can’t even sit down to watch TV anymore without gay apps and social media.If you’re watching X-Factor, you have to get on HeadHub and tell all your friends that you’re watching X-Factor.People watch every episode with only one eye on the TV as they make posts about it on social media.I am the worst, always InstaTexting, HeadHubing and Pounding while I watch TV.Society is attached to its mobile phones.Even at the pub people can’t stay off their phones.The older generation doesn’t tend to be as guilty of social media addiction.Trevor, forty, doesn’t use his phone nearly as much as most do.I sent him a few InstaText messages tonight, and he was good.He had a friend around for dinner, so he told me he couldn’t chat.Nice one, Trevor!

Some fat ugly twenty-seven-year-old sent me a like on POF, and I thought it was worth a chat to see if I could learn from him.As it turns out, he doesn’t go out on the scene, never had a boyfriend, and rarely gets dates or shags.You’re twenty-seven, fat, ugly, and you work in a cinema,what do you expect?He’s so deluded.You can’t change your face, but you can change your body.There’s no reason not to go to the gym so you can look good and find someone who goes for your body.At thirty-five, I’m unfortunately too lazy and unmotivated to get buff again, but at twenty-seven, you’re too young to give up on your appearance.I kept up with mine for most of my twenties.

21st January 2015

The psyche demon attack

On the journey, I didn’t believe it was real.I heard voices saying

HeadHub.Kill yourself.Kill your friends!

Alone in the dark of night, I felt myself falling.I saw awhite light and a mythical Thor-like character with his hammer shooting up in the sky with blue shielding.I ordered a hoodie with my name on it, I thought that would help.After a while the voices quieted, but then they got worse.Sometimes the delusions spill into the real world.My nephew said he could hear children here over the phone.When I questioned him about it on Skype, he just laughed.When I feel as though I’m thought-broadcasting, people say things to me in the real world.Cars beep.Lots of people write beep-beep on the internet, people talk about my delusions on HeadHub, deleting the status after I have read it.Some of it is paranoia, though people seem to forget.When the worst is over, they carry on as normal.I need to quit smoking one day, and I need to tackle the fact that I drink too much.The Thor character felt powerful and protective and today, strangely enough, I got a lot of support on HeadHub.I saw signs telling me never to give up, that when going through hell I needed to keep going and strengthen my existing relationships.I’m still obsessing about my ex, Sam, wondering if he chose me as a victim in order to save himself.In the past, light-workers have told me that people hurt me because they want me to save them.Sam said he became a Christian through radical conversion but I’ll never know how he came to be gay or sociopathic.I texted Sam to ask him why he dated me, he said he dated me because I was nice and funny.I guess he didn’t want me to save him.

25th January 2015

I have to make plans for stuff I’d like to do when I’m better.I need to find some hobbies, choose a spiritual path, do some fundraising, spend less time on HeadHub and social media, spend more time in the real world, and spend less time boyfriend hunting.I had a realisation that young guys are just too immature.I need someone older, an equal to converse with.I don’t believe in hell, except for personal hell, and all my beliefs are pointing towards reincarnation, so there is nothing left to fear.The hell delusion was so bad that it woke me up this morning, but after that it was bearable.It would be nice to know if Sam, Palmer and Stewart really did start that delusion.Sam definitely added to the delusion in the real world, so I suspect he’s involved.I need to phone Lesbian and Gay Foundation to find cheap spiritual stuff to do in Beeston.I need to get on the Streetwise website.I need to get over this attack.Today my friend Lauren said I should read the gospels.The Christian God Squad is getting to me today.HeadHub is telling me to read Matthew’s gospel and maybe the rest of the New Testament.I tried to order the bible online but it was out of stock.I disagree with Julie, my Shaman.The spiritual path doesn’t have to be a lonely path.I need to go on more spiritual meetups and meet more local spiritual people.I need to find more local courses on spirituality.When I get better I need to contact the Job Centre and get one of those cheap bus passes for people on benefits.I ordered the book The Journey to You by Ross Heaven at the request of my Shaman.

My phone makes a noise when it rings even though it’s on silent.I shouldn’t have any computer viruses, but I do.

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