Myself was out. I had to be grateful I had a roof over my head. I had escaped from the streets and come down to this former home and now was to be treated as I deserved.
“When a man loves another woman it is hell to be involved with him.”
That is what life is like a botox because we smile but there is nothing we can do to show what we feel because we can’t move. Our muscles are constrained not to move at all.
“What no way.”
We were suddenly very close as close as anything and she needed to be closer still.
I had nowhere to go to.
“Auntie said I am now in your hands.”
“I did wrong now I am being punished for my deeds.”
“She has gone mad?” siblings laugh.
“I am sorry.” I was sweeping and sort of knelling I had kneeled over and knelt down to mother.
I remember that moment as if my selfhood was now kneeling to others.
“Yes it is for my sins.” I wanted to become a nun at that stage and was practising.
Mother was saying, “We were going to be very close indeed as close as we could be as snug as anyone should be.”
“Why is that true?”
“That is what they feel for their nearest and dearest.”
“That she is love which a married woman has for the girl in the house.”
Dad was cross do not be absurd you fool she will leave again.
“Nowhere to get to. He is gone.”
“Who has gone?”
“Are you okay?” dad asked sudden like he seemed to be concerned cornered as if he spoke the truth for once. I did not understand did not ask to be understood my pain was my own.
“Wish she was here. She has lost it. It is a costly courting season.”
“Your breath smells of odours of decay.” he told his wife of forty years.
She began to shout when he said that and called him a drunk and a oaf and they went to settle the bill which just came up.
“Never touched a drop I swear.”
“He asked how much for that supply?”
“Everything is expensive.”
“We did not make such amount?”
“Go to hell I am not arguing with you.” said Abdul and winked for mum to come out and say something she made a signal she could not do so and he left in a huff.
Mad as hell mum went astray lost. She did not come back again except to share tales of wanton lusts and make believe world of badness.
“Where do you get them stories from?” asked dad very tenderly.
But they dislike betraying themselves in this way? Of course they punish anything that tells on them. It is a disgrace how I do swear to it most of them in some improper relative.
She would hide the sins which she called blemishes of people such as herself.
She would powder her nose and help the others do the same and I would look on as if they were angels in disguise and this mattered to me?
I did not have a proper room for a number of years.
“Because my mummy did not want me because I could not hear is that it Mr Nice man?”
We are all closed knit family are we not? I have not seen anyone I know so we must be the closest knit family of the lot. No one is interested in me today I relaxed a bit. Dad said not to quick you might be a fry in the ointment. I have plans you know I am going to become a nun then I will not need money and I can afford to live in peace and tranquility.
Then I saw a programme on television about nuns being cruel and washing floors with a toothbrush and changed my mind. I must find someone to marry me.
He winks at his wife she is not slow.
I laugh too.
I was getting a obscene proposal of marriage and mother said I had a talent for attracting them. I said I did not.
It would save her the trouble of sending her brothers with their obscene proposals. Always married but wanting to marry me too. They were sent a dozen times it is most absurd to make such a thing as that my boy friend thought me like a flighty because of that sort of thing.
I had to marry without a photograph they said even that was denied me. I thought he does not have money or time to take a photograph so what is he proposing it looked fishy so I sent him a get well card instead.
“My cousins wonder why I sent a get well card to a suitor.”
“How do you all know.”
“There was a silence.
I think I am going to be pimped out.
“Yes the coma in the right place?”
“I did not get that far the cover is a bit too dark a little not that rich?”
“I am not a girl.”
“Where did he get too?”
“I will be back for the papers. Not now let me get out of here.”
Sign here on the dotted lines.
“Look honey that is a lie.”
Post marked 2018
My dearest I am saying a fond farewell I have become another darling. I am through with being me a mother a human being. Humour me I am now this glamour and there is not an inch of me left. I have done my deeds and now have began to watch over the death watch and haunting me is the past the things which I left behind.
The darlings which I am is that the treasures I left behind in order to have most of money and the champagne flowed like rivers condemned never to dry. My mouth stunk with the men and beasts who suckled me dry. I am no longer young and it is a shame to curse your mum.
I am leaving behind you and what you will do and become I always believed in you. This is my state which I am certain you can appreciate there is now this feeling of doom as I watch every day and night as if my last.
I love you and hope that you forgive me.
Post marked 2019
We do wish you well on your journey.
Then we had to sell out because no longer with a supplier. That Abdul burnt us down fiancially ruined and bankrupted us because he said as a supplier he had to have most of the takings. Takings he had to earn the points he was serving the wife and doing the curry house too. He was a over worked man.
What matter is did not say such a filthy word as came to my mind.
Adieu to this story because nothing has changed and everyone died or gone senile what is rot and what is good is now no more. We have all become something called estranged. Everyone still waiting for me to die and nothing but the naughtiness of being criminal on their minds.
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