She read and read again there is nothing else to do with it? I was in some sort of pain the bandages were itchy and this melody of sound as she read to me again and again. The same story line the same story what she read I can’t remember.
Maybe she was practising her English. But I do not know what she was reading as it was in another language. I was about five then so did not know English had no idea what it sounded like. Well I did know that sort of thing but the sound did not mean anything it went on it went on the English sound as if the sound would never move on to the plot to the story line.
This endless gentleness which was like a web of lines and more lines as if teachers was doing it over and over to me.
This endless lines endless whirling sounds of broken down voices which are the torments of the soul destroying another soul going round in the sound of this matter of act vice.
It was not torture it was sort of you did not could not move away from the sound. This pitch blackness as it went inside the body and made the sounds which whirled like madness endless madness. Inside her head inside disastrous sounds as if from far deep inside the shores of the shorelines which drove me into traumas of such sounds and made me nearly an idiot.
“Mummy don’t mummy doesn’t?”
“Kiss this hand just kisses this hand.”
“Mummy kisses hands?”
“Kiss my hand.”
“Yes I will kiss your hand never will I kiss another hand like yours mummy?”
“Never would I am sure.”
“Good riddance mummy.”
“Where did you get too? Where is she where is the whore?”
“You have gone blind mummy?”
“I can’t see you I can’t see you where did you run too?”
“You have been over reading mummy?”
“The ink has made you blind mummy.”
“Oh my God oh my God I will not be able to read and write I am an author unable to read what I’m I supposed to do.”
“Well rest mummy.”
“I can’t and I won’t live with her I am unable to be with her she is no flesh of mine she has nothing to do with me no more she is any more to do with this me.”
“Oh I can’t bear this.”
“Oh don’t bang the door.”
“This is fucking heck of a child.”
My mummy does not love me but never mind there is not enough of me to love anyway so must be able to do no more but to sleep alone and teddy to make me better.
“In fact it is such a shame when a five year old child has to defend herself from the parents what an ideal world to do this every time to the parents who do that to one?”
“To run amok in the psychology field and then found to be doing all the work of psychology my good pimp there lording over the accounts and filing away madness in the field batting the fielders why schools would be disaster areas with our genes unable to get into? Why we would no more be in schools but in hospitals what an idea? What an ideal situation that would mean we would be the patients which are what my adopted mother wanted to be.
What an ideal world that my adopted mother has the ideal world she is the one who has to get what she wants. She will be the patient’s world where she the leader of fashionable society would get everyone into becoming a patient society.
Where it is the height insanity to be where they all are you know most of the banking world is there too? Well the first thing now is the banking world now. Well they all are in there sorted. Most important thing is banks. It is where the rich mental patients live. Apparently the poor patients have more service than the rich because the super important. It is not ascetic enough said my good friend Hannah but she lived near Karl Marx cemetery so she into a bit of rough living.
The rich have not those good services as the poor said Hannah. Hannah said so because her sister asked for her help and her on the poor ladder and her sister on the rich ladder of psychiatry so that meant? I do not care what it does mean that she now almost cured. She is almost cured and is helping her sis. What a wonderful thing is psychiatry the parents are divorced and have more money and sense than they know what to do with. Like normal people it is normal to be that way in this day and age what else does one do with money but to cripple the children pay off the taxes so that one can test which system works best.
That makes us enlightened afterwards.
This is what I remembered when in a writing class some twenty years later. Her reading in that way and manner she reading to me reminded me of that time and it got too clever as someone else read a short stories about a headless corpse. The corpse getting kicked as two lesbian mothers made love. Well all for the good lesbians to get legally wed? Well when someone has to be legal it can be most inane not to make it through the nightly journeys and not be respectable like everyone else. Even the good Bishops into equality where else can they go well the Pop is no longer doing his job as he has got too carried away.
That is sick that is not dudes loving and making out why that is so sick. What the hell does he know about anything he is from Africa where they do that all the time so I do not think he is telling the truth about what he thinks. Why should he? He is making out while he takes the wage what else does he want or need?
From the heights of this and that I go back to my little family and the genetic diseases and disasters due to intermarriage that came over their blood line. So they are sobbing their hearts out coming for help and good advice. This is after all the most free of all treatments you get treatments whether you like it or not. So they are coming to take the treatment on offer because they have Brits passports and the uncle and aunt will adopt the child. Is not that good of them?
The family is coming over here to seek help for their little girl who has this disease of the blood poor thing she is very poorly she is so poorly might die there in Cyprus poor thing. She has no blood transfusion and might not live beyond the year what an idea it is for them coming over here and being helped by us. Why it is humanity to do our best for the family when we are indeed such a close knit one.
I had not realised how close we were and this makes me think we were so close that is I had not seen one of them before but we were close knit. I only saw the mother to bark at. Why we were that close we were. That is amazing how close we have become and it is not only that I have now a purpose because we are such a close knit family and would not allow anything bad to happen to their little girl while the mother and the father are trying for another baby. We are the closest family in the world we are.
Why here they are in here already what a thing did not expect you this soon why she does look poorly pale poor dear look she reads books too. What a bright clever thing come inside and get warmed up.
Now N she looks so thin what an idea you will not be pregnant again why? But the second child will not get that disease what an idea that is why she is so pale what a thin child. Won’t live another year thank God she won’t have any children won’t be genetically able too good what with books take her the books so she can read them.
How close we have become I have seen the child and she is bright she is almost as bright as I am and think strange that they left her here without a glance and the child is so bright too and them trying for another one why not cope with this one might be strange to think about the aunt and uncle over dressing her and she has gone on hunger strike too. She will not eat except take her vitamins I will not share what I think about the second child coming and taking her place because she did not share it with the sibling.
She reads all day she is very quiet a child must run about her so still and quiet what a clever thing to come over here N to see what it feels like in this cold climate and to bring this dear thing too. “Why don’t you read Jane Eyre dear?”
“Now did you read that?”
“Yes well read her sister too?”
“Which is this one?”
“Well it can’t be the brother he did not care to write the one who wrote that good novel which is the best novel?”
“I will go and find out.”
“What she write about?”
“Just read it will make you feel better.”
“Well what is that my dear?”
“Time is a great heal.”
“That is very nice.”
“What else did she get”?
“She sat in the kitchen and had a lot of writing paper.”
“Oh come that is a very good idea now run along and take a biscuit. Z can you go and see which tablets make you stronger?”
“That one is much better and easier to swallow”
“Which one is better”? I asked.
“The one called red.”
“What does it say on the paper on the bottle?”
“Oh it is iron we can’t eat iron.”
“But that is what makes you strong Z?”
“But I am eating iron?”
“Look doesn’t cry dear we all must eat what we do not like look I will eat liver and then you must eat iron.”
“Now you are going to take her out and about.”
“No I dislike going out. It is cold and wet.”
“Now we must say good bye.”
“Why what is the matter.”
“I have to go home to family if they do not want me I am prepared to die.”
“Well what about Z?”
“She wants to go to her auntie she has more space and things.”
“Oh very nice is not it? Got your tablets with them words?”
“Indeed you promised to eat as well?”
“As soon as you go home but not that soon now we must behave no crying over this and now go I will visit.”
“She has not eaten for three days?”
“Why is Z so fat? She has to eat otherwise she might die.”
“I will perish without then to live on want.” She said.
“I will soon discover what this means?” said dad.
“Do not interfere.”
“Look she has her party clothes on.”
What will she do what has happened she might die she will die if she does not eat.
“How nice for her” Said dad to me he always joked about people being nice to someone to anybody but to us we felt a comradeship because we were the losers in all this.
My depression settled right in and I cracked it.
I spoke to the mother and the father I yelled and then silence.
“Look do not bring your wife here just bring her we do not want any turbulence over here.”