DIARY of a 99%-er: The Struggle Between Survival and Creative Expression

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June 13

“And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was greater than the risk it took to bloom.” – Anais Nin


This quote is so inspirational that I’m not even going to cheapen it with any commentary.

Jubilation! One of the happiest days of my life. I’ve been praying to get laid off from my job because my finances, or lack of them, would not let me quit when I should have, which was about two years ago, precisely the time that Simon moved in. And, since I compassionately invited him to move in with me, I felt like I should stay at my job. I felt like getting laid off, at least, would enable me to start collecting unemployment benefits, since I’ve been paying into the system for more than a decade. And, then, I could devote myself full-time to the book I started writing.

So the Universe responds beautifully and I am the only one in the whole department to get laid off. And, this is just what I want. And, nobody else wants this. They’re too frightened. So, big props go out to the Universe for manifesting exactly what I want, with no one else getting hurt financially by it.

In addition to having more time to work on my writing, I’m thrilled that I will have more free time to interact with people who are social and interested in other people and don’t hide under the guise of “I’m soooooooooooooooooo busy. I can’t talk to you or take any interest in you because I’m sooooooooooooooooo busy. Look at how busy I am with all these emails that I have to cc you on.”

I make a conscious decision that I’m going to be much more discriminating in the kind of jobs I apply for than I was the last time I got laid off a few years ago, at the start of this recession.

It’s like a do-over. This time around, I’m giving myself permission to not rush and manically get “a job.” The recession is still lingering, even though some have the audacity to self-proclaim that it’s over. I don’t buy it. But it is all about faith. When the jobs get harder to come by, I’m going to take my time and keep the faith that a job in my field will manifest.

I’ve also been burned two or three times now by the experience of being forced financially to stay in oppressive, administrative work environments long after I should have quit. Then, it just gets ugly and awkward and tense as the managers clamp down even more. Only one time did I have the courage to leave of my own volition, and it was still a year too late – it had already gotten awkward and tense. The key is to leave on the threshold of oppression, right before it gets weird. I have always felt forced to stay because I had no idea how I would support myself finically. And, while I am in the exact same situation now, I vow that I will not go back to another administrative job. I, Toni Kelly, will have faith in my own creative abilities!

I finally have the confidence to rely on myself. I’m making a concerted effort to be more patient and say, “Look Universe, I’m purposely not doing a frantic job search so I can show you the paradigm I want – to be a writer and get paid for it, whether it’s journalism, books, magazines, plays, musicals, whatever!”

And, luckily, for me, I don’t need a job to be productive. Some people do. Otherwise they tend to surf the Internet all day – the modern equivalent of eating bon bons. I am not one of those people!

My first activity immediately after getting laid off: Going to Golden Spoon for the best frozen yogurt on the planet. When I wasn’t in the park on my lunch hour or break, I would make a beeline to the nearest Golden Spoon. Today, I sit and savor the lusciousness, with no concern about time for the first time in years. I save the faux golden plastic spoon as my Golden Spoon of Liberation!



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