DIARY of a 99%-er: The Struggle Between Survival and Creative Expression

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February 4

“It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.” – Tony Robbins

Today is the day -- the day we finally decide what to do about our living situation. And, because we’re still not sure what to do (we probably are, intuitively; we just can’t accept it yet), we have waited until the very last minute. The rental office said we could come any time between 5 pm and 6 pm to let them know.

It is now 5:45. The clock is ticking.

We have been going back and forth for the past 24 hours, mulling it over, letting it marinate, letting it stew – the whole enchilada. And, we still haven’t come to a mutual decision. It’s really hard to pull the plug on this apartment, as we have made it our own – intimate and cozy. We were able to scratch and claw our way through the past two years. Could we do it for two more or for however long it takes before our financial situation brightens considerably?

I am tempted to stay and re-sign the lease. Simon is on the fence. He is sitting on the couch in the living room, staring into space. I’m lying on the bed, mulling and marinating.

At 5:50 p.m., I jump up, fearful that we will miss our opportunity to do anything, and that the consequence will be that our lease automatically goes month-to-month, which there’s no way we can afford. “Simon, we have to make a decision,” I say impatiently.

And, in that moment, something snapped. Simon declaratively says, “We’re moving out,” as if he just had an epiphany. It was so abrupt that I almost started crying.

Maybe that’s how a lot of tough decisions are made – down to the wire, in the moment. But it didn’t feel right at all.

I ask him how he came to that decision so suddenly. And, he muttered something about how he couldn’t take it anymore- the financial stress, the size of the apartment, it was all too much. And, I could feel the accumulation of the past two years and the toll it has taken on our relationship.

So, although splitting up is going to be tough, it is probably the best for both of us right now. The tears start coming anyhow, as we walk quickly to the rental office to let them know.

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