I was at the terminal.
I don't remember how I got there.
I don't know why I'm there.
The only thing I know is I'm going to leave something and I am so sad about it.
And I'm just standing there. Thinking if I should hop on the next bus or not.
And I stood there.
I was at the church.
It was an old dilapidated church with endless columns going nowhere or somewhere I don't wanna go right now.
I was looking at the ceiling when someone tapped my back and greeted me.
I don't really much remember who he is. Either way, he is just so happy to see me.
But then, he's also asking me why.
Why I was there.
I lost my religion long ago.
I no longer believe in God, right?
I also asked myself why.
I guess he's right. But I'm not sure.
I'm not sure if I did lost my religion long ago. I'm not sure why I was there.
Then he said something.
I don't remember exactly the name. But the way I felt when he said it.. seems so familiar.
I felt my heart beats faster.
My stomach hurts.
I felt like the first time I met that girl.
Then he said, "she's the real reason why you are here before, right?".
I was about to say yes when he followed: "then, why are you here now?"
I was standing in front of your house.
I was excited.
I'm really happy that I will finally see you.
It was so long ago.
Or I felt like it was.
I was nervous and anxious when I knocked on your door.
I was shaking, really.
I remember that smile when you opened the door.
I love that smile!
I'm so happy to see again that deep dimple on your left cheek. Your round face. Your wide forehead with what I called, "rainbow hair" because of the weird short, thin curls on your hairline.
You looked the same as I saw you the last time.
Yes, a bit different when I first met you.
You're thinner back then.
I miss that.
But I miss you more!
You're "rounder" the last time I saw you. Did you lose some weight?
My first concern was your boobies.
I'm so happy to say the same thing I always say when I tell you to exercise, and jog, and go to the gym to lose some fatty.
"Did it deflate?"
I was about to utter my welcoming conversation starter when this guy came out of the door after you.
Or maybe I just don't want to remember his face.
I'm sure and not sure who he is.
Then I started acting "casual friendly" towards you.
Those lustful thoughts and libido. Gone.
I helped him on something I don't remember what. Or maybe I just don't want to remember.
Near that tree beside the porch, he picked up a kid. A girl. I always wanted to have a girl. But then, a boy is easier.
No seventh birthday special gathering whatsoever. No debut. No eighteen roses. No asshole boyfriends to worry every time my daughter comes home late.
I was walking behind him when you grabbed my arm just like before.
And I felt it.
That soft, firm, squishy lumps of fatty fat you have.
But I was not happy. Rather, it was the opposite.
I'm sad because I'm sure I will never feel that yummy squishy boobs you have. I will never smell that cheap shampoo mixed with your oily hair. I won't be able to do that "super anaconda bear hug" I always do to you everytime we lie in bed together after one or two.. or three rounds of steamy hot sex.
I will never taste your lips again.
And that kid.. She could have been mine.
As I walked outside, I heard some children play-phrasing something familiar to me.
And I know it because I made it.
At a dumpster nearby, I noticed a neatly folded yellow paper.
I know that paper though it's just an ordinary yellow pad paper.
There, I wrote the poem I gave to you ages and ages ago.
Something I gave to you back when you were younger.
I don't recall the entire poem. Only the last part because that was the first thing I wrote before I made the whole.
If you choose me to be your first,
Then I promise you to be my last
I woke up with my pillow full of tears and drool.