Inside My Soul

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Chapter 14: The Goo

I desperately hold on to the black box in the palm of my hand. Its edges are perfect, it’s brand new. Quickly, I open it, and of course, another strange identical black box lies inside it. I open the second black box, and again, another box sits inside of that one. This goes on a few times, as I keep unraveling these, box after box, as fast as my hands can function.

Then, that man again. I hear his ghastly laughs slowly permeate through the walls as I retrieve each box.

Lastly, I open a final box and a crippling gust of air blows through me and I swear I can hear the sound of my son’s voice calling my name. Then, my journey takes a strange twist.

I am pulled inside that box. Everything changes.

The sky is a pitch-black curtain, a backdrop behind big, dark rolling gray clouds and smoky gaseous colors that weave in and out of the air. There are stars as big as fire balls, and the moon is a luminous yellow round slice of cheese.

I look down at my ripped and dirty shirttail hanging out of my pants. My shoes are worn, and the laces drag across the ground as I walk around the scene that looks like Van Gogh’s Starry Night.

I have always loved the night. Maybe because I could hide things, or maybe because I could be anybody and nobody cares. My soul is free at night.

I follow the path illuminated by the moon’s faint light, up a small hill. The soft grass bends under my feet as I climb up the hill overlooking a huge field.

I know this place. It’s familiar. That is my battlefield. The grass is all smooshed and flattened by all of my demons that have been here, fighting each other for years. Spitting on each other. That man has been there too along with that shadow, watching along the sidelines, while the black night looms over them, quietly enjoying the scene.

I don’t want to go there anymore. I don’t.

I turn and walk down the hill, in the opposite direction, into a peaceful valley, where I stand under the dark shrine of the night, listening to the murmuring winds and gazing at the barely visible trees surrounding the edges of the light green grass in the valley.

A small beam of happiness shines through my soul. I just want to stay here.

I walk across the valley, soaking in the moment. I notice the tall green grass mixed with wild dandelions blowing back and forth.

Flash. A light. Then a strong gust of air.

Instantaneously, something or someone swoops down from the swirling sky, wraps its arms around me, and hoists into the night like a bird dancing into the horizon.

My stomach flip-flops. My hands tremble.

All I can see, underneath these parachute-like wings, is an intricate maze of twinkling lights shimmering like glitter on an opaque sheet of black, which looks like a body of water running between them.

Wind in my hair, I reach down and try to scoop some of the glitter from this magical kingdom, but just as I do—Bam!

I hit the ground. Once more, I stand in the tranquil valley of green grass. My Peter Pan flight is over just like that, and after one small step, the green mossy ground gives way, and I find myself falling into a hole. All over again, I am in a new place.

Except, this isn’t a place.

This is a dimension. It’s another world!

And worse, I am here upside down, swinging like a pendulum above some sort of big soupy mix.

Back and forth, I swing like a clock gong.

The air is swirling, and I am hanging above a cauldron of soup-like lava. It roars and bubbles. Strange objects of all sizes are floating and mingling together simultaneously inside the liquid. There are millions. Billions. Mixing. Joining. Spreading. I am connected to them. What is this?!

A big mound of goo rises up and takes the shape of an object. It has lights within it. What is that? I try to make out what it is. It fizzes, almost like a reactive chemical, and then sinks to the bottom.

Different colors of fog burst forth from the goo and into the air, transforming into thin lines of smoke. They, too, have lights within them. They rise up and engulf me completely. I am part of them and they, of me.

I panic. The colors of smoke turn red, green, yellow as they squiggle through me.

Back and forth . . .

Back and forth . . .

Back and forth . . .

I swing on . . . Above all of these grotesque mounds swimming in a gooey lake.

More and more blobs of sloppy mix begin to fizzle and roar. Grumbling underneath me, a giant ocean of inexplicable bubbling lava boiling with a mad energy declares itself like a mighty king. Still swinging, I try to turn my head and look further on either side. God, the size of this goo-pool is mind blowing. It’s a never-ending lake of craziness. My body seems to jolt with fear.

What is happening?!!!

Back and forth, I continue to swing as the goo erupts, and so do I. A volcano of thoughts, words, deeds, and emotions unfurl from within me like I have never known.

My life races through me . . . around me . . . under me.

A child. The sun. Peace. Warmth. The ocean. Salty air. Carelessness. My father. The pride. A narcissist . . .

I try to breathe.

Back and forth . . .

Back and forth . . .

Back and forth . . .

I swing.

I look down at the liquidy blubbery mix…..

My son. The guilt. Shame. Indignity. My company. The conceit. Ego. Competitiveness. . .

My wife. The laxity. Abandonment. Dilapidation. My greed. My house. My stuff . . .

And then a monster size mound of goo emerges, and it rises into a pinnacle of all the goodness that I have ever known, up into the air.

And my “other side” remembers the love from years ago—its softness, the longing, the need, the rush, the completeness . . .

White smoke begins to rise up and pour around me like a burning house, and I drop from the pendulum into the goo, sinking slowly to the bottom.

I open my eyes and peep through the murky liquid, holding my breath. There is something in the center of it. What it that? I don’t know, but I know it’s there. It’s big. A wisp of light emanates from it. It is the mother lode of all this goo. It is what creates the goo.

It knows. It sees. It feels. It hears that I am inside it. The intensity of its light grows. Ahhh, it’s bright! The light begins to fraction itself everywhere and all through this dimension of goo. I can sense that the tiny pieces of light are actually integral parts of me to various degrees.

Matter of fact, the goo is every aspect of thought and emotion ever created. Always changing, always feeling, always shifting, and forever waxing and waning.

The light continues to shine brightly encompassing me, and there is no doubt in my mind, I know that the light is love.

At this moment, I realize that love is, really, all there is.

It’s the absence of love that makes up various degrees and fractions of everything else in this world.

Still holding my breath, the particles of light slowly fade and the goo, the smoke, and all the fizzy pieces of my soul bury itself around me beneath this eternal ocean’s floor.

I hold my breath, shut my eyes, and count to ten. One—two—three—four—five—six—seven—eight—nine—

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