The Absurd Tales of Honkers McGonklin

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Summary

Honkers McGonklin always gets his man, and you'll soon why he's the best butt-chinned cop out there. Follow Honkers McGonklin and his misadventures into the hilarious, absurd, and totally random in this comedy-action series.

Genre:
Other / Action
Author:
Brian.C.Sloan
Status:
Ongoing
Chapters:
6
Rating:
n/a
Age Rating:
16+

Case #1: The Missing Hubby-Part One

“McGonklin!!!!” The angry voice rang out wildly in the police station. Every officer at their desk stopped their paperwork and chatter momentarily, except for one. The red-faced Chief peered from his office door at the bullpen, his eyes staring a hole into none other than Honkers McGonklin.

Unfazed by the Chief’s anger, Officer McGonklin stared right back as he finished the last few bites of his double-glazed donut. It was a Mexican standoff.

After more uncomfortable silence, the Chief shouted again.

“My office, now!!”

Honkers casually sipped the last of his coffee, spilling much of it on his unusually large butt-chin. He wiped off the spilled liquid with the back of his hand and swaggered down to the office. Other officers dared a glance at him as he passed, but a mean stare and flex of his bulging biceps made them think twice.

“Another day with you and me in paradise,” he mumbled under his breath. He knew exactly what the meeting was about, and he didn’t care about all the bureaucratic mess that made his Chief so adamant. Because he knew deep down inside, the police force would never let him go.

“Why,” you ask? Because Honkers McGonklin always gets his man.

Moments later, Honkers sat down in a chair in front of the Chief, arms crossed in defiance and pursing his lips.

“Close that door behind you,” the Chief commanded.

“It IS closed, sir.” Honkers raised an eyebrow as he thumbed towards the closed door behind him.

“Well, no matter. We got a BIG problem.”

“Your mom?”

“No, she’s finally out of town, thank baby Jesus. Honkers, I got City Hall up my ass about all the mess you made catching that last criminal. Saying we should be responsible for it!”

“Well maybe City Hall should buy you a drink first.”

“Heavens to Betsy, Honkers! Don’t you get it?! Every time you go tearing through town causing a mess, they’re up my ass about it!!”

“I did what I had to do, and we busted one of the biggest criminals in New York City!”

“Honkers, you picked up a man that used a walker and threw him at the criminal like he’s some kind of human weapon!”

“He was willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good.”

“Witnesses said, and I quote, ‘don’t throw me I don’t want to be sacrificed for the greater good.’ How’s that?”

“I thought he was kidding.”

“You threw hand grenades towards innocent bystanders to make them get out of the way!”

“I didn’t want to run into them.”

“Honkers, you are quite possibly the most reckless human being I’ve ever come across. You are not fit to work here as long as you behave this way.”

“But Honkers McGonklin ALWAYS get his man!!”

“I don’t care! Find a way to do it without getting City Hall up my ass!”

“I’m not gonna lie sir, I’m a little put off with how often you keep talking about city hall being up your ass. I mean, are you having feelings of….”

“Honkers, I’m gonna have to suspend you.”

“WHAT?!”

“I have no other choice. Take some time off, get into some Zen stuff or take gluten out of your diet or something, and learn how to not destroy everything when you come back in two months.”

“Gluten free? Do I look like a hipster to you?”

“Good point, but anyway my hands are tied here…you know….like tied to a bed and I got city hall up my ass. And there’s a ball gag in my mouth.”

“Wow…..that’s really getting overt now.”

“Sometimes City Hall likes to watch….”

“You can’t suspend me! I didn’t do anything….”

“I need your weapon and your badge.”

“But, Chief…..”

“Now, McGonklin!”

Steam literally coming out of his head, Honkers put down his revolver and his badge. The Chief thought that Honkers should really get the steam thing looked at, but first he took the two items and kept staring at McGonklin.

“What??”

“The other one.”

Honkers yanked a Glock that was tucked into his Stingray boots and set it on the desk.

“And your other one.”

“Ugggh.”

Honkers pulled an elephant gun from under his coat and laid it on the desk.

“And the other one.”

“No, not Helga…”

“Yes, Helga.”

With a look of utter disdain, Honkers pulled out a leather whip from his jacket.

“Whoops….wrong one.”

He then took his nighstick from his belt, and paused in hesitation. This was no ordinary police baton, this was Helga the mythical nighstick. It was feared by many criminals, and though while cleaned off had traces of blood from at least 100 drug dealers. When any drug dealer came within 20 yards of Helga, it glowed a deep purple .

“Honkers?” The officer put it down, and stood up.

“Two months then?”

“Two months.”

“Hey, Chief before I go….let me ask you a question.”

“What?! Hurry up, I got other things to do!”

“What do you call a Police Chief that smells like cheap cologne, gets angry at everything, and only cares about his reputation?”

“A cliché from a bad cop movie?”

“No, I call it the moron standing right in front of me.”

“Oh…haha good one. For a second there I thought you were going to say me.”

“Yikes….”

Honkers rolled his eyes and slammed the door behind him, leaving the Police Chief to his thoughts. After a moment of checking that Honkers was far gone, the chief dialed a number on his desk phone.

“Hey, Cynthia? Yeah, doing great! Hey um…I was wondering. Could City Hall come over to my place after dinner?”

On his way out, Honkers could only think of the pure ignorance of his Police Chief and how politics had once again got a leg up on ‘ole McGonklin. All other officers intently stared at their computer screen, not daring to look in Honkers’ direction when he was angry. When in a cool state, Honkers was a great guy to be around. But get on his bad side, or the wrong side of the law…and Honkers was your worst enemy. He once punched a baby to get information about a case.

“Please, can you do something about him!?” A frantic voice emanated from the lobby area. Passing by, Honkers couldn’t help himself and stood nearby to listen in.

“It’s been two weeks now, and no one’s done anything!”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Dougheyez, but there’s not much more we can do. I understand your husband’s missing, but we got nothing to go on. We can’t put all our time on a cold case.”

“But you can’t just give up on him.”

“Yeah, but….that’s exactly what we’re doing so…”

Honkers could only listen for so long, and moved towards the two. The woman’s big, fawn like eyes enticed him to help so he could possibly…help. Yup, that’s it. Help…

“Hey, Officer Fisting! Take a hike!” Honkers barked as he sized himself up against the other officer , who shrunk back a bit.

“Hey, Chief suspen….”

“Mrs. Dougheyez, I understand you’re husband is missing,” McGonklin shoved the other officer by the face and sent him sprawling into a crowd of midgets drinking Starbucks. Ironically, they were all drinking Talls.

“Yes, my husband’s been missing.”

“I got that part. Name’s Honkers. Honkers McGonklin.”

“Mrs. Dougheyez. I love your butt-chin, it’s so manly.”

“It’s at the tail end of a lot of jokes, I’ll even let you take a crack at it.”

“No thanks.”

“When was your husband last seen, ma’am?”

“Well, he was at work and said he’d be home a bit late. I noticed something was wrong when I waited for two days without eating or sleeping and didn’t see him.”

“Wow, that’s really….so did he say why he would be home late?”

“Yes, he was going by the Generic Bar Place for a drink, and then stopping by the Hops ’n Pops ice cream store on the way home. I wasn’t crazy about it, because you know how those neighborhoods with the kangaroos get. Always stuffing things in their pouches. Anyway, the police talked to the bartenders and patrons at the Generic Bar Place and they all said he got a drink and left.”

“What about the Hops ’n Pops?”

“Nothing from there, according to the owner he never showed.”

“Wait….are you talking about the Hops ’n Pops on 5th and Main?”

“Yes! Why?”

“Marsupial Jackson……”

“Who?”

“I think I know someone who might have a little more information about what happened, maybe get the real story.”

“That’s excellent.”

“Yes, he’s an informant of mine.”

“Well great, maybe you can…”

“He’s a street-wise kangaroo who don’t play no games.”

“Uh, okay, I’m not sure why you’re telling….”

“He ain’t no slouch cuz he got a pouch.”

“Please stop doing that...”

“He gets da hop when he sees dat cop.”

“Errrr, so are you gonna….”

“Talk to Marsupial and get some information on your husband, and crack this case. You know why , Mrs. Dougheyez?”

“Cuz I got big eyes, boobies, and a booty that don’t quit?”

“Yes, those are true. But also, because Honkers McGonklin always gets his man. “

“His man? Like you two guys are….”

“Honkers McGonklin, on the case!”

TO BE CONTINUED…(and stuff)

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