The pain hurt and hate-filled me and yet I felt nothing. I was so empty; it was like I was just a shell of the person who I used to be. All trust and feelings I had towards Hunter were broken. He destroyed them, destroyed me. The image of Jessica's lips on his was replaying over and over again like a broken vinyl. I was beyond the point of sanity. My rules, he ignored me, he couldn't even keep it in his pants for a month! Who the hell does he think he is? I'll tell you who, Hunter fucking Black. I know I was not as innocent but trust me those feelings I had for him have been wiped clean. My feelings had been shattered piercing my heart and letting the blood flow until I died of hurt, shame and embarrassment. The tears were a never-ending stream that cascaded down my face, my face was as puffy as a pufferfish and my throat was as dry as the Sahara Desert.
I was a mess but I didn't care, he had ruined me perfectly, perfectly ruined. It was ironic, it was my own fault for falling for someone like him. He even told me not to and being a nerd I should be smart enough to know too, at least to have listened; I never do! I was mad at myself for even liking him more than a friend, they think I'm smart, trust me I'm just as dumb all the others.
Needing some Netflix therapy I haul the laptop towards me and log in with Lily's email and password before watching some episodes of Riverdale that I have yet to catch up on. I had tried to ring Lily but, she must be at work as I couldn't get a hold of her. She'll ring me later anyway. Jughead and Betty are such a couple but, it was still a fresh wound and they just plunged a knife deep into it. Slamming my laptop shut I ran downstairs to grab a load of popsicles because this is what I needed to make me feel better. I had received multiple text messages from Hunter but I ignored them all. I needed to feel just the slight glimmer of hope that this will get better, that I will not feel like this forever. I was doing my best to ignore the constant stab at my heart but, it wouldn't leave me alone.
Everything felt right with Hunter, even though I knew his past, even though I knew all the bad things he had done I still wanted him and I was clearly an idiot for thinking he would ever want someone like me, a nerd when there were people like Jessica who would flaunt their long legs and wear clothes too small for them. The pain bubbled in my chest suffocating me as more tears flowed freely down my face. Everything was replaying and I can't believe I actually fell for him.
I reached for my phone and blocked his number. I needed to be able to move on without him dragging me back. It reminded me of Dua Lips song 'rules' and I was going to live by them, except I was never going to end up under him. The thought made me blush before I scolded myself for thinking such thoughts and looked at my phone waiting for Lily to phone, I really needed her. I had debated whether I should go down to the 'Delizioso Cibo Italiano' (the name of Lily's parents restaurant) but, I didn't want to go and cry in front of everyone, they were like my second family and I really didn't want to worry them, though the food would have been great!
Finally, after five minutes of agonizing pain, my phone lit up with Lily as the caller ID and I answered straight away.
"Hey bitch, what's up?"
So I told her, I told her everything. I know she was there at the party but, I never did tell her what happened just that I wanted to leave and being the good friend she is she didn't ask a question. She knew I would tell her when I was ready. I told how I felt and what I saw when I went back to the house. I even told her that we weren't even dating for real and how it was just a scheme to get back at everyone and how stupid it seems now. She listened patiently and didn't interrupt me at all. Finally, when I was finished she spoke in a careful tone.
"Well, if he can't see how great you are when he doesn't deserve you but, maybe you should talk to him to try to work it out. If you like him as much as you say you do you'll try to work through things. Also, I hate you for not telling me you guys were never really together because you could never tell, it looked like you both were well in love."
I gasped how could she use the L-word. There was no way I loved him. However, what she did say made sense but, I was too stubborn to listen to her.
"Lily, I'm not going to talk to him just yet, I need time to heal or at least stop crying."
"Okay, look I've got to go, love you talk later bitch."
"Bye love you too."
With that, she hung up and I was left alone with my thoughts once again. You know for just a second you know I thought he was changing, that maybe just maybe he would actually return the feelings that I had for him. Guess it was wishful thinking.