Chapter 29 - Clichè is the way
I inhaled deeply, holding back the tears that were prickling behind my eyes as I crossed my arms, trying to protect myself because, suddenly, out of the blue, I felt not just powerless, but broken ... broken because he'd annihilated my every ounce of strength with those kisses and I ... no, no, no, I can't feel, no ... I've just reached my goal, Kyle kissed me and even asked me out, I can't ... had to take another deep breath before I could be able to talk without giving away my emotions.
Eventually, I nodded, slipping away as I put some more distance between us, as, something inside me warned, I should have done since the beginning.
Arms still crossed, I nodded once more, swallowing and trying desperately to hold back my tears, wanting to assure him it was all ok,that he didn't have to think I wanted more,because I didn't,I understood it was just...a pastime for him.
Yet all I managed to say before running away was: "Bye, Eric."
CHAPTER 29 - CLICHÈ IS THE WAY
I'm a damn idiot. A complete and utter idiot. Why the hell did I do that? Why?! I just couldn't resist. When this morning I saw her kissing that jerk while just the other day I'd done the same with her, like even that very light kiss meant nothing to her, I was so mad, so fuming that I skipped half of my classes not to risk snapping at the teachers or worse, I spent time alone to try and calm myself down, I released my adrenaline by punching the bag I have hung on the rooftop, but even when I managed to calm myself down at least a bit, I saw her beside my car, waiting for me, and while part of me wanted to run to her, reach for her, because I needed her, getting closer and closer images of her kissing that brat hammered in my mind and anger seeped through me, which is why I snapped at her ...
Because I've been ... goddamn, I've been loving her since 8 years and, not only did she never even acknowledge me till I became what I became, but then she's been avoiding me, afraid of me ... it made me feel frustrated that I loved her, I have been loving her with my whole damn heart for eight years and she barely even noticed me!
And, to top it all, I was losing her once for all to the benefit of that idiot, who, I'm sure, will only hurt her ... that's why I was so rude with her, but then she looked so upset and ... I can't see her like that, not because of me.
But when I touched her all my control went out of the window and I had to feel more of her ... I got carried away, things slipped away from my grip and I even gave her a damn hickey! That was my possessive side, my worst side, claiming her as mine and mine only, which she isn't, I know she isn't ... and that drives me insane.
Cursing, I stepped in my car. Maybe if I move now I'll be able to reach her ... but what for? God, the look in her eyes when she said bye ... she tried to hide it, but the hurt was too clear in her eyes. And the worst is, I did that. I! Not that jerk, not ... anybody, it was me! I hurt her. God, I've been keeping at distance just not to and yet I did!
Took me hours of wearing myself out in the gym before I managed to have the guts to swallow my own pride and head to her place ... to beg for her forgiveness if necessary.
I know,I cannot be in her life,but neither can I stand her being cross with me or worse,hurt because of me.
It was past seven pm already when I reached her porch. Taking a deep breath, I knocked. A very beautiful woman in her late thirties opened the door almost instantly.
"Hi." She greeted, smiling brightly, which made me sure that this was Natalie's mother, no doubt about it, because she had her same bright and captivating smile. I managed to just nod in response.
"You must be Kyle. Natalie is in her room, getting ready." My eyes widened as she said that. Not because she exchanged me for that idiot, but because ... I lost her, goddamn, I lost her ... she's going out with him now and I'm here, looking stupid and weak and pathetic while my stupid heart won't stop bleeding.
Natalie's mother scrutinized me, confused, probably thinking I wasn't feeling too well. I took a deep breath, it was easy, I simply had to correct her, yet words wouldn't come out of my mouth. And when I heard that voice, that heavenly voice from the upper floor, my heart skipped a beat and sank at the same time, I have no idea how it was able to do both, but it did.
"Come down, sweetie, your date is here already!" The woman in front of me called and my heart started racing faster.
Reasonably, I'd have to move and go away, because I had no right to ruin her very first date, but the most selfish part of me wanted to stay there and do exactly that, because she was mine, it was my only right to be close to her, because I've been loving her since forever and right now, the very simple idea of losing her once for all made me feel as weak as ever and ...
For God's sakes, I sound like a fucking pussy, but I love her! I am in love with her and she's killing me without even knowing. Every damn moment she looks at me that frightened, every damn time she steps back, or changes path not to cross mine, every damn time she runs away from me ... it's like a damn painful stab at my stupid heart. And right now I can't move because if I do, she'll go out with him and I ...
"Awww, you're so beautiful, sweetie!" The woman beamed, clapping her hands, taking me off of my thoughts. When she pulled aside, I found Natalie, gorgeous as ever in her coral summer dress that showed so much of her skin I had no idea where to look first ... her long legs? As bare as I've never seen them. Or her arms? So slender. Or even her neckline? The upper side of the dress was in lace, so even if her neckline was pretty high, I could still see through the stuff, starting from the upper side of her cleavage. Her hair was tied up in a braid, which was on her left shoulder. The wedges made her slightly taller and the rest of the outfit, her bracelets and bag, I barely noticed.
What made me catch my breath, was the coral foulard, slightly darker than the dress, covering her neck ... that was my fault. Even without knowing, I was about to spoil her first date with my selfishness hours ago, just like I was now.
Natalie was gazing at me wide-eyed, clearly surprised to see me. I can't blame her if she's disappointed, she was expecting Kyle and found me ... my heart dropped as I realized that obviously, she didn't want to see me, obviously, I wasn't welcome, because she was about to go out with the one and only she's been crushing on since years, while I ... well, I was just that heartless brat who'd hurt her, forcing himself on her.
I barely heard her mother giving her rules and everything, then warning me not to be too late and to behave, before disappearing into the living room.
The never-ending dumbfounded but also indifferent gaze Natalie was giving me had me frozen, unable to move or talk or anything, therefore silence reigned between us for too long.
"For what it's worth, you really look gorgeous." I managed to mumble, eyes on the floor. She mumbled a thanks in response, then took a deep breath.
"It's not to spoil your date." I interrupted her, then sighed. "I ... I didn't even know you had ... I didn't know you and Kyle ..."
"This is just our first date." She inhaled deeply. "This is actually my first date ever."
Maybe it was me, but that sounded reprimanding and I felt guilty. I raked a hand through my hair and heard a light chuckle from her, so I looked up, a small smile still lingering on her lips.
"You do that a lot, don't you?" She asked. I blinked my eyes, confused. "Your hair." She explained, pointing at my hand still dipped in it. "You mess it a lot."
Instinctively, I retrieved my hand and she chuckled more, making me smile as well, but then we returned serious. I took a deep breath. It was now or never. I'd have to disappear soon if I didn't want to really spoil her first date, especially because, I'm pretty sure, my knuckles would soon find my half-brother's face if he appeared behind me.
"Ok, uh ... I'll make it quick." I started, trying to sound secure, but this girl makes me doubt of everything. I can't get a hold of my own thoughts when it comes to her. I just know that I love her more than anything.
Actually, she's the only thing and person that I've ever loved in my life. Besides her, I care only for my uncle. Everybody can just disappear for me, but uncle Sam has been a real father for me and I have no doubt he'd have raised Hell to take me into custody if he'd known since the beginning.
But I couldn't tell him, if I did, they'd kill him too. I only told him when he made me spill it out. So I love him like a I would love a true father. Believe me,as a child I even called him dad and he never minded. Too bad we had to split. His sister got married to Satan himself and every chance for me to visit my uncle was off limits,because if I did,then words might have slipped out of my mouth...
Now, I was saying, aside from my uncle, there is not a soul in the world I care for after Natalie. We haven't shared anything. Our lives have never entwined before that stupid project, and yet ... and yet I knew, I've known since years, since that day, that my future was her. That I could never want anybody else beside me.
How different reality was from my dreams and expectations, though. How did I have to swallow my wishes for her own good. These weeks, I've been biting back those words I am still craving to tell her, because something inside me yells that she has to know. I can't have her and she might laugh of it, but she has to know what she does to my heart.
She needs to know that I'd pretty much die for her. I'd kill for her. Anything for her. I'd never make her feel guilty by telling her how much she's hurt me without knowing, no, but inside me, that something keeps screaming that I might die tomorrow and she has to know what I feel. At least to know, to have her think back to high school, 10 or even 20 years from now, and possibly smile, or even laugh, I don't care, at the thought of this idiot so madly in love with her without a real reason.
I know she'll soon catch the heart of someone smart enough not to let her go, but something selfish inside me wants her to know that before anyone, before the world decided to open its eyes and finally see what a unique creature she is, before that, she has to know somebody, well, a nobody to her, has loved her with all his corrupted heart.
But I can't tell her, can I? Not right now anyway. I was already spoiling her very first date, I couldn't add stress to her already nervous state.
"I'm here to ..." As far as I can remember, I never have, to anyone, but ... "I'm here to apologize. For today and ... the other day and ... for the kiss, and ... that ..." I pointed at her neck.
Distractedly, her hand reached that very same spot where the hickey was, which was covered by the foulard. To anyone, it'd look like a fashion touch, to me, it was the sign of how stupid I was.
But understand me, she drives me insane. I had her there, in my arms ... I was barely able to stop at that, if I really have to be honest. Not that I'd want just that from her, but ... well, do I need to say the truth? Since I started thinking about girls, there was only one I pictured in my bed. Sounds sick or pathetic? I don't care. I just always thought of her beside me.
I'm not saying I thought of her as I ... well, pleasured myself, which ... I forced myself not to, because I didn't want to spoil her innocent image, but I did think of her when I was with other girls. Possibly, only Dana has ever made me forget about my precious Natalie,which might be why she's the only one that's lasted more than one night.
"I ... it was very stupid and arrogant of me. I shouldn't have. Sorry." I continued. She didn't say anything, just nodded. I sighed. "Natalie, I ..."
"No, I get it. You're sorry." I closed my eyes, trying to keep control over my emotions, especially because I could feel the slightest hint of hurt in her voice and I hate that it's me to cause that.
"But it's ok. The ... this thing is gonna be gone soon and ..." She inhaled deeply, my perverted mind rejoicing of the sight of her breasts going up and down as she did. "... and it's all forgotten. Really. You don't ... you don't need to worry. I mean ... just because you kissed me, I don't think you ..." She shook her head forcefully, like wanting to delete some thought. "I understand you acted on impulse and didn't really mean to do it. So it's ..." Her voice faltered for a moment, so she cleared her throat. "It's all forgotten. Really."
My heart more than dropped, it went dead for a moment at that. It was all forgotten. I mean nothing to her, do I? But after all it's better this way, because I could only hurt her, with all the mess that is my life ... yet it hurts. It fucking hurts to have to let her go. It fucking hurts to look her straight in the eyes and say goodbye, even if just silently, while my heart is bleeding. I couldn't even tell her the truth. I'd have, will have to, live and die with those words stuck in my throat.
So I just nodded, trying to breathe, even if she'd just stabbed me to death. I have been stabbed, literally, but it never felt so painful as now.
Swallowing and inhaling deeply, all I could manage to mumble was: "Have a nice date, Natalie."
As I watched him go, something inside me yelled me to stop him. But my legs felt too heavy and they just wouldn't move, so I remained there, watching him leave my porch and, possibly, my life, without even having ever really entered it. Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like I can't let him go?
Just as Eric reached his car, with the corner of my eye I noticed another car pulling over in my driveway, and I knew it was Kyle, coming to pick me up for our date, but I simply ignored him as I called: "Eric!"
He froze in his spot as I ran to him, getting rid of my wedges on my way, and, like a very cliché movie, I grabbed his arm, making him turn around, and kissed him. Really kissed him. With all the passion I could put together.
From his part, he deepened it, his arms soon wrapping around me as he pressed me closer to his body, never ceasing our mind-blowing kiss. Not that I wanted him to. I wanted to harp on that moment, memorize the taste of his lips before he'd pull back and leave me forever.
He spun around and I found myself, like a déjà vu, pressed against his car, him on me, hands gripping me tightly, just like mine were wrapped around his neck.
He growled when I gripped his hair and I moaned when he bit my lip. He pressed me and pressed me against him, so much that I could clearly feel every single bit of his perfectly rippled muscles as he held me there, with seemingly no intention to let me go.
We broke our kiss only because we needed to breathe, but I, uncontrollably, smiled against his mouth and he pecked my lips, leaning his forehead on mine, both of us breathing heavily.
"I thought you said it was all forgotten ..." Eric commented, a light smile etched on his lips.
A smile I mirrored as I pecked his lips. "I lied. Obvious." I confessed.
He grinned, once more pecking my lips. "And now what?"
I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes to take in not just his scent, but also the feeling of his arms around me, his breath hitting my jaw, his forehead on mine ... everything. "Now ... I have no idea."
He chuckled, kissing my cheek. "Oh, Natalie, you're unique."
I giggled as he said that, better pressing him against me. I had really no idea of what I was doing or why, had no idea what would come next, the only certainty was that, that moment, with me in Eric's arms, that was the most perfect moment of my whole life.
I barely heard a car driving off and I turned around in time to see Kyle going away. Now I felt guilty. I'd just flat out ignored him, our date, to literally run in his enemy's arms. Why? I have no idea. I just felt the need to do just that. Because Eric was practically walking out of my life and something inside me screamed I couldn't let him. Not now that he'd entered it.
"Guess I just spoiled your date for real." Eric commented, more amused than sorry.
I turned to him and saw him grinning in fact. "So sorry about it, aren't you?" I mocked and his grin widened.
"Honestly? Not even in the slightest bit." He admitted and I couldn't help but giggle. "But I can fix it." He stated.
"Mmh ... how?"
He pecked my lips, lingering a bit more than due in it. "You look too pretty to waste this outfit for a day alone, so ... have dinner with me."
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