Chapter 37 - Let it go
a/n: *singing* let it goooo let it goooo can't hold it back anymore... haha xD you will loooove this chapter,I know you will :D
let me know what you think :)
CHAPTER 37 - LET IT GO
"You're late." I chided as soon as I opened the door, knowing who it was. Eric gave me a crooked grin as he showed off the pizza cartons in his hand, which made me grin too. I could smell all my favorite ingredients.
"You're forgiven only because you brought pizza." I commented, half sternly but jokingly, as I grabbed the cartons from his hands, then walked towards the living room. Eric chuckled and, once closed the door, followed me.
When this afternoon he texted me that he'd drop by, the idea of a pizza and movie together almost immediately formed in my mind, but I wasn't sure. Mom works tonight, therefore we'd be alone. Aisha convinced me to go through with it, but I thought it was better to ask General Watson first. She's sweet and everything, but really severe at times. Much to my surprise, she agreed. Well, after having scrutinized me for a long moment, and on condition that my boyfriend must be out by ten. She trusts me, she underlined. She trusts me and she knows I wouldn't do anything wrong, but she recommended me to be careful if I was to act on impulse, which, obviously made me blush profusely at the very simple thought ...
Before Aisha left, she had me wear one of my new outfits, which was a little more daring, but only in the sense that it better hugged my curves other than hide them. So I was wearing sort of skinny faded blue jeans and a white halter top, plus a beige long cardigan. I'd argued with my friend that it was just an informal night, but she said it'd be just the two of us, so it counted as date, therefore I had to look good. "You gotta always look good for your stud, Cookie", she told me and, maybe it was just me reading between the lines, but I took it as an indirectly reminding me that Eric is quite a catch for girls, be it only because he's so hot, therefore they might try to steal him from me and ... nah, I was overthinking. Ok, maybe I am jealous of him, but I trust him. I know he wouldn't cheat on me ... I think.
I lay the pizza on the coffee table in front of the sofa and sat down. Only one detail of my outfit wasn't as my friend wanted: I was barefooted. I've always liked walking around home like that and I thought that it would have helped me be more comfortable tonight, so ... but even my hair was cured, I mean, Aisha insisted on curling it for me, saying I shall keep it that way for a while, just to see how it looks. Also, she made me swear not to back out of the promise I made her to let her be my beautician every time I need it and to start wearing my new clothes, cutting it off with baggy things that hide my curves.
As Eric sat down next to me, he eyed me for a long minute, which I pretended not to notice while I fumbled with the remote to start the movie, considering I'd already put the DVD on, just to spare some time. I yelped when Eric effortlessly grabbed me by my hips and brought me to him, making me lean against his side as he sank into the sofa.
"Much better now." He commented as he wrapped an arm around me. Trying to dissimulate, I argued that that way I couldn't reach pizza, but he simply leaned in to grab one of the cartons and lay it beside him. I narrowed my eyes at him when I realized I'd have to lean in to him too much to grab a slice, but he simply grinned, opening the carton as he told me to start the movie.
Adjusting my feet to bend them on the sofa, I better leaned on him and reached for the remote, but before I could start the movie, he stopped me: "Wait. We forgot something." I frowned, confused, and he grinned, leaning in to lock lips with me, making my heart skip a beat. "A refill of sugar was needed." He joked and I rolled my eyes.
"Watch out, Rivers, I might think you're becoming a softie ..." I teased, not really knowing where did that come from, but I feel at ease with him.
He smirked. "I am when it comes to my princess." He told me as he nuzzled my cheek, making me giggle and blush, so I decided I'd act like nothing and start the movie, immediately grinning when I first heard the icemen's song. I love Frozen. I think I've seen it thousands of times. Soon enough I found myself moving my feet rhythmically at the song the icemen were singing and I was even humming it a little. Eric beside me chuckled.
"You know it by heart, don't you?" He asked me, to which I just grinned, nodding, eyes still on the TV. He smiled and placed a kiss on my cheek before reaching out to grab two slices of pizza, one for each of us. I'll admit my mouth watered at the sight when he handed me it, but I tried not to show it. Didn't eat it till the song was over anyway, because I was just too much into it.
Part of the movie went by with me giggling at the funny scenes, Eric just better snuggling me into him every time, chuckling too, yes, but not as much as I did. I guess that maybe it is a bit of a girly movie, but I love it.
"Do they really need to sing every two minutes?" Eric grumbled at some point and I giggled, sinking in his arms, wrapping mine around his torso.
"It's Disney, you silly. Of course they sing so much." I argued and he rolled his eyes, but cuddled me more nevertheless, especially as I giggled and placed a kiss on his cheek, just for the sake of it.
He chuckled when we reached the part where Anna wakes up. "Oh, so that's how you sleep?"
I blushed at that, but dissimulated it by lightly pinching his arm as I grumbled: "No, I don't." Not really convinced, though. Well, I don't exactly look nice when I sleep, I think. Not that when I'm awake I'm such a better sight, I think, but still ... there is a little different.
Seeing me frown, Eric raised my chin and pecked my lips, smiling. "I was kidding, princess. You're always gorgeous. No matter what." I blushed even more at that, lowering my glance as I hid my face in his chest a little, which rumbled with his laughter as he better hugged me but also held me almost at his eye level, so that he could easily reach my lips when I looked up at him and kiss me. Of course, I deepened it, soon feeling his hands on my hips, which had me yelp, because it felt ... more intense than usual, like he wanted ... well, more.
But maybe it's just me overthinking, as usual. He knows I'm not ready. And it's been a week only after all. So I relaxed and melted in his arms, letting mine wrap around his shoulders as he gently brought me closer to him.
"We're missing the movie." I mumbled against his lips, even if with my eyes closed. Eric smiled against my own lips, just deepening our kiss and leaning in, so much that I was about to fall back on the sofa. Therefore I managed to slip away, with the excuse of wanting to hear Anna's song for Elsa's coronation day. Just not to look like a panicked little kitten, I remained in his arms, just enough far to breathe properly while pretending to be focused on the movie.
Eric leaned in and nuzzled the back of my ear, his lips brushing that same spot as he spoke: "Sorry if I get carried away." His tone was very low. I pretended to be still watching the movie as he continued: "I don't want you to feel pressured, baby. It's just that I've been wanting you for so long that sometimes I am not able to stop." I still didn't reply and he nuzzled my neck some more. "You're not freaked out, are you? I just ..."
I turned around and cut him off with a kiss, a very light kiss that lasted only a few seconds, then I pulled back slightly, smiling, eyes still on his lips, especially as he looked so baffled. My ... he looks so cute when baffled ... it's like he forgets he's a badass for once and he just looks like a lovely boy. The lovely boy. The one I first saw years ago. That lovely boy that's been being the sweetest boyfriend I could ever think of since the beginning and he keeps on melting my heart with his sweetness. To the point that things are moving inside me and it's getting hard to shut feelings up, because they're madly racing to come to the surface and finally make me realized what I'm not ready for ... yet.
I know nothing about relationships and feelings in general, I just know that, having Eric beside me makes me truly happy, and that if he was to leave I would feel brokenhearted, because he's been not just building up a new me, making me feel more secure, just with him by my side, but he's also been opening up some secret treasure chest inside me, a chest that I'm afraid to peek in because I might already know what's in there and, like I said, I'm not ready for it yet.
But this relationship, despite being secret, despite being only a week long, it's making me feel alive as ever, like finally there is a sense to all of this, like ... like my life has a reason, like I don't just inhabit this world, but I am here for a reason, and that reason, as cheesy as it sounds, is making Eric happy. Or at least try to. That reason is being by his side and giving him my all, because he deserves it.
It scares me, yes, God, of course it does, but still ... I am not ready for it, not for that big word that scares everyone, not for its physical representation, but ... something deep inside tells me that I will be. With Eric, I will be. Soon enough. Because he's moving things inside me, things I never knew I could feel, he's making me feel completely new, like the Natalie I was before him was just an immature child, now this one is closer to the adults world and has the deepest and most concrete certainty that as long has he is by my side, I will only be fine.
Sure, he might hurt me, he said he might, after all, he is human, but, for some reason, I trust him enough to be sure that, one, he will never do it on purpose, two, it will never be something I can't get over.
All of this is moving incredibly fast and I feel dizzy, yes, but I told you, we were simply meant to be, the more I say that, the more I believe it. Eric and I were simply meant to be. It's like ... fate already had planned for us to end up here, on this sofa, snuggled up to each other, me staring into those wonderful blue eyes that every time that meet mine lose everything of that iciness I've always seen in them, like ... with me and just me he is free and natural.
We've experimented that, haven't we? I mean, during this week, he's always been, with everyone at school, the usual irascible bad boy everybody fears, but then, then we sneak out of lunch break and meet in the gym, and even if just a few moments later he's nearly threatened some guy, then I land in his arms and he becomes the sweetest boy ever existed.
It's like ... I'm his Betty Ross, the only one that can calm him down, the only he can't be Hulk with, the one and only with whom he is the Bruce Banner all the time. Yes, yes, I'm a nerd. Although, I gotta say it, maybe it's because he knows I don't like violence, but since we're together, he's been ... fighting less, I mean, I've even heard some guys wondering how comes that a whole week has passed without Eric sending someone to the infirmary.
Sinning of arrogance, I might even think that it's our relationship to do him so good. Well, that's a little plagiarized for a thought, I mean, Kyle told me just that the other day. He said he truly believes I'm doing good to Eric, because in only one week he seems a little ... more serene, happier, less troubled, like ... he still has his issues, but with me by his side he feels like he can face them.
Speaking of Kyle, he's been trying to be friends with my boyfriend, for my sake, he said, because we're friends and he doesn't want me and Eric to fight because of him, or me and him to fight because of Eric. I've been seeing him approach my boyfriend pretty often, Eric always looked pretty annoyed, but he did listen nevertheless, even though, I am pretty sure he did only because he could see me in the distance.
I have no idea what's the issue between them, but if for my sake they try to overcome it, then I'm glad. I guess that all it took was a motivation. I do crave to know what's exactly their reason to hate each other, though, and I would like to ask, but I can't, of course, Eric will tell me when he feels like it, just like with everything. I mean, I've decided I can't push him to talk. Like I made it clear to him on Monday, when we were in "The Place", as he calls it, whenever he feels like confiding, I'm here. After all, a girlfriend ought to be confidante too, right? I mean, it's not just about kissing and cuddling, it's also about sharing life, secrets, wishes, insecurities, hopes and everything.
I have never been the kind to confide so easily, sometimes not even Jamie knows everything that goes through my mind, but Eric ... I feel like I can tell him everything and he will understand me or at least try to. I feel like I can rely on him for real and ... well, yeah, trust him blindly. It's a refreshing feeling, you know. To be sure there is someone out there you can seriously rely on. To know that, maybe, after all, in this world you're not completely alone, that there is someone out there, outside of your family circle, that cares for you and intends on cherishing you and sharing his life with you. Someone that deems you so important, so valuable to decide he doesn't want anyone else but you.
My John Reese says in the end we're all alone, well, while I've always agreed, now I think we're not. There is someone. It is possible to find someone you can be absolutely sure about. Maybe it's just that he promised, but I know for a fact that, whatever happens, Eric will not leave me. Not entirely anyway. Well, my most vulnerable side reminds me that, it's a dangerous game I'm playing, because opening up my heart means giving him the chance to make me bleed, but somehow I know that Eric won't. Not voluntarily anyway. Yeah, I trust him. Blindly. And I want to shout it to the world. And you know what's crazy? That I know where I'm headed and I don't mind. Not at all. While I am not ready, I know I will be, soon enough. Soon enough I will get to that big, big word that starts with L.
"I am not freaked out." I confirmed, eyes half closed, leaning completely on him. Oh, the irony of how literal and figurative that is! I smiled softly, feeling like the world suddenly ceased existing because there was nothing else other than me and him on that sofa. The TV could keep going on its own, Anna and Hans could sing their song, I didn't care.
All I could see was Eric and his marvelous blue eyes looking at me with both bewilderment and anxiety mixed with joy. Just that. I could see him and just him. And I could feel his heart racing underneath my hand that was leaned on his chest, which made me grin, knowing it wasn't usual to cause such reactions in one like him, always so in control of his emotions.
"I am not ready now, but I will be. And, Eric, I may as well admit that, for how embarrassing that is to say, I am absolutely certain that I want to do it with you. Just ... not so soon." I admitted, then pecked his lips, although lingering in that kiss a bit more than due, mostly to give him the chance to deepen it, which he did, really gladly, so we found ourselves snuggled up to each other once more as we surrendered to that heavenly moment I had no will of letting go of.
Just as Elsa on TV sang her Let it go, my heart kept telling me the same. Let it go. Let feelings and everything go. Give yourself up to him. It's worth it. Absolutely worth it. That's what my heart kept chanting as every kiss got more intense and in the end, I was lying on the sofa, Eric hovering over me, but always gently, in fact I couldn't even feel his weight on me.
It was just me and him. Just us. Lying on that sofa while kissing as intensely as ever, my arms around his shoulders, hands raked through his hair, his arms around me, but without ever touching more than my hips or cheeks. Although at some point his hands did sleep beneath my top and I sort of yelped in his mouth, not because I didn't like it, but because his hands felt so warm on my bare skin, so comfortable, so ... right. Like those were the only hands I could ever accept on my body.
Eric seemed to realize what was he doing only when I emitted a low sound that resembled too much a moan when his hands slipped higher up to my sides, so, without moving away, he spoke inside my mouth: "Stop me when you want." He told me.
I smiled, knowing he meant he wouldn't go too further but needed this sort of connection between us, better said, he craved it, and ... well, so did I, even if I never knew I could. Yes, since he truly entered my life my thoughts have been tangled and all of those emotions confused me and in the end I came to acknowledge that I do feel attracted to him, therefore, even if it sort of scares me a little, there is that thought in the back of my mind, that very simple thought of having his hands on my body, touching my bare skin, both of us losing ourselves in ecstasy.
Now it was just a very first approach to it, and I believe that it's better this way. Before reaching the big step, it was better for me to get used to feeling his warm and large hands on my bare skin.
Soon enough, his lips moved to my neck, and I couldn't help but moan when he started nibbling on it, his fingers brushing my sides so gently that even though I knew he was forcing himself to remain there, it felt natural and, well, obviously amazing. He trailed kisses from my neck to my jaw and returned to my lips, claiming them as his, but just for a moment, because just as his hands slipped higher up, his lips returned to my neck. And when those same hands reached the spot right beneath my bra, the back of those barely brushing it, I yelped, feeling like we were so close to my sinful dream of a few weeks ago.
Probably thinking my yelping was a sign I didn't appreciate, Eric moved his hands down and left my neck, only to fix his blue eyes on my hazels, a sorry but also interrogative look etched on his gorgeous face, even though, what had me swallow hard, was noticing the darkening of those eyes and the dilating of his irises, which, as we were taught in sexual education class, was one sign of ... arousal.
You know what's funny? I always thought I'd be freaked out if I ever witnessed such clear physical desire in his eyes, but more than that, I was, one, flattered, then stunned and ... glad. After all, it meant he does feel attracted to me.
I was about to tell him not to worry, I was fine, but then I thought that actions would be better than words, so I just locked my lips with his, tangling our legs together, silently telling him to go on, I didn't mind that intimacy, dosed enough to feel good but not to make me feel like we were rushing things too much.
Eric seemed to pick up on my hint, because he soon deepened the kiss, his hands once more moving up my sides and, soon enough, his lips were back on my neck, making me, inevitably, moan and stir beneath him because I was starting to feel very odd emotions I have never ever felt before. Emotions that reached my lower region and I honestly had no idea what it was but I felt something moving down there.
And yet, for how much I was starting to feel overwhelmed, I didn't ask him to stop, actually, I only better entangled our legs, feeling my toes curl at the amazing sensation his lips were giving me. It was even more intense than when, ten days ago, he gave me a hickey. Even though, I'm pretty sure that little mark would be back on my skin at this point.
When his hands reached once more the portion of skin right beneath my bra, this time they dared travel a little higher up, so that I clearly felt the back of those brushing my breasts and, as something down, concerning our hot zones, moved, Eric groaned against my skin, breathing heavily.
"Tallie, stop me." He mumbled against my neck, continuing with his scorching moves that were enflaming my skin more and more, making me feel numb and yet overexcited, confused and yet happy, so tangled up in my emotions that I didn't pick up on his suggestion and he kept going, making me moan as he bit down on my neck and his hands traveled even higher up, reaching my breasts and cupping them, which had me tug on his hair, but only to get a grip on something as I moaned more.
Groaning some more too, Eric reminded me: "Baby, I might not be able to stop. You don't want me to keep going."
"I do." Oh, no. I said it out loud. I said it out loud! It was an unconscious thought my heart and body were agreeing with, but really I didn't meant to voice it. My emotions were so tangled up, I had no idea how to react. Because I knew we had to stop before going too far, and yet deep inside I didn't want to.
But I am not ready for that. And it's too soon. How comes only a few moments ago I yelped at his pervasive touch and now I was so eager to feel more and more of it? How comes I didn't feel ready for it and yet I had no will of stopping him? I didn't want to reach that stage, not just yet, but neither did I want him to stop, because what he was doing felt too much like bliss.
Eric pressed himself better against me and my eyes widened when I realized what it was that I'd felt moving down there. Oh, gosh. My mind rationally told me to stop him, but my hands dipped into his hair only pressed his head better against my neck as I moaned slightly louder, especially as his hands gently massaged my breasts from above my bra.
"Eric ..." I moaned and he groaned against my skin, once more pleading me to stop him before it was too late, silently implying he might lose control over his hormones and needs and he didn't want to freak me out, but I was losing that said control just as he overwhelmed my sense and power of will with his sensual and yet still gentle moves.
"Eric ... Eric, I ... I ..." I what? Eh. No idea. I was just blabbing nonsensically, moans being the most part of my words. He pressed even more against me, but this time I moaned louder, because I could so clearly feel that something that ought to scare me, against my thigh. I should be scared of it, because I am no ready. No way I am. And yet I couldn't hold back, I couldn't make myself say the magic word and stop him.
Eric moved his lips to mine as his hands made me feel shivers down my spine as they kept on massaging my boobs, squeezing them, gently and yet hungrily, that something in his jeans feeling harder against my thigh. All of this was not wrong, just ... out of place and too rushed. And yet I couldn't stop it.
In the end, it was Eric to do it: even if not effortlessly, he finally managed to pull back and slide his hands out of my top, but remaining still there, just embracing me, his arms possessively around me, our mouths only a few inches apart as we were both panting.
"You can feel it, can't you?" Eric asked me, lowly, almost ashamed, as he stared directly into my eyes, which I closed, nodding. "I'm sorry, baby, I ..."
"No, don't apologize. You don't have to."
I inhaled deeply, moving slightly, enough to shift on the sofa and be still lying, yes, but side by side, as I faced him, removing my hands from his hair to caress his cheek. "I-I should be the one to apologize." I commented lowly. "I-I'm making you hold back, but it's just that it's been a week only and ..."
"Tallie, I will wait. Be it a whole year. I don't care. Didn't I tell you that?"
I sighed, but only to gather up some strength and courage. "Yes, yes, I know, but ... you ..."
"Baby, I'm sorry if I pushed you. I just didn't know how to stop. It's ..." He sighed, lowering his head. "You have no idea what you do to me, princess. I ..."
"If what I make you feel is even only a half of what you made me feel just a few moments ago, then I can fully understand." I leaned my forehead on his, stroking his cheek. "Eric, I want to give you everything I can. Just ... not yet. I ... I-I am not ready ... yet." Even only feeling this odd moisture in my panties made me feel strange. Feeling his own arousal against my thighs didn't freak me out because I was in deep with his caresses and kisses.
Eric inhaled deeply and closed his eyes for a moment. "I should go." He told me, lips brushing mine.
Unconsciously, I gripped him, wrapping my arms around his torso as I leaned my head on his chest. "No, stay."
"Tallie, I ..."
He took a deep breath as he entangled his fingers in my hair. "Ok, but ... if you don't mind, I'd have to take a cold shower." My eyes snapped to him, confused, and he cracked a small smile, his other hand reaching for my cheek to caress it, his thumb stroking my skin as his lips grazed mine. "Believe me, baby, I need it."
He told me, at the same time bringing my face closer to his and pressing his below against my thigh, which made me yelp and finally realize what he meant. So, clearing my throat, I nodded against his head, but didn't move, just closed my eyes for a long moment. I wish I wasn't such a goody-goody. Maybe I'd know more about these things and would be able to face it without such awkwardness.
Slowly, I moved back and stood up, realizing, only when I touched my cheeks, that I was crimson, but the most troubling thing was the sudden ache between my thighs, that moisture that while calming down, didn't exactly go away and as Eric sat up on the sofa, I felt the urge to press my legs together. What exactly was I feeling? Could it be that I'm readier than I thought?
Eric grabbed my hand and made me turn around to look at him. "No awkwardness, ok?" I nodded without even thinking and he half smiled, but then glanced down at his crotch and blushed, which I did too when my eyes fell on there. There was a huge bulge in his jeans and rationally I knew perfectly what it was. Gee, it's simple biology after all, isn't it?
Forcing myself to look away, I inhaled deeply to regain control over myself and my emotions and hormones. Eric stood up and came in front of me, brushing my arms. "Hey ... I didn't mean to upset you. Sorry."
I shook my head and, just to act nonchalant, asked him if he still wanted to take a shower, to which he nervously chuckled as his eyes traveled to his crotch for a moment and then he cleared his throat: "Yeah, uh ... I think it's very much needed. Sorry, baby." I half smiled, just to tell him it was everything okay. Those are natural reactions after all, right?
I patiently waited, sitting on my bed, for Eric to come out of my bathroom. In truth, I didn't really want to stay there, because my naughty mind wanted to bring me to picture him in there as he showered and it was absolutely wrong. Even though ...
When he came out, his hair still damp, Eric came to me and kneeled in front of me, grabbing my hands. "Hey ... it's everything alright, isn't it?" I nodded, unable to talk.
What we did earlier, where we got to, it made me think ... I trust Eric entirely and I know I want to reach that step with him, but I've always thought it would take me months to be ready. Could it be that I was wrong and instead I am closer to it than I ever imagined?
Eric caressed my cheek gently and I couldn't help but smile. "There you go. That's how I want my princess. Smiling." He commented, doing the same, as he leaned his forehead on mine, his hand grabbing the back of my neck. "No awkwardness, ok?"
I shook my head. "It's ... a natural thing, isn't it?" I pointed out, half smiling, and Eric nodded, grinning crookedly. "It's what you do to me, baby."
I grinned as well, not really knowing why, and pecked his lips, just because they were there, so close. Eric deepened the kiss, but before we could take it too far once again, he pulled back and stood up, grabbing my hand to make me do the same, so that I fell into his chest and we giggled like children, but when I looked up at him, I saw an odd light reverberating in his eyes and a tender smile playing on his lips.
He caressed my cheek and leaned it, so that I unconsciously closed my eyes and parted my lips, for some reason smiling when he, as I expected, kissed me. It didn't take wrong before our kiss became once more too strong to be kept at bay and I unconsciously walked backwards, till I reached the edge of my bed and, tripping, I fell on it, Eric falling with me.
We didn't cease our kiss, just giggled together. He cupped both my cheeks as he deepened the kiss, but this time we were both dead set on keeping our control, and we did, because we soon pulled back, but remaining there to stare into each other's eyes, for how long, I have no idea.
In the end, we moved, but only to better settle on bed. We had still an hour more or less to spend together before Eric had to leave, according to the time my mother had given, so we turned on the TV that was on the shelf above my desk and I snuggled up to him as we settled for watching at least the beginning of some crappy comedy movie. Just to spend every minute possible together.
I felt as comfortable as ever in his arms like that, and more and more I got convinced that that was exactly my place, with me snuggled up to him, head resting on his chest, arm around his torso, just as his were around me while his fingers rubbed my arm up and down soothingly.
The comedy movie was really crappy, but we barely paid any attention to it, as lost as we were into our little tender moment and my heart swelled with untamable feelings that kept on growing and growing every moment I spent with Eric, but for as much as it unsettled me a little, it didn't scare me. Like I said, I knew where I was headed and I had no regret about it. Even if it was so early.
"Tallie?" Eric called as he nuzzled my temple.
"Mmh?" He smiled at my half asleep response. Yeah, I was starting to doze off, yes. Not my fault, his rubbing my arm up and down was too soothing and it just conciliated my sleep.
Eric neared my ear and whispered huskily: "I love you."