Some people say that it's a "gift" if you can have visions, and/or flashbacks of your childhood, but it's not so great in my point of view. You see I had a crappy childhood, some say abusive. But I try to move past it, trying to make as many good memories before I leave... The first flashback I had was... about let's see they started what, when I was 15/16 and I'm 18 so about 3-2 years. That doesn't seem a lot but when you have atleast 4 each month It's horrible.
I'm sitting in math class trying to force myself to focus. But to be fair no one can, after all it is the last week of school before summer vacation. But the reason why I can't focus... it's different, see I feel the tap-tap-tap in the back of my mind, it's like a warning.... That's it's going to happen, that I'm going to have a flashback. I try so hard to focus and distract myself from it but it doesn't work, my mind is overfilling with memories... I get sucked in. At first it's just blank, an empty space, but that's how they start.... They like start fading into a memory. It comes. I'm in the living room, just coming home from school. I might be 5-7 I'm calling out "I'm home!" I wait for a few minutes.... Nothing "like always.. no one here." " Guess no dinner either." I go into the kitchen and sit at the kitchen table starting homework but just then I hear the door, I go look in.... It's my father..... He's drunk.... As always. Oh no.
He saw me. I run into my room and lock the door..... I hear foot steps. He's banging on my door! I'm crying.... I don't want him to get me again I still have the bruises from last time. I hear the front door... It's my mom... I hear her coming towards my father, she's trying to stop him from entering my room... She grabs a plate from the table she left the night before... She hits him with it, she runs toward the room.... I hear my dad's foot steps getting further away from me, but closer to my mom "don't ever fucking do that again. DO YOU HEAR ME" i hear my father hitting my mom. I run out of my room, I wanted to help so badly... I wish I did something.
I can't help myself I start crying while I'm drifting out of the memory. I can't help it I'm crying so hard that the whole class looks at me. It's not the first time. Mrs. Morris comes over to me and rubs my arm while saying “ it's okay, shhh your parents are not here.” you see Mrs Morris isn't only my teacher in fact she's my foster mom. “ you want to go out in the hall- way and take a breather?” “ thank you.” I get up and start my way out of the door trying not to cry more than I already am, since the memory is so fresh it feels like I'm still there. I take a few breaths while walking around the halls. I go back to class after about 20 minutes of walking. when I go to open the door everyone's eyes go to me, I feel uneasy I look down while going about my day and wait until the bell rings telling me that I can get out of here and go home.
When I get home I go to my room and start to do homework, it's hard... Knowing these flashbacks won't stop. That my horrifying childhood will always be there in the back it my mind tearing me down at my brightest times. I start to remember the flashback from today when I hear a knock at the door "hey, sorry.... Just coming to tell you dinners ready." It's my mom " not hungry" I say, though my stomach growls I didn't have lunch today. I don't want to eat, I just got into the foster home a few days ago. Thier nice, they try to help even though they don't understand. Sometimes I just wish, wish that I had a normal life, just for a day... Though other times I wish I could just end it, end the flashbacks, end the truama.... End everything. Though everytime I think I'm going to do it... I think, I think about my friends and all the good foster homes I had and how many people I care, love and for the life of me don't want to hurt them. Sometimes I think I wish no one cared about me, so I wouldn't hurt anyone, but right after I think that I feel dumb I should be thankful bit wishing it away. Sometimes I wish I did it young. Where no one did. Though I'd I did I would have met any of my friends today or all the people in my life that made it so much better, helped me though the dark times.
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