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God Bless AmeriKKKa

God bless the land of milk and honey that is the United States. As a citizen of – I think they call it – the “land of the free” and “home of the brave”, I just wanted to take the time to tell you about the place I’m (un)fortunate to call home. I think you’d be very interested and maybe even want to move here.

For starters, we have the largest and most powerful standing military ever assembled. Never mind that it came at the expense of our more important programs like healthcare, education, and infrastructure. Never mind the fact that our roads are falling apart, or that people would rather kill themselves than suffer under our abhorrent pharmaceutical industry, or that our children are unable to obtain a formal education due to how difficult and expensive it is. We need our military to be strong and protect us from…oh.

Then there’s our global dominance in sports. Oh, wait. I forgot, sports facilities have massive amounts of upkeep, and none of the revenue from games seems to make its way back to the communities that spend their money – their hard-earned money – to go to them. And don’t even get me started on the absolute human atrocity that is college athletics, or interscholastic athletics in general. Explaining that to you, now you’ve got something that’ll raise my blood pressure.

America prides itself on being the “melting pot of the world”. That is, if you turn a blind eye to all the racism, sexism, and inequality that has run rampant in this country since the day it was founded. In reality, old rich white men rule this country. However, I’ll give it to ’em. They’re smart; they aren’t blunt about it. Instead, they do their dirty work behind the scenes. They give you the idea – this illusion – that you’re free, that you have a choice. Democracy is the best dictatorship, because why choke your country into submission – wasting all your time and energy – when you can just have your citizens do it to themselves and each other.

Give them the idea that, if your skin tone is lighter, you’re better. Give them the idea that a person is beneath you if they have a darker skin tone than you do. Or, that they’re worthless and deserve less.

Let me go into more detail. Those with darker skin tones are treated and paid unfairly in the United States. They don’t have access to the same kind of healthcare or education or opportunity as their lighter-skinned counterparts. If they do, they’re cast out. They’re brushed off, kicked to the curb and left to die, and the children will be set up to fail and continue the vicious cycle of poverty that plagues the community.

The justice system can’t save you if something goes wrong, because it’ll be turned against you. They’ll find any reason to arrest you, and they’ll come up with any excuse to kill you. The neighbors will snitch on you like they’re getting paid, because the only place they see you is in a cage. And speaking of cages, the United States has the highest rate of incarceration in the world, and most of them incarcerated have a dark skin tone.

Sucks, right? But at least – the very least – we have an impeccable entertainment industry. Wait, wait, hold on just a minute! That isn’t safe from scrutiny either! A majority of the country’s beloved actors and musicians, along with their handlers (yes, I meant that) are into shagging kids! Hidden deep underneath the glitz and glamour of Hollywood is a large pedophilia ring, and they really don’t want anyone going and telling anything about it. Those that try to get the truth out are either ostracized or assassinated, or both. Unoriginality and dumbed down mass appeal are the least of your worries.

Okay, I said enough, I think. The United States (if I can call it that, because it’s anything but) is quite an interesting place. So, after everything I said, are you still thinking of moving there?

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