Imperfect Words

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Imperfect Words - A glimpse into the mind of an overthinking youth "A title and subscript which very much reflected the way in which I defined myself throughout much of my early adolescence, as imperfect as the words which I able to produce" This collection of writings acted almost as a journal of emotional growth in the earlier of my teenage years, an inanimate friend to turn to in hardship and a repository for secretive thoughts. Shared in the hope that in some small way, words from the mind of a naive, world-ignorant adolescent either resonate, or perhaps incite some pensive reflection.

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A Person

Judgment is passed almost instantaneous with your arrival to a room. They look, they stare, they see, they judge. A human race advanced by emotion and driven by desires has become one that can literally destroy a person with a stare. People anger over the vain and self-conscious, but we seem all to capable of believing we have people all figured out in a glance. A weirdo, a loner, lazy and fat. Appearance seems to now be what defines the human race. We fashion groups and model stereotypes, we order, arrange and categorize each other, simply on the basis of outward appearance. We show a complete disregard for circumstance, and a total lack of care...
Society is like a wave, which ebbs and flows at an alarming fast rate, with people clambering and disregarding others in their plight to be accepted. With no one willing to stand out knowing that the chances of them breaking away are far less than them being crushed by the wave itself. We have all become happy to follow in the footsteps of others, in an unattainable pursuit for acceptance. Working to improve others opinion of you, there are very few worse ways to spend a life. Therefore, no one is prepared to take a leap of faith of pitch their own thoughts to the masses, because for some, the idea of failing within today’s society, if far worse than death.

A Feeling

Life has only enough room for a choice few, but one will always be far above the rest. Obviously exceptional, the connection with them appears once a lifetime and is difficult to find but is one that could endure an eternity. Valiantly those without it search, all hoping for it and even when most think they’ve found it all that really exists is the delusion of infatuation. Everyone looks for it in its purest form, whilst some let it pass unbeknownst to them in an instant where it will never appear again, others see it snatched away in cruel moments of agony… (The starts of sentences)
“Don’t expect life to find you, chase your feelings and let your passions bare, but only to those who are deserving of them.”

A Meaning

Questions of who are we? Why are we here? What are we for? These have stumped people for hundreds of years. But what if these are the wrong questions to be asking. What if defining our purpose simply is our purpose and with that achieved, we are left unhinged, like a working man with no work. What if these questions simply don’t have answers, why does there have to be a greater force behind “us”, can we not be the greatness that created ourselves? Searches for higher beings are elusive and have driven many a man to madness, as any search for something that does not exist would. This statement doesn’t denounce a god or belittle a higher being but simply says that belief should be based on evidence and the associations that represent the evidence for these beings are far less than reputable.

“Putting on a brave face and hiding your feelings in the lowest crevices of your personality doesn’t make anything better”

A Balance

We struggle, we endure, we survive. Ultimately hardship comes and goes with some feeling its effects far more than others. Reactions to these events determine who you are as a person, do your struggles have a ripple effect, sending out waves akin to a rock dropped in still water. Breaking the balance in both the context of water and social communities that is held so tensely, builds slowly and can be shattered in an instant. The balance with those around you, however, can never take priority over that in your life. We are complex beings and understanding yourself is a journey that is never complete. You will always be able to surprise, disappoint or excite yourself but it is all part of growth, of self-enlightenment. Achieving harmony throughout these experiences is a difficult process and often leads to battles with the demons of the mind. Doubt and fear creep in, apparitions of the mind that are designed to incite negative feelings where none should exist. Finding someone or something that sets a mind at ease is dealing with these problems in the best way. Because within a tranquil, empty mind there are no crevices for hate or anxiety to hide, and perfect tranquillity can only ever be achieved through a careful balance...

“Hope rises when the silence dies; sometimes the ability to talk with someone who cares is all that the mind needs to be put at ease”

A Living

The system was made by the people, for the people. But what can be done now that the system once made to benefit the many, only serves the interests of the few. We are born into a lifestyle made to work for those who say they work for us, but all they really work for is their own massive pay cheques and bank balances. We are steered and controlled like sheep, into the conformity of the society and held back from what we are told is beyond it. What if we could change the system? What if beyond the uniformity of our lifestyle there was something more than the abyss? But a change to a system requires a change in power, or a change from those in power. Because as a population, we don’t live for work, we live for the moments in between when we actually are living. We sacrifice, we spend, and we live for a system that we are told will be there for us. And when our efforts are finished and reaping rewards begins, the realization dawns that these rewards don’t actually exist. So, we just continue to function, in a powerless cycle where we assume change will come about, without actually trying to make it happen. When we place faith in a world which promises so much but delivers so little, life becomes more of a struggle than the experience that it should really be, because man created money, and money has become more important in life than life itself.

A Challenge

Lift yourself higher, because when all your support is gone all you have is your own two arms to lift yourself off the ground. Pick yourself back up; adversity is only a challenge if you face it and only an achievement when you overcome it. The scratches heal as do the scars inside your mind and what remains is the experience, the fulfillment of having reached a point where you are happy. And you should be forced to push yourself beyond your limits to get there, because an achievement is nothing without a journey. Some see it as obsession, an illness of sorts but to those who are motivated, it is simply a lifestyle. A never-ending cycle of work must be righteous, arising from your desire to better yourself, not for the gratifying opinions of others. They must be an afterthought, in a pursuit which can never end, for chasing a dream, a real dream, cannot only be a beginning, but also a cruel and swift end. A dream requires a drive, one that is strong enough to brush away doubt, face hardship and collect ‘experiences’, not failures. Only then can true achievement be made, for a man with glory but no tale to tell is no real man at all. “Dreams are not to be taken lightly, for they can take you places far beyond what even your imagination thought possible”

Happiness to those who deserve it but cannot find it, that is fulfillment of life in such a way that cannot be properly gratified. So do not show jealousy for those who have it all, because “all” is not everything. Those with nothing but still their happiness, they are the ones with everything. Care for your happiness like a fire, never let it dwindle and invite others to share it. After all, life is far too short to simply hide your emotions in fear of how they may be received by others.
“The closer you get to something the more perspective you lose on it. Sometimes taking a step backwards may be the only way to find the thing you are searching for.”

A Delusion

We want truth, we want purpose, we want to mean as much to someone as they mean to us. We want love, and joy, to live through the highs and endure the lows. The truth is that these highs for some are few and far between. We combat the lows with creations of the mind. Battling demons with delusions, delusions of grandeur, of love, hope and happiness of an existence worth more than what they have. These illusions are unattainable, unrealistic but for many, vital to them making it through the day. The problem is when the delusion becomes more than something, it becomes everything. And when reality hits, the lows become worse than ever and the fight with inner demons is a battle in which there is only a single result. A downwards spiral of self-destruction ensues which left unchecked has the power to break a person to the point where they believe their only option is the end of the experience that we label “life”...

A Thought

I take great solace in the knowledge that I can empty my mind into the form of writing. The mind is a beautiful thing, but a burdened mind eats away at the conscience, leaving a person less than they were before. They become, hollowed, colder, more cautious and less, in almost every way. An experience that damages the mind is worse than any physical wound. Invisibly, silent people can be driven to psychosis and become their own worst enemy. The mind can be likened to a glass, able to be filled, not infinitely but only ever to certain extent. Easy to shatter, so easy in fact that singular events; a touch, a word, a thought, an image can be the beginning of a pathological tendencies and a battle invisible to the eye. It becomes a psychological war of thoughts, of emotions, of self-worth pitted against a person’s doubts, fears and failures. The mind is to be admired and can be your strongest asset, but it can also so easily be your undoing.

A Pursuit

“A stop to the pursuit of perfection allows you to forget your imperfections.”

The memories which tend to cling in the mind are the failures, the missed opportunities and the hopes forever lost. The best of us tends to fade into the abyss of our minds. We don’t cling to what we were and what we’ve done, instead we only see the ever present could’ve and should’ve moments in our past. We choose, because there is invariably a choice, to pollute our minds with not only our own disappointments but the lasting impression of everyone else is more often than not, the memories of them in their worst moments. Because just as our failures seem to aide in our ability to define ourselves, the failures of others can become how we define them. In amongst, a sea of calm blue water the waves are always the things that stand out. Because routine demands that inconsistencies in the system are the things we acknowledge. The waves are the moments of turbulence in human interactions, the fights, the disappointments, the letdowns. And because happiness doesn’t force goodbyes, we seemingly subconsciously destroy relationships to create that reason, not because an issue exists but simply it seems as a part of human nature. We are beings designed to comfort each other and band together, but even love can’t last forever.

A Lie

Protection. This is the truth behind almost all the lies we tell. While our motives differ, from serving personal agendas, to saving face for a friend our lies are based upon a somewhat convoluted desire to protect. However ill-considered or self-serving a situation appears, the basis of acting to shield oneself in some fashion is always evident. So how then, are lies of malice different from those which act outside of the best interest of the liar? Sacrifice. A willingness to endure consequences for the goal not of self-preservation, but to afford another some protection. The act itself is never truly condoned, for even the most unpleasant of truths can be easier to bear than a broken act of dishonesty. In avoidance or confrontation, the mind becomes weary with every imagined possibility, all negative consequences and is weighted by fear and guilt. To induce pain with a truth, or to allow another to live unknowing of a harsh reality. Because in the end, everyone lies eventually, it’s who we are lying for that truly decides the ease at which we can maintain a clear conscience.

A Liar

“Why crave the truth, when so easily we then allow ourselves to be manipulated by lies?”

People who don’t dwell upon guilt and admit their own misgivings, never truly cared in the first place. Yet, these are often the people whose misdeeds we forgive and offer a second chance to. We reach out to those who feign concern and care and offer us hope because in moments of suffering, hope outweighs any semblance of rationality. We let ourselves falter, in an effort to preserve ‘the way things are’ because the human condition is one that resents change and seems to fight it beyond reasonable measure. Morals broken and logical thoughts long since passed, we become willing to accept false promises and sweetened words as gospel, not because we should but because caring too much is a weakness that is all too often exploited. We allow our emotions to muddy pristine waters and obscure the clarity that truth provides, knowing that if we obscure it enough, we may blind ourselves to it. Simply because the alternative is to admit that the person, we thought we could trust the most, truly couldn’t have cared any less.

A Picture

The lines become blurred, and the picture begins to go fuzzy. An image that was once black and white is sprayed with colour, the clarity of the picture is quickly disturbed. The reaction to change is as human nature intended, to fear, to push, but never to accept. So, when these new colours change the scene that we name our lives, we naturally pull away, in fear or confusion. That a world which once seemed so simple, devoid of all tone, can be made so complex with the addition of a single new hue, is the truest celebration of the intricacy of the human character. Yet the addition of the single colour brings with it, moments of indescribable bliss. A smudge, a scar. A drip, a tear. An eventual fade back to the blackness, the emptiness, a void where someone close once was but no longer is.

As the colours begin to create a scene all we begin to see are the holes and imperfections. All that we have made and all that we are is not enough when blemished by even a single flaw. Eyes have become trained to find these flaws, and fixate upon them allowing the slightest stain to define the image. Whether they be your own eyes, as an artist views their artworks, or the eyes of others as they pass judgement upon what is inevitably a work in progress.

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