Broken

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God's will

Baby J had been an answer to my prayers. I wanted another baby so badly but without a producing father, it was out of the question.

My sister needed to get rid of another child. She had two living with someone else. One baby had already been miscarried (her words) or killed off (my brother's words). The moment I agreed to take Baby J as my child, I set off to pray for my broken sister and her broken children. I was a broken person, but I was mending small bits all the time. I prayed for God's protection for my little one. I prayed for restoration in our lives through his birth.

Despite my gut-wrenching desire that my second baby be a girl, I had no question that this baby was a boy. Micheal and I toyed with what to name a baby who is not really yours while I also naming the baby to be yours. Jackson was my granny's maiden name. Our first little had been named a paternal name. Our second little had been named with a joint family name. Our third little would be named a maternally inspired name and one that would carry great honor.

I was actually at a youth conference with the group of kids I taught in Sunday School when we settled on the name. We were in worship service and I was praising my Lord for so many great things that were in my life, when I heard the name of our next speaker named Jackson.

Jackson's mother was on her deathbed when she disclosed to him that she went to an abortion clinic to get rid of him. She already had too many mouths to feed. Her husband had left town at the announcement of another pregnancy. But she couldn't follow through because she just knew he would be special and that God would use him.

Micheal elbowed me. It wasn't the first time we had shared a thought. And it was not the first time that God had sent a clear message to us about our next baby.

Settled on Jackson, we picked the middle name maintain the family tradition to begin it with an L. Levi, the biblical name for the group of chosen people who were the priests of God, came quickly.

I started a journal to my new baby. I talked to my closest friends, only, about a new baby that we were adopting. Nearly two weeks before that dreadful phone call, we told our littles that a new baby was on the way. We told them that the mother could not keep him and that we wanted him dearly. And why wouldn't I want to adopt since I was adopted myself?

God's will is always best. AND DON'T EVER SAY THAT TO SOMEONE WHO IS HURTING (along with "Everything happens for a reason").

I think it is the meanest, cruelest, fattest and most horrible lie you can offer at that time.

God's will IS always best. He is good. He is kind. He is full of love. He is perfect. He remains in all time, and is outside of time, too. He is the beginning and the ending of it all. He is not human, so He does not change His mind. He is very intentional with every decree and decision.

So, God did not fashion my Jackson with infinite details inside the womb so that He could kill that baby later and crush my soul. Killing babies is not God's will. Wasting time making humans is not God's will. Unwanted pregnancies are not God's will. (I have a super-long list that goes here, but I shall refrain.) Breaking mothers' hearts is not God's will.

God's will was the my sister would be in a loving marriage and provide excellent mothering to her children. Wait...God's will was that my sister would not be broken. Wait...God's will was that my mother would never be a broken person.

God's perfect fill toppled down like that train of dominoes we so eagerly build when we are younger. At the moment that Adam and Eve sinned, God has been recreating his will to compensate for what we have done to ruin it.

God's will is always best. Don't distort or dishonor God by giving Him credit for ugliness and evil.

I don't know God's will, but I know His methods. He uses everything for His good for those who love Him and seek His purpose. He made the mountains. Walked on water. Calmed seas with just words. He can sweat out drops of blood. He can love the unloveable. He can raise the dead back to live even when they've been in the grave for 4 days. He also can pay the price to ransom me from my own punishment. Wherever God is (which is everywhere and nowhere at the same time and not confined by time), He is doing good even when we can't see all the threads He is weaving.

Jesus' mother, Mary, stood at the foot of the cross and peered upward at her tortured son. He had been beaten and embarrassingly removed from his clothes. In mockery, a sign bearing his title, "King of the Jews" was scrawled above the"crown" of thorns once it was pushed onto his head. She watched her first little labor to breath, struggle desperately to push up with this feet on the tiny ledge while he pulled with every bit of might using his arms that were held tightly by nails punctured at the crux of his wrist. All that work to barely inhale. She saw his pain. And I know she sobbed...that gut-wrenching hurt had to have bellowed from her soul, even if it never made an audible sound from her mouth.

And that was God's will for cleaning up the first mess we had made when we started sinning in the Garden of Eden.

I'm sure Mary saw no joy that day. I'm sure that in the truth of what she faced, she may have questioned if this was God's will. I wish there was a book in the bible from her so I could know how she handled such grief and anguish while also clinging to threads of hope that she knew God had given to her before she had even conceived her majestic and holy baby.

So, God's will IS BEST, but that should never be given in the shadows of pain...for you are implying some very hurtful and nasty lies about what caused that pain. It was not God.

Jackson Levi's out-of-wedlock, unwanted conception was not God's will. But He is always working for the good. So, He had started weaving something beautiful out of my sister's mistakes that came from her brokenness...and to heal some of my brokenness.

When people said to me during this mourning time that God knows best, or that everything happens for a reason, they were telling me that God intended to rip out a part of my heart for absolutely no real reason. They were telling me that Jackson was not part of God's will and that him being dead...dumped in a bin labeled medical waste...was best.

If that was truly God's best, I decided that I wanted nothing more to do with God. I tried to think of Mary, but I didn't have it in me.

One of my friends who had just miscarried two months prior wrote in a card to me after Jackson's death. "You will feel lots of things during this time, but cling to what you know about God. Don't get lost in emotions" I wasted the next 6 months of my life feeling lots things. I left God at the moment that someone said, "Well, God's will is best."

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