A New Grammar
Psychologists will tell you that crying is cathartic. It serves as a bridge from pain toward release. Psychologists can say whatever they want. I've cried before and I've cried since. THAT moment was the ending and beginning of my life. It was the day when I stopped hating. It was the day that my Savior showed up in a real way to become a living part of my soul.
I did wake up that morning (thankfully for you because otherwise a ghost is writing this). And the hate was gone.
I did not hate anymore. I could think of the sexual abuse and just acknowledge it. I didn’t hate my stepdad anymore. And I kept hearing that voice, “It’s not for nothing.”
Grammar police, take a beat. I see the double-negative. Talk to God. He said it.
I am a broken person. I can recognize a broken person quickly and often pinpoint what action broke them most. God sent me into the education field to become a teacher because He knew I would SEE the brokenness. He took every bit of my life and every thread of abuse and grew empathy, a connection of understanding and acceptance of other broken people. I just love them and comfort them the best that I can.
So I speak with a new grammar now. My life is not for nothing. I am doing a good work...
But I had some detours and stops to make along the way.
By the time my precious blessing of a son arrived into my life, I was diligently working to be a good mother. I had not really seen any good mothers. Good mothers did not let their daughters play with a girl from a home like mine. I did, though, have good grandmothers. I also had an arch-type mother and she would serve to guide me in the "Rules of Motherhood" with the reoccurring theme of Do the opposite of everything your crappy mother did.
#1. Your child should be with you. I did not ever leave my son anywhere (unless he requested it) if he could possibly be with me. He could stay with family, but only if he was welcoming to it. Babysitters were only for necessity. This equated to me driving across town to pick my son up from a babysitter just to backtrack to the store for grocery shopping. A bad mom would just leave him at the sitter because it made shopping easier. I was not a bad mother. So he went with me everywhere, even so far as to attend college classes with me because he didn't want to go to daycare. Once we came to the understanding that he could not talk, he must be as quiet as possible, he could stay. If he made noise or talked, he would have to go to daycare.
#2. A child is a tiny human, not a sub-human who is less important than adults. I acknowledged my son's feelings and listened to his explanations of his behaviors. I asked for and listened to his opinions. We negotiated with guidelines and boundaries. I let him have his say as long as he was respectful. I taught him rules as patiently as possible. I was completely honest with him, at all times, with a softening filter always applied. This good motherly behavior led to tiny human equality. When the three of us went out to eat, our son got an equal vote on where we would go. When Micheal and I sat on the couch, our tiny human sat between us because he needed to sit by both of us. He learned that he mattered. In fact, he learned that he mattered to me more than his dad mattered. He learned that he was the most important thing in our family.
#3. Little siblings can ruin big siblings' lives. I was not afraid to have another child; in truth, I wanted my first child to have a lifelong confidant and friend. After his father and I were gone, I wanted him to have someone who would be on his side and love him. So a new little boy would come to our lives.
A new grammar was spoken...NO!