I watched absentmindedly as a man I assumed to be in his early twenties was being escorted by the wardens. He was visibly indifferent with an unusual sense of pride and I guessed in my head how long it would take for him to break. Not long, I supposed. For people like us who have been here long enough, we know what prison life does to a man. You first come in with an unexplainable hope and then you break down after the next couple of years. The smarter ones learn to accept their fate earlier than others but unfortunately I wasn't smart
It took me ten years in prison to realize that there was no going back and I was lucky to find Jesus within that time.
Nowadays I just look forward to quiet hours when I can study and weekends when my daughter would come to pay me her usual visit. She was the only one I could live for and the hope I held on to when I first walked through the lonely corridors of this facility. I wasn't lonely then though- I was escorted by two wardens who had no problems voicing out the disgust they felt for me and letting me know how sick my very existence made them feel.
They were white men and from my experience with the white man, I didn't blame them for their disposition towards me. It was the natural order of things. You do the crime, you do the time, but when you murder a multi millionaire in cold blood, your remaining time -no matter how short it is -is made as miserable as the law can permit before you are finally taken care of.
I sometimes think fondly to the day of my final exit and I wonder if my daughter would shed a tear for me, if she would spit on my dead body with the same disgust with which she looks at me every Saturday when she pays me her customary visits.
I felt elated when Mich-her boyfriend-managed to convince her to make her visits regular and although she loathes having anything to do with me, I always pray for her heart to be touched, for her to see reason.
I have nightmares every other night where I relive the murder I committed, sometimes with me as the victim and Eva-my daughter- the murderer or with me as the killer and Janet the innocent victim.
Janet was my wife. It wasn't legal but I made our union as formal as possible, considering the circumstances.
I often dream about the afterlife.
Janet would be no doubt in paradise and I sincerely hoped to join her and I often wondered if I would be welcome there. Yes, I killed a man but I have never regretted it.