Recap + Love
Entry Two: Recap + Love
(I don’t know how this fits in, but I’m currently writing this on my laptop without my glasses - those who wear glasses 24/7 know the struggle.)
Okay so ignore the setup I kinda laid out for y’all in the last entry (hats off to you if you understood a word of what I said, if you didn’t well that’s okay because I’m going to re-explain everything, and lay at a kinda new setup). Okay so like I said in the last entry, this “diary” (rather it’s more of a project) will be lazy, weird, and random writing (as the title, and the description suggests). Essentially this is what I hope will be the layout of this diary. In each entry, I will talk about a topic, my thoughts on it (obviously), and my experience concerning said topic (which I will count as me publishing bits and pieces of my life - I’m actually just publishing my personality). But this is lazy writing, and me showing the world (for some unknown reason) my laziness. So today I might say that this is going to be plan, and tomorrow I might end up (most likely) ditching it. The only thing that will stay consistent throughout this diary, is the lazy writing, the weirdness of everything (aka me), and the randomness of everything (also me). So don’t have any expectations.
Before I properly start this diary, I would like to make a statement. I hope that this book brings laughter to all those who are feeling down and lost, and don’t know what to do with their lives. I’m in the same boat as you, but hopefully this project can gives us some sense of direction for our lives. Hang in there!
So, love. I’ve read soooooooooooooooooo many romcom books, and they all suck! They suck in the sense that they all are the same story. Boy meets girl, girl meets boy, they fall in love, then they can’t because of something or someone, but towards the end boy runs after girl, tells her he loves her, and then they get married, and live happily ever freaking after. The only romantic comedy book that I actually liked was Too Good To Be True by Kristin Higgins. You should check it out. Anyways, even though I self-profess my “hatred” (hatred in that there is no originality to each and every story that is of the romcom genre) for said books, it wasn’t until recently that I’ve discovered that I am a romantic. And I doNOT want to be a romantic. And look, before you judge me, I consider myself to be optimistic, but I am not a fictionalist (yep I just invented a word, boom!). These books essentially paint a picture of an unrealistic level of romance. Very RARE are these stories based off of, or inspired by reality. So sorry romcom books don’t get my hopes up high, for the perfect person, for the perfect relationship, for the perfect obstacles to said relationship. You know what I want? I want a story where the boy and the girl, towards the end don’t get together. Because, realistically said boy, and said girl are not only just flawed (I forgot the thought so, I’m gonna keep this line in, because this is..... LAZY writing , like you guessed it - just expect more lazy writing writing.) So what were we talking about? (I’ve been away for about 2, 3 days so... yeah.) Love, yep. I was talking about how even though I read a tonne load of romantic comedy books, I hate the story. But yeah, the main point that I wanted to drive is, I am a romantic because of these books. And not only have I been influenced by romantic books, but also I have been influenced by today’s social media when it comes to love, and life. Many times I find myself dreaming about my knight in shinning armor, and talking about it - I talk a LOT about love, and my future husband, and I really shouldn’t. Why? Because, marriage, and romantic love might not be in the cards for me. I really should focus on myself, and more importantly be happy with what I have now, with where I am now. And lately, thank God, I have been taking the right steps to improving my mentality, my thought process, and re-organizing my priorities in the right order (me, my health above everything else.) Also, lately and thank God I’ve started to sober up, and not only notice things but take action to solve my struggles. Anyways, I’ve gotten off track, kinda. I guess you can argue I’m talking about self-love, so still the same topic. Anyways, let’s get to the second aspect of today’s entry, my experiences.
Okay, so I’ve talked about becoming a romantic. I guess all of this really started towards my second half of senior year. I developed a crush on my friend’s twin brother, and I (through her) told him that I was interested, even though we would graduate and I would be leaving our city for uni. So, if you ask me why would I tell him or pursue him even though nothing essentially would have happened, I don’t know what I would have told you. He was my first crush ever. And honestly I don’t know what attracted me to him, because even by my standards I didn’t find him drop dead gorgeous, but I did find him nice-looking. Anyways, long story short, he rejected me. Still friends with his sister, if you’re wondering. The second time, I experienced “love,” or rather experienced attraction was in uni. I’m not gonna go into the details, because I was an absolute idiot around him, and looking back on it, I kinda feel ashamed how I acted around him. So, yeah what had happened was I found out from the beginning that he had a girlfriend. Why was I attracted to him, because he was handsome and older then me by four years (the perfect age gap for me), and I don’t know, I just was. Between me and y’all, I happy I don’t have to meet him again, because of this pandemic so universities are locked down. So, these are the only experiences I have with love. But they’re not love, at least not to me. They were essentially just intense feelings of desire. But I’m over them now, and focusing on being happy. So, I guess this is it for this entry. Yeah, I don’t know why I started with love, it’s not like I have experienced in this field, and honestly I hope my only experience will only ever be this: my first kiss shared with my husband - my first and only love.