This is me
Well here I am again staring into the black abyss that engulfs my room letting all my thoughts race through my head. As quickly as one thought comes another pushes it to the side rearing it's ugly head .Any fears or thoughts of the past this is the moment when they all appear clouding my mind leaving me to deal with sleepless nights , everyone is starting to worry about me ,I'm not sure what to tell them it's hard to let the most important people know how you are struggling . Hours tick by as all the thoughts rush round my head like a tornado picking up everything i try to keep away and throwing them out at me each memory ricocheting around my chaotic mind. It's finally morning and my body was like haha no I want at least an hour of sleep which what do you know that's exactly what I got before my sister nocked on my door I sat there thinking about how much we had been through , Lola was the only family I had left now . She's getting angry the air heavy with tension now pounding on my door I slugged my self out of bed and opened my door " what do you want Lola?" I said rather tired " we have no food tazmin" she exclaimed I mentally kicked myself knowing I should have gone to the store yesterday " oh shit lola I forgot I'll make it up to you if you go get changed we will go shopping and then get lunch" I look at her with an apologetic look waiting for an answer "fine" she said rolling her eyes her frustration rolling off her body in waves " the food better be good" she sauntered away to her room the opposite side of the hallway I release a heavy sigh as soon as I hear her door slam shut . Closing my door I rush to find clothes and at least put a little bit of makeup on before we leave I throw on some joggers and a crop top grabbing my shoes I slip them on whilst yanking my hair into a messy bun I grab my car keys and went to the living room five minuets later Lola came down and said "we ready then?" I look at her and said "yep come on then princess u can have the aux cord" she ran to the car her previous sour mood being lifted, she doesn't get to take control often I shake my head and lock the door .
4 of lolas questionable songs later we reached the grocery store . We grabbed a shopping cart and started browsing the shelves , "so you looking forward for your first day of college tomorrow?" she hesitantly answered " yeah I guess so" pausing I observed her for a few minuets before asking why, I had an idea as to why but i wanted to let her confide in me. " I'm just nervous what if i don't make friends taz I don't want to be on my own or for my only friend to be my sister" she looked to the floor after saying this " hey I'm not that bad" I exclaimed winking at her showing I was playing a smile appears on her face as she nudges me after hours of grabbing enough food for a few weeks and extra snacks for college she then looks at me and says "what about you though are you ready to go back for another year after the last two I know you struggled" I grimace at the thought of answering that. Don't get me wrong I love the course I'm on it's just some of the girls in class who make it hell and have done for two years, last year I had to take a break I couldn't take it anymore the pressure too much to handle luckily my teacher let me finish the year at home it was classed as a mental health break apparently so I'm back this year to finish so I can do what I dreamt of since I was a little girl ,realising I hadn't answered I quickly said " yeah I'll be okay ,I just have to get through this year then I can become a proper photographer" she smiled knowing I was keeping it short and simple her stomach growled " the angry Russian man in my stomach is getting grumpy tazmin can we go pay?" laughing whilst shaking my head I said "yeah come on then" finally back in the car on the way to town square for lunch we listened to more of lolas songs . We decided to go to McDonald's to eat although now I wished we picked somewhere else finding a parking space was a pain in the ass ,finally in the restaurant we plopped down in a free booth and got the food delivered to the table I don't like talking to the lady behind the till it's a situation I'd rather avoid after we ate all our food we decided to head home . By time we got home we had decided a movie night was a good idea to get rid of nerves .I was in the middle of putting the popcorn in the microwave when my phone started ringing I answer slightly annoyed by whoever had decided to call this late, without knowing who the unknown number is I wait for a voice to explain why they had bothered me "hello" said a rough slurring voice ,shit I thought not again how has he got my number again and he's drunk . " what the flying fuck do you want" i said trying to keep my voice down so Lola wouldn't hear " that's no way to talk to your father you bitch" as the insult reaches my ears my brain has already thought of five ways to make him disappear, my blood boils and I have to take the phone away from my ear to collect myself " father you are no father to me nor to Lola or Nicki how can you call your self that when you know what you did" the aggression in my voice evident .there was a brief pause as if he was thinking about how to respond " I did it because you all deserved it especially you ,always getting In my fucking way and always trying to protect them brats" he said bitterly I listened to those words and even though he'd said them countless times before nothing would stop my heart from pounding, I ground my teeth together absentmindedly unsure what words would fly out my mouth. I hear the door creak open it was Lola I quickly hung up the phone ending the conversation "who was that" she asked quickly seeing my anger filled eyes "Um no one it's just one of them cold callers lets get to that movie now .