Little Book of a Forgotten Lover

Poems

Little book of a forgotten lover

**

Malleable

A thought believed itself to be light

Everything in the space in between darkness and dust and the glorious awakening - an Idea

Believed itself to be magical, conceivable of an inconceivable magic

Acquiescent no longer to impractical definition found in a dictionary of self-defining turned self-defying and grew.

**

I was born an island

I was born an ocean

I was born the in between of your thoughts and your tongue, insufficient

But everything to you I was

Beyond perfection, beyond the taste of water on perched lips

Beyond the touch of an exiled lover

Beyond you

Sufficient

Everything I became through your touch

Then you took it away

A mountain I become , hardship and rock, barren and empty

Mined by my own desolation

I become the night in between your dreams

The in between of your dreams, night I become

Tortured, my fulness dried the shores, burned the light of any dawn

I became

Empty

I dreamed myself I thought, I dreamed you, I know

Enough

I want to be reborn in peace

Beyond the glimpse of you

Beyond the broken paradise

Beyond the helplessness of broken me

Born an island

I want to emerge again

My own island.

My own dream.

Never yours again.

Becoming my own in between.

You and yours I never remembered

To dry

In hurt and pain, your own despair

I my own island, your own sorrow, you harbored to another mountain to break.

**

I get to laugh at my own falling sometimes

In passing

Dramatic

When my head bumps on the wall

Ecstatic, I stop and I cry a little

Rub emphatic and keep rolling down

Flailing my wings.

I would ask you to join me

As you nodding dramatic whispering my name in a salute

As your eyes touch mine in passing

Whom will catch whom at the bottom?

Just hold me tight and we can try again to fall faster

Tonight.

**

Once upon a time in innocence, I got so lost

Stupid child

It took everything I had in my pockets to get back on the road

When I did, I wish I spit back the bitter bite of your lips

It didn’t do me any good, should have kept the bread crumbs instead.

**

Is not that sad, not bad, not terminal

Is not irreversible I am sure, you cannot take you heart and turn it into a two sides coat

More basic

More simple

More crushing.

More nimble spirits make it through the night and come back something else

Some sort of demon

That dripped, slipped, rushed out of paradise

There is life after death of a love you forgot you once had that is crushing your being

And turns you to mush

There is more than you think

There is a verb, there is a thing that denies you everything

And wraps around your lungs with the metallic coil of a train track that binds

Suffocates and gives you the senility of insanity for a year or two or less.

But the god thing about it, in the end you don’t feel a thing.

**

I used to wake up to your fear of waking up to nothing

I thought it silly and slightly problematic

How can you lose paradise?

How can you fall out of it?

Bible teach us silly little stories that magicians make magic tricks out of it

You cannot not be!

Fall into inexistence

Love doesn’t die, sometimes gets lost in the distance

Then rushes back

And rushes good

And takes your breath away

Like a musical prelude it all starts new, I was told, I believed or I hoped

The only problem when it rushed out it came back to decompose

There was no fire in the ashes

No light on the veranda

There were holes in the ceiling and the sky cried its salty tears all over to make it worse.

Some other paradise built somewhere else, warm dry clothes waited for you.

From your phone she grinned at me like a horse.

And you woke up fearless.

While I never fell asleep again.

Afraid to wake up from this dream to the real thing.

Chose the hell.

**

Old crows told me a secret this morning

Haven’t lost it entirely

They did told me to keep it

Laugh at will, laugh at me

Laugh at whatever you please

Speak up they said, don’t be a fool, be harsh be crude

You don’t get in paradise chased by a broom but riding it.

So ride away

Fool moon is for the weak

Sun is for the wicked.

No go ahead and scream your secret out, don’t keep it.

**

I used to think this was the end of it all.

When we hung up on our words without hanging up the phone

Sat there silent

Feeling nothing

Wanting nothing

We closed our hearts in the middle of the conversation

What was I going to say, stay,

Need me

Want me

Love me like you used to love me!

It mean nothing

Because when you stop feeling

You want nothing

Just to remember how to breathe because somehow you forget that too.

Helpless, useless, the smoke detector in a room with no stove and no fire.

Just scrum.

**

I think I found the last true love on Earth, the kind that lasts and doesn’t vanish in the day light’s first glitter.

Sooo

I took a magnifying glass and I laughed burning it with the afternoon sun

I thought it would make it brighter.

Now I shiver remembering.

Little smoky traces made it shrivel tighter and it felt to the ground

The only emotion somehow I was left with

A crude bite in my heart of a strange longing for something I once held in the light of that morning

Nothing else

Nothing more

I stopped feeling everything and anything when I stepped over you through that door

Delivery required

For the man on the floor, his arm on fire

A hole in the wall

My heart holding nothing anymore

I once held the love of the Earth

I am a dried river now

Pouring my need in crashes, inevitable, unfathomable years ago

Dead inside slightly

A memory caresses the inside of my heart with simply numbness.

**

I made a revolution before. I tore your hairs out

Kicked you with a door

And implored you to give me my peace back

Freedom for any other name

By any other color

On the taste buds of my memory

Before you set the city on fire

Wild things run amok

Crying in jolly desperation of confused fascination with your eyes

Your face

Your thoughts

The insanity of it al

That balancing act that crushes and rebuilds

Not under the siege of a rebellious act, however.

More like an impromptu act of defiance where I implore and you deny

Where I deny and you implore.

I should have hit you harder with that door.

And stepped over your delightful self on my way out.

**

(Un)

You and I are very much (un)like the other ;)

So much more like a twisted spiral next to a hard-handled shovel – totally messed up-

Like a handful of grapes, dark blue, still ripe on the vine

The taste of crushed lips, on the rims with stains of dark wine....

Commonality of dark, consistent, persistent

Kind of like that feeling of chill on the bridge before catching a cold

Helpless

Unwilling to move,

Like when seeing a ghost

Of the future, cause the past is kind of old (by at least twenty years- as we established-) and remembers

Much of nothing

Except that feeling on the bridge, of cold and dramatic moons falling in the river.

The Potomac, of course, where you laugh at how I pronounce the dance of the water, the sound sounds

Like a falling

The name, catch me before I fall in the cold on the bridge

Your arms can write the name of the river around my shoulders

The names of your rivers on my lips

Your fingertips, drawing the moon in the water

Your name I will it in the cold as I park on the corner with that pissed of hiss.

A limp in my hips.

**

The devil wore white to confuse the crowds

Mislead them slightly with the purity of her entice.

Every now and then the glittering light

Showed the red purple and black fire in those brown eyes

As yours watched mine

As you watched me

Counting my sins

Perfuming your skin

Dirty

Shameless

Impossible Distress when pulled away

The angels of course wanted to be bold,

Got a memo from above of the pact to be held this Sunday

So Wanted to impress

Wanted to behold.

The devil smiled coyly and on some violin deep in the winter of my heart

Sang some notes on my skin from a summer you forgot behind.

Bright eyes, desire in various hues

Exhausted hiding one’s true colors, holding to blues.

Tore them all off for the usual, naked, since is the one that suits your fingertips better.

**

I don’t remember how we met

I remember there was a rainy day

My socks were wet

And hunger

Always around you hunger since then.

My foot slipped of the pedal both really because my shortness requires one foot pushed on top of the other

To ensure full depth to the floor, the throttle and whatever nonsense had to replace my broken broom stick for the day.

What a bother.

The freckle on the tip of my nose, cold, the tip of my nose warm, smelling fresh bread in the oven you called your heart.

I use it instead to bake mischief and more nonsense.

My cauldron (full already) stores “allll” the candy I could stash away –sneak- stole by any other name, on Halloween last Autumn

The potions have lost market value since market a inceput sa cada, so I replaced the bottles with good wine.

My kind of flying leaf, leaves no space for inebriation under the influence of circumstances

Nor inebriation under the leaves, the grapes kind.

Or the influence of your shadow of nonchalance

Damn oven

My freckle should have been warm instead

I would have passed your heart for a piece of stale bread and drove right through ---in the balta.

**

You inspire me, kind of like the French Revolution inspired master Guillotine

To redact all the shortcomings of the greedy bunch.

All the inexorable

All the terminable

Interminable

Hunger

The cake no longer suffices

The milk no longer provides sustenance

Substance in the dried red roads that line up all the furred princess

Convinced some, sweating bullets may conclude an empire of snow, ice and lust binges

On the roads that drive us to sunsets

And drive me to the mountains (of desolation) where the mining begins at exactly 7 pm when your texts reach other ears with a fierce cling

Disregarding the plea of poor little me.

Maestro of revolutions inspiring

Anger rising

Desire less these days, yet catastrophically distracting

Unimportant, riots rising in the pit of my heart.

Shame.

**

When I first came to Earth I was given a scroll

Tiny scribbles with a rhythm, on some sort of speechless guide in a strangely shaped roll

The intent, to reduce the confusion of it all.

The result just chaos and chaos some more. (If you ask me.)

They said, wait

Love will be magic

Love will be kind

Your God will smile on you and it will all be fine.

Liar, silly little liar this map, whose legend, the one with the small script was backwards Latin and spelled the words clearly in tiny, minuscule, infrared..ish truth

It is a lie!

Don’t buy

Do what you may

Kill what you care for and it won’t kill you first.

Dust

Make your treasures.

Dust make your pain.

The love you feel is a little lie and after a while is vain.

Dust

Yourself up and line up with the little liars of the world those mentioned in the tiny invisible backwards Latin spelled names

A lie that heals a lie that bends the truth that hurts the dust you have become.

You must.

iulia

**

The impossible

I want the impossible

The insurmountable and damaging all

The all of you, the entirety of the nothing inside that emptiness I fill with my love

The one you don’t seem to remember

After our lips broke apart

You are a game, a game I play as a silly dimwit whose lips still dry, draws water from the fountains of the

earth with a bottomless bucket

You are empty of it all

A game to you, the one I play, me your bottomless source of laughter

Insane, your eyes pierce the thin layer of thirst and draw in color the blue of the water, the sweet taste

of the water, its hardness as it falls empty on me, the what could have been

Not sure who is the joke anymore.

Not sure if I should just dig deeper

pour it all over the supposed, imagined, damaging heat of some created, self-imposed dream in which

the fires I fuel perch your lips

Making you spin the wheel of some old tree turned barrel drawing the nothing of me over the nothing of you.

**

At last I forgot you for a summer.

I forgot you for the rainy fall

I found your memories again accidental trippin on the moon in a puddle

Hard fall knocked the wind out of me

You didn’t reach to pick me up

you simply fell with me.

**

I don’t have time for illusions

I am dying

Nor patience anymore

You may knock at the door, and I’ll open.

Won’t have much time to spare

We can go anywhere, but we chose the couch that is broken.

You hold me at bay

I will say is ok

And you bring up your God and your conscious, I approach you so slow

I’ll indulge with a show

Which your eyes Will enjoy ’stravagantic

You caress me instead

And I pull you to bed where you fight me as demons over Atlantic ( have bitten)

Then you inch oh so close

You disrobe me of clothes

And your eyes light me up like the Christmas

When you kiss me again

Time spins inside my head

I forget all about those illusions,

I renew in your arms

No romance just a dance and I fall back in love with confusion.

Do you know me at all? What you do to my soul, how my will just melts into yours?

I don’t know you at all, but I’ll lay on the floor trembling , your touch such delusion.

I will pull you inside, in the back of my night

I will lay on your chest , as I cry.

Your face I’ll caress and let you hold me inside you when leaving.

**

There is a house on top of the hill

On a couple of hills as a matter of fact

One lives long ago, walls bricks filled with color and light

Surrounded by green pastures and some degree of insanity

Most of all innocence.

This other hill has memories from the other house

While rejoices in the limitless options of new memories yet to form

There is freedom here

And laughter

And forced bubble gum medication for feverish moments

Two silly clouds named lightly prance around tormenting, adoring

For now you only know one house my love! Although you’ve seen the other.

Your heart beat knows them both but memories don’t bother.

May your hills always be loud with joy my son

May your houses light up the world and your laughter make those walls

Dance happy in all memories

**

I remember falling from paradise

It was the first time you touched me

Since, I fell many times

Rolled on hills of spikes and melted bones

My flawless skin in hives

All I could feel and crave was deeper, down below If I could go to reach again

Your lips alone

Could care at all my broken wing was bleeding

My halo melting

And behind me God herself was screaming

Free parking in my paradise suspended!

Some fat cherub that used to braid my tresses suffocating in distress from my lack of luster and lost interest

To all heavenly.

All earthly instead, renewed highly!!

You are pretty close to down below, he winked

Must not break both cause God knows devil’s wings can sing

The siren song that draws you in. You silly fool.

Do not break both.

A little righteous spittle on his fatty cheeks.

That parking spot is yours again if you can close your foolish heart and defer your kiss.

Back I hissed, is all right, I’ll park on the corner.

**

Love me like you used to love me lover

Hold me in your eyes and on your lips

Feel me like the sweetest youthful summer

And crave me like your thirst has craved a drip

Pull me closer so that you can touch me deeper

Let your fingers slide inside my thoughts

Feel the dark that crawls inside the midnight

That breaks you out of me out of my arms.

You never promised nothing, held back nothing

The wave of you still dances with my hips

If I forget my name

The one you call me after

I won’t forget your fingers on my skin.

**

I will wish you (on) a prayer

I will call you from the inside of a prayer, wishing you

The love you call lust, your lust I call love

The in between a crave by any other tongue

The prayer will hold you together so that the other one, the course, I didn’t tell you about, can break

your soul

And put it in my pocket, tiny slivers of cruelty and desire

Mine to hold through the eternity.

It will work, I know.

How? You wonder? Well..

I sold my soul for it.

iulia

**

Thoughts about you, folded neatly in a drawer

I lit them up, smoke and ashes burning through to the floor

Is alright

The other three chambers are solid of dirt, is hard to melt clay and is hard to burn hurt

Limited edition caresses go under the bed

Kisses stolen from her, that you gave me instead

A piece I bit from your lip, a smile I stole from your eyes

The fierce look you gave when you pulled me inside

The first time we dressed in the park by your car

When your heart danced with mine for a spellbound in light

How you held me together in your eyes in the door, before you walked out

With my heart in your drawers

Little things that I stole

Little memories fake

Little words I imagined that were more than you said

Impossible to guess what you thought , what you craved

All I know is that ashes mixed with clay don’t bend and don’t break.

**

I am turning fat and slow and round , rightfully am turning into a little Earth right on my own

My delicate clouds are confusing

bemusing to your lips

on occasions

Your small Earth to draw you in and trash about

You crave me still and pull me close, or I pull you

Nobody knows

These clouds are rather moody tempest cotton cloths

Torrential storms my tears, no gentle drops

Celestial at their best, no really ,not

When you are near, I fear, my atmosphere a pissed of crown

Saves no one from a clash with urban foul

Mouth spits no rainbows rather bites your face

Don’t think you melt away and fly too far from the nest.

You storm away, I pull you right back in

Censorial, celestial,rights to call you on a whim.

Mine, though you are not, I mark you so.

And if the spaces calls back

I’ll blind you with a storms. Oh will I will.

**

You failed to grasp the rift

I failed to care

Impossible desire that seems about it now, everyone cares

Has half a century in the making all around or maybe more

I was a dream and you were mighty oak that stormed the castle down but still knocks at my door.

I laugh with you, amazed how mine you are.

My fingers tracing all your laughter lines not thinking of the harm

Those years I kiss around your mouth means nothing more to me than a disguise for what I was

For what you were

For what I want , who really cares.

Not I.

My lover from another time.

**

There are more barrels in your basement than are in mine

The grapes that you crushed not always turned to wine

Some bitter vinegar bottles still roll ajar

The crude smell of sugar and blue skies make me lick my lips from afar

Your eyes rhyme with mine when delusional poems, drop lusterless thyme crushed by soulless poets

A cup of tea fills the memories.

Don’t cry

You had me

You chose to say your goodbye.

**

Comana

Where did it all go

How is it still alive and running

A film in the back of my memory

Which my eyes can see, I can taste it and smell it and move around it like I was again 11

Life was peace, somewhat

Life was good, somewhat

And innocence was all that I had, like a brand new hat

My fingers can’t catch it because the reel is dust and smoke and the picture of me has changed so impossibly forever

Helplessness makes me choke on the smoke

Of the dream, so awake yet un real

That I would return to the pain of innocence and hunger, perhaps, somewhat.

I will never say never.

I will trade my old worn hat for that.

**

Is more to you than meets my lips

A little drop of bliss

A little hiss

A fall from a dream of paradise

A paradise fallen from my dream

What dream

What fall

The paradise that raised from hell and broke with it and climbed the stair

To touch God’s feet

To touch God’s eyes

The limitless between you and many Is.

But all is really real or is it really me, indeed, creator I became and attributed you with all of these

You naked fool, with nothing but a kiss

You made me so.

Convinced God gave it all.

**

Before I was yours, I was

When I wasn’t mine anymore, I lost myself

In you, I found a strange peace that built me for war

The one you gave me, the one you made me for

The one you were the friend and enemy in

And I was a shield

Left to melt in the desert sun

The roar of dying.

**

The light of you brings nothing anymore

It used to light up an entire castle, make suns burn with envy

Filled me with joy

Now the ruin of it all

Broken by the light of you

With a shaky hand

A bottle filled with webs and smoke

The light of me remembers nothing anymore.

**

On my way to you wherever that may be

I am running

Waiting

How I lose myself in between the moments of you

How I became nothing when I am everything and you are

just the shadow?

**

In your embrace lover

I rediscover the universe

I bring out the light for the very first time

I shiver like the first dance of the ocean

**

Inside the moment is desire only

Love asleep wrapped in Faith without a heart

Outside

Me

Craving the abys on the inside

**

The first cup of wine dulled the sense

Second, dulled my heart and made me forget a little

The ones that followed

Brought you back as a caress over forgetfulness

Drunk I stumbled on my own cries and held your body close

The whole bottle has you slip between my fingers

A smoky memory.

In the thirst after you, I cried.

**

You bring me peace

In a strange troubling way

Make my castle of sand look like solid gold and steel

When you hold my face, your lips chasing mine you chain me to your soul

When you walk from me, the oceans take the beach away with all its crumbling towers.

I sink my own Armada of illusions.

**

What a lie we are, what unspeakable false truth

The kind that makes Gods awake from ashes to punish the shamelessness

I would never let go of you if I could

You would never let go either

But the chain of your promise

Takes you away every time

Breaking.

**

I wrote you a song once

I drew the lines of each note on your skin with mine

Burning, pleasing, torture for memories

Never reaching the end of the line

Returning the dance like an insane spiral

**

The Gods I knew don’t’ live here anymore

Forged in the brick house on the hill

They never packed their bags they stayed behind

Paying a courtesy visit here sometime

When on her knees the child in me

Prays for tomorrow at the side of dreams

Old now, they pat me on the head then walk back up the same old hill

Some old memory pulling on their ankles

-memories from years ago, eons of laughter and tears-

The winter I got back up there, they left

The Gods in the house on the hill forgot their way home

And must have found another church

Where their youth came rushing to their old bones

**

I am a prayer, a desire, a wish, a dream

I already was, before again I begin

The minute of me

The second of us

The flowing of time

On the memory stones

That breath you exhale on my lips, your caress

You hold me inside you

A dreamer, a mess

From a time when your prayer, your need was alive

You and I were returning to the dust to the lime

Maybe next time around, will be longer but now

The minutes of pleasure that you broke me into

Brings me peace somehow.

**

Is not important that I don’t remember your words

I remember what your eyes said

True, those words make a different sound in my ears in a silent kind of way

In a true way.

**

I remember the summers of my childhood

The heaviest hurt of then feels like a sweet pain now

I was another me before I let myself changed by the ways of the world.

Then I caught the world inside me.

I changed it entirely.

**

Sometimes I dream of summer

So afraid to lose it

So afraid of what comes after knowing there are no glorious auburn dreams

So I am missing out from too much fear

On the golden light of sunrise and the devilish dance of evening

I am selling myself lies and dreams and choose to cloud my judgement with all the right reasons of you

When I shouldn’t.

**

How you torment me, how you break me

How you leave my heart bleeding empty with disregard

You poor innocent and I the criminal

I gave you the knife when I let you close by.

**

Your eyes full of light by the door

The last to the many last mornings
You stayed a long moment before breaking me again
Wished you could take a picture you said with that smile of yours still tasting on my lips
You did more than that
You unraveled a movie of me of desire and laughter for the eternity to come

will you remember it when I am gone?

Will it flicker in the dusted rooms of us on a wall of shadows

witch such tenderness and pleasure as the one we held

will it?

will

**

**

Your eyes draped me in white

In innocence, so you can peel it all off slowly, brazen, later

In that walk of ours through time

Around the circle of pain of some distant past you pulled me close

And let me go.

**

Keep that look and that thought
And let me touch you again and again

At my convenience, maybe later

Maybe tomorrow

Maybe in a month or next lifetime, you said.

Just stay there wanting me, needing me like you do.

Then you left.

**

I can’t drape you in nothing else in my memory, but desire

Your lips reading loud on my skin the echo of my own pulsating temples

I cued my heart to drum most precious words so your lips can read them and make you want to stay.

It was in the name of some game, some war all men like you crave.

Yet you are not like others.

Just man.

And this not just another war.

**

I cried the day I saw the ocean.

Salty blue droplets Many reasons for that.

I didn’t even know my tears ran down,

until I felt them burning my eyes tracing grey lines in the dust on my cheeks.

I am strong, my heart beats with the drums of those that sailed waters

they never knew existed before the day they reach them.

My heart sights with the joy of a peace I find sometimes in the middle of the night with my eyes wide open in the dark listening to my own pulsating temples.

**

You found me just as I have found myself

You made me lose it all, confused

I thought you were mine to keep

Such lies I fed myself until

I lost us both.

**

What’s in desire

That keeps me up at night

what makes my blood rush with such intensity that I forget my name?

I want myself in your arms and I want you lost inside me

At the end of the rush when my skin burns

My lips are bitten by yours and my heart can move the stars with its drumming

Senses that carries your touch in lines of fire, shaken and burning.

Hunger starts again.

**

I think is love or something like it

it does this to my heart

it does this to my eyes where it turns them into rivers

and clouds

covering my judgement

it makes my heart laugh, insane and wild and young

then it slaps my both cheeks with my own hands

tearful

What scares me most is the loneliness beneath this dream.

**

So that’s how we started

the light between us dancing

your eyes stealing my soul

making my heart rush like a thousand wild horses.

I don’t believe we met your lips said unraveling

a thousand oceans of desire

dripping memories that haven’t even happened.

an open range, rain, nights of fire

And then t’was the end.

**

If ever your eyes will turn dull

the light in your smile softening to dust

the dirt in your bones growing trees and shores from which ships will depart

will you still remember my name

When a frost

on your brow?

Will bring shivers?

The taste of that dream that we played for a summer

somehow will retrace you to me?

Perhaps not

or

will you just lick your lips and laugh at a victory over innocent foolies?