Obsessive Compulsive

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Unlike my other works this is going to be a non-fiction journal focussed on the aspects of my life I believe to be a result of my diagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. (OCD) I have been officially diagnosed with this disorder, and I do my own research on what it actually is, but I am not going to be verifying that everything I put in this is accurate. I have created this as a personal safe place where I can share with my readers what goes on in my life and encourage others to do so. Each "Chapter" will be a journal entry and we will see how far this goes.

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8/3/2020 2:38 PM

There are so many things in this world, so many parts of my disorder, so many thoughts in my head, so many reasons I am writing this journal as I am. “Start” at the beginning, I hear an inner voice yell at me, but where is the beginning to a plethora of concepts such as this. This isn’t a time line that I am trying to share, but rather an experience that is both physiological and physical. And here it is. The anxiety starts to peak. This isn’t right. I am not writing everything down in it’s most raw form. I am not doing it right. The inner voice is uncomfortable. The inner voice yells at me to do as it says. It is easy to calm the disorder when the compulsions are straight forward. When the inner voice tells me crease that blanket, or twist the doorknob all the way before opening the door it is a simple task to do as it says. What people don’t see is when It isn’t clear what I am being compelled to do, how to do it, or even worse, I simply can’t. When talking about compulsions and a “need” to do something, I am often asked “or what?“. The physiologist who diagnosed me with OCD told me “there is always an or what”. Well that is the thing now isn’t it? There is no “or what” because my brain simply tells me that it is not possible to not complete the task. When one’s brain sends a message that one “needs” to sneeze, one does not think “or what”, one sees the sneeze as inevitable because it is involuntary. Although my compulsions are indeed voluntary my brain tells me otherwise, and that is the struggle.

Right now I am sitting on a couch in the living room. I am uncomfortably warm, and the bridge of my nose hurts, from the rubber band that I used to replace the right arm of my glasses, pulling them too tight. However I need the glasses to see my computer and type this, new ones have been ordered but not arrived yet, and I just turned on the air conditioning in this room, but it has not affected me yet so there is nothing I can plausibly do about either situation. Thinking about these things has made me conscious of my current situation and surroundings. This has brought me to the realization of several things: the cushions on the couch across from me are falling over, and the pillows are placed in the wrong spots, there is a blanket laying in the middle of the floor, the coffee table is positioned at an awkward angle in the center of the room, the table I intended to place in the area I have designated for things to go downstairs when I am on my way down is still sitting next to the TV stand, my pants are untied, my hair is unkempt, I have several unused tabs open on this computer as well as several unopened emails, the fire stick remote is sitting next to me instead of in the drawer where it belongs, I have not put an item in my calendar that I intended too, I have several notifications on my phone that I have not resolved, my glasses are dirty and a UPS package just arrived that is probably my replacement phone. Although each of this items is causing me a great amount of anxiety, and has been since they first came to my attention, the inner voice reminds me that I planned to finish this entry first so I may not take care of any of them until I have done so. Luckily I feel satisfied with this entry so I will be moving to specified tasks.

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