Trying to find the right words to start this letter. It's many years that I suffered so I can let this words come out finally. I'm saying sorry everyday to other people because I think that I'm hurting them. I think that I'm not enough. I think that if I don't prove something to them then they will let me go. I'm saying sorry because I'm scared if someone misunderstand my words and the meaning behind. I'm not a bad person. Not good person either but I feel bad hurting people. I'm scared to say something wrong. But it doesn't worth it. They don't deserve this apology. They don't even care. The only person I have to say sorry to is myself.
I can't hide that I've been through a lot. And they are not for sure that bad as the things that other people are going through.
After what I went through I felt humiliated, ashamed, stupid. I couldn't find the humanity to people anymore. I lost trust in them and myself. I couldn't focus to school and my grades were falling everyday. I didn't have friends I didn't have people to hang out with.
After all the thoughts that I built in my mind I started hurting myself in many ways that make me write this letter right now.
I hurtled myself. I destroyed my body. I was doing it every single day with no guilt. I couldn't find a way to stop. I had to hide it though and I kept doing it. I hided it from my parents I hided it from my family. My hands were full of scars after a while.
One day my parents asked me what happened because it seemed strange I looked happy but I lied to them. I've been lying to them everyday. For four years now. I didn't want to get better I didn't know the consequences all this will have to the aftermath.. I thought I was helping myself. But I was fading away everyday. Inside out. I didn't know that I will have to hide fore the rest of my life and feel guilt for the rest of my life. And the people started looking weird asking if I did this to myself. Well obviously nobody came and cut me million times in straight lines with same distance from each other.. They were staring at me. In my eyes touching my soul and then my hands again.
I couldn't stand up from bed to go to school. I thought I didn't deserve to live anymore like that was it. There's not purpose to keep going. I wanted to end my life. I was grateful about anything that I had. A house, a family, food or even water.. I didn't care. It seems terrifying now but then it felt so easy. When I passing through my hardest times I met a girl that helped me a lot and I will forever be grateful that I met her
When I started high school I felt so bad for my body. Especially when I was comparing myself to others. So I stopped eating. I wanted to vomit my food everytime I was eating because I felt guilt I wanted to lose weight and be skinny and happy or whatever.. I tried it many times. And I kept destroying myself like that. Inside out. I've been through many hard years in high school. I made friends though. Didn't tell them all this but I didn't want to get better. Last year I lost seven pounds and my teachers were concerned about it they were asking my parents if I'm okay and if everything is okay at home but my parents had no clue about what was going on.
A teacher stopped me one day and talked to me. Then I realized that something was wronv. I realized what I've done to my body. I couldn't focus to my friends to school or anything.
In the beginning I was angry at him about what he did to me and hurt me left me ashamed and cold. About all the rumors that came after. Why he started it all that and without him I would be still a little girl who just finished high school. But I'm not. I have felt things that made me different than others. I feel more than others do. And I can understand more.
I'm sorry that instead of living a happy life and be happy about it I wasted my opportunity. I'm sorry I hurted myself. I'm sorry I let myself think all this thoughts and made them reality after. I'm sorry I'm lying to my parents and my friends. But I never treated anyone the way I wanted to not be treated. I never spoke with bad words about people or anyone specific. Only to myself and now it needs to know that.
There won't be another chapter. That was just a letter I wanted to write for myself. The people who want to text are completely free to do that. And we can talk about anything. I'm not sure if I can help anyone else with this but I can try.
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