A Letter to my Children from the Mother Side of God

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Chapter Fourteen - Dying for Mother

We die for Mother where the holy is inaccessible to us in cultural adaptation; the reverse is to develop trust so that we allow ourselves to live for God as Christed Beings.

About four years ago I was intuitively given the title “Dying for Mother” and I thought it might be the name of a book. When I began to see it as a chapter in this book, I expected it would literally be about all the people dying due to lack of awareness of Mother. And while that is undoubtedly true, in writing this chapter I see that this is first of all meant to be a personal message to me. As my current partner, goes through chemo for cancer and I watch the poison destroy his body faster than any cancer would, I despair. He received me as I had never been received. With him I had experienced child energy not yet expressed and loved by another person. I received comfort from our many and regular deep conversations. I felt like he cared enough to really know me and loved all of who I am. I heard myself laugh, truly laugh, long and deeply for the first time, and often after that.

I question how to keep this energy alive and active in me now that our deeply meaningful conversation gives way to focus on his symptoms; how to keep this energy alive and active in me now that he is a source of loss rather than a comfort to this newly emerged child energy; and how to keep this energy alive and active so that I can keep feeling the joy of life reflected in a year’s laughter. Where is the Mother energy within that can receive me so thoroughly?

I must fully own the receiving energy in myself, the Mother, to allow my soul to be free. I recognize this as a requirement for non-attachment, for acceptance of outer circumstances without losing my Self. I am aware that I have resisted taking next steps in growth in the past. Every step I have taken that bonds me more deeply within has exaggerated my difference from and separation from others, and made culture less and less tolerable to me.

My lower self interprets this next step as a threat to being totally without love. And it is just that which I must overcome, any belief that I would be abandoned by all love in rising up in awareness. At the head level I know that the opposite is true. Only in making this inner step do I fulfill myself with love. My goal has been to end the double existence, soul and culture, and make them one. Once again I have the opportunity to receive an aspect of my cultural life from a place of spiritual maturity, allowing my soul to fully shine into and through these external events.

I have reached a point in my growth where no person nor culture can supply me what I need for my soul to continue to grow. I am seeing the insanity of even believing that it could, or ever did for that matter. Also, I have taken enough spiritual steps to know that only blessings come from every release of blame that I hold toward anything or anyone external. And this must go forward as trust in releasing all blame of culture itself. I know that dying here refers to the call for me to allow my lower/cultural self to completely die out so that I can fully embrace the holy within me. It is only my survival mechanism, that is oblivious of my soul, that tells me that I will die if I take another step in my growth.

Out of the womb of Mama I put myself into a tomb. As remaining child energy woke, that tomb came to my awareness as the black hole wherein I felt completely silenced, invisible, and helpless. Now, all power lies in owning that I deadened myself as I moved into life, for only in that do I reclaim the power to choose again. Every time I reclaim soul energy put on hold, my life becomes more vibrant and I feel more youthful. I deadened myself despairing of any invitation, welcome, or recognition of my soul from outside of myself. I have now revisited that tomb and invited, welcomed, and cherished my own soul energy formerly hidden as a way to protect it while it saw no loving Mother energy. I will place myself in the womb of Mother and allow myself to be in her womb until ready to fully inhabit my soul in the world.

As with every release of adapted ways, it feels like dying. And I know from the past that only in having faith to face the dying have I discovered that only what I really do not want dies out. My faith is rewarded by receiving things I really do want and these things only bless my life. So here I work through my dying process as an accepting of life process, an allowing process. Paradoxically, we believe we will die if we wake up and in staying asleep we block energy in ways that create our chronic diseases. And even if we live with those diseases, our life lacks the quality it could have if we let our lower ways die out to come alive spiritually.

The reverse of dying for Mother is living for God. That is, dying for Mother where she is inaccessible to us within our cultural adaptation, or living for God as a Christed Being. If you prefer, this could be worded as living as a mature human being bringing only blessings to Earth. Before we can make this transformation, we have to change our concept of God to that which allows for a balance of Feminine and Masculine Principles pulsing at the level of divinity. As our body relies on a physical level breath, our spirit relies on a holy level breath. The holy breath is the balance of receiving and giving of pure energy of love, undistorted by adaptation at the cultural level. This requires a sense of a holy Mother as well as a holy Father. The holy child in us blames no one for not feeling loved for it only knows love.

In my first book, Sharing the Course, I wrote that we must understand Universal Laws to receive Love. “The Law of Being that governs our Soul has two parts. First, it requires that we view a Being greater than ourselves as capable of Loving, protecting, guiding, and nurturing us. Secondly, it requires that we view ourselves as worthy of receiving this Love. Note the relationship here. We are the receiver from a giver. We must be willing to receive.”

In my second book, Forgiving Is the Only Real Solution to Violence, I wrote, “Every choice to blame others, to believe we are guilty when they blame us, or to blame ourselves is an act of violence to our own soul.” I have autographed these books for years saying, “May you know the truth of this.” May I now know the truth of this at a deeper level. It was my intent in that book to make the point that we choose at every moment to turn away from light and love or toward light and love. The choice to turn away from light and love turns our energy to violence. We do not realize that all of our trying to get love from a closed, non-receptive state is fruitless and only builds rage within us. The choice to turn to light and love turns our energy to gentleness. We realize that love is to be received and can only be achieved with an open heart. The deepest purpose for every human being is to learn to turn their energy to light and love, to seek to waken and receive that which feeds the soul.

When I was called to write again, I did not know that this writing would actually become a physical level book. I did sense that its main purpose was to bring the story of my life to integrity and completion. I have lived my entire life with a different mindset from those around me. Of necessity, I adapted to fit into my family and then society. The silent scream of that has always been with me. My family and cultural life had brought me one grief after another, and if I were to only give focus to that aspect of my life, I would say that that process continues. Perhaps those who just live a cultural life don’t know that there is anything better. My spiritual life has brought me one miracle after another, and if I were to only give focus to that aspect of my life, I would say that that process continues. Grief accumulates in the former and joy builds in the latter.

It is my aim to bring together the two disparate aspects of my life, to close the gap between cultural life and soul life. Healing this separation is about allowing myself to complete an essential shift. I see that everything we are doing in culture is minor compared to the fundamental requirement of beingwhich serves as the holy foundation of life. I ask myself to be willing to make one final switch to Mother and Father as the sustaining foundation of my life. This not only removes all intention to blame externals for any lack of love that I feel, it also removes any remaining grief and the silent scream that accompanies that. This healing frees me to give to the world without believing that I have to be received and loved by anyone or anything in the world. And perhaps this is the ultimate definition of freedom.

I can see that every situation of grief in my cultural life gave me unlimited opportunities to find a higher way, to give a higher response, and to feel better about my life as a whole. There is no reason for any current shift to be any different from previous shifts. I need to include this as natural progression in my growth. It is in my accepting what I truly want, and releasing what I no longer want, that I set myself free of grief. There are two important things to note here. One is that I have included the divine Mother in consciousness. The second is that all blame of others is a continuation of looking outside of myself for love, a process started at the beginning of my life. I long to know the pure soul that I was before being limited by adapting into culture. Only as mature adults can we see truthfully that we, ourselves, have failed to bring ourselves to a state of completion with love.

Therein lies what I believe is the failure of the patriarchy or I might say the most successful thing about patriarchy. With the concept of Mother missing from our language and religions, we never get done blaming (m)others for their absence and failure. Therefore we all stay contracted and keep the patriarchy going. It is patriarchal life itself that fails to protect us. It is life itself that we fail when we live without awareness and acceptance of the Mother function. When we contract and harden as our way of problem solving we need to learn to expand and soften. I’m reminded that band leaders often pound their music stand to get children to pay attention. Orchestra conductors simply raise their batons and stand in silence. I can think of no clearer image of fiercely reaching down, and peacefully reaching up.

I have been at many public concerts where honor is given to the military. Typically, the theme song for each branch of the military is played and anyone who served in that branch is to stand when they hear their song. Am I the only one who feels incensed? It is not that I lack respect for the courage and hardships endured by those serving in the military. It is that I know from personal experience how much courage it takes to expand and soften to solve problems. I have to feel myself dying every time I make this shift to include the Feminine Principle. In Truth, war does not bring peace. Wars are very costly in terms of loss of lives and resources, in destruction of Earth and property, and in setting up situations in which revenge can be justified. Wars do not create peace. I would like to see honor given to those courageous enough to bring Christ energy to Earth. We need to reverse this honor to war like playing games backwards. I extend my honor to those who make the courageous journey to serve as Christs to bring peace to Earth.

In writing this book I have faced pain, looked at problems, asked questions, and have received and given answers to those questions. I summarize those here.

In nearly forty years of personal and spiritual growth, I have systematically reclaimed energy that I put into adapted ways or defenses. I sense that at this time I am reclaiming the pure soul that came into this lifetime. The pain I was facing included deep grief and hopelessness of not being heard and seen and therefore loved as a soul first by my mother, later by others, and still by culture. I felt angry at not receiving nurture as a soul, which became desperation from waiting for love to come from outside of myself. I have felt grief and rage as a silent scream related to all that has been created on earth non-miraculously, and truly needlessly; rage at the patriarchal church that is the opposite of what it purports to be; and rage at the way the patriarchal has filtered into culture and made us into consumers rather than Christs.

I have felt grief and rage from not being free to live as a soul, genuine and natural, valued, treasured, and nurtured within our culture. I have felt the frustration of having only masculine language and a culture built on and ingrained with masculine images and values that exclude. I literally felt the urge to vomit from living in a culture that is constantly focused on doing and ignores being, depth, and meaning, all qualities of the soul. When silent and invisible, ultimately in a black hole, I felt totally helpless, hopeless, and powerless at the challenge of achieving enlightenment in this lifetime. This pain is balanced by the wonder and surprise of seeing how ever present miracles are.

In terms of problems I have faced, the first problem was how to allow a full connection with the inner Mother and rise out of culture to gain integrity so that I could then infuse culture with pure love to bring an end to what remains of living a double life. I see that I have the potential to give great holy level gifts that I have not yet received and given in this lifetime.

I know that we need to greatly expand what we consider to be addictions in our culture. The number one human addiction is to blame. Every pattern that demands from outside of the self for something that only can be fulfilled from within is an addiction. All patterns which we have set up while experiencing a void of love are addictions and all are equally difficult to overcome. I recognize that at very deep levels I have had a lifelong hurt from never really fitting into culture and I was still blaming culture for that. Only in forcing myself to go beyond blame, did I accept that I was excluding aspects of my soul while still in blame, seeking outside of myself.

I ask if I can be totally free to express as a Christed One –to allow myself to penetrate culture with higher being that is free of wanting, let alone needing love from other individuals. Can I experience life free of the silent scream, silent rage, and remaining hopelessness by assuring that I am giving love? Since miracles nourish our Selves and others at the same time, the question is how to allow for them to take place. I ask how to set Christ free from cultural constructs. How do I live fully enlightened surrounded by people with unexamined assumptions, obliviously cultured by the patriarchy in words and actions?

In addressing the problem as one of inner separation due to my own contracting in blame, I can see a way to resolve the problem. Forgiving asks properly for fulfillment. My partner’s love woke me to aspects of myself that were still asleep, blaming externals, and withdrawing as a protection. They are now in my awareness and care. I do not need to hold onto him. I need to hold this newly emerged energy in my own embrace. In forgiving, I ask only to set myself free, not to change him.

I have to stop waiting for culture to invite me, welcome me, and love me, and respond to the holy invitation to mature as a being, welcome this state of being as my Self, and extend to others the love I receive in the union. To forgive is to shift from blaming to allowing myself to pulse with love of the holy and act with power. Forgiving will set me free of any demand I make for culture to change for me to fulfill my Self and allow for miracles. I need to remember that things outside of me shift as I give what is mine to give, and others like me continue to do the same. Obviously, no matter how insurmountable this seems, in order to make any difference in the world, I must forgive a culture that ignores and distorts the meaning of the holy with abominable results. And I realize that paradoxically, instead of avoiding culture and trying to detach from its ways, I need to do just the opposite. I need to make my divine Self heard and seen. The power in Christ energy, peace and joy, speak for themselves unaffected by masculine language or patriarchal ideas.

A Course in Miracles has a section on development of trust related to our living in the energy of love and teaching only love. This means to prove to ourselves as well as show to others that love’s way works for our soul where fear’s way did not. (Development of Trust Manual 4: 1 A p. 10) There are six steps listed for developing this trust.

A period of undoing where we recognize lack of value in our current pattern. While it feels like things are being taken away, we realize that changes are always helpful. I recognized another level of futility in seeking for welcome as a beautiful soul from outside myself. I also realized that I could take this step within to provide needed love for my soul.

A period of sorting out where we sort what is helpful and what hinders and see what has value and what is valueless. Here we understand that all things, events, encounters, and circumstances are helpful and value this. For me, I see that a lifetime of cultural events have called me to waken and choose life, each being a call to provide for myself from within what I was seeking from without.

A period of relinquishment where we give up the valueless. This feels like sacrifice and while we anticipate grief we are gifted instead with happy lightheartedness. I learned that proper asking brought miracles to me. Life felt miraculous, full of surprises and delights.

A period of settling down where we rest quietly and consolidate learnings. Here we begin to transfer value and see that the potential is literally staggering in having a way out, “Give up what you do not want and keep what you do.” I made it through the black hole I had been sinking into where the child in me was gagged and tied into silence and invisibility. In reclaiming her, I felt peaceful.

A period of unsettling where we realize we didn’t know what was valuable and what was valueless, only know we do not want the valueless and do want the valuable. Here, we don’t know what willingness is for. We have to be willing to lay all judgment aside and ask only for what we really want in every circumstance. And I realize that “all judgment” means ALL JUDGMENT, NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER WHO, NO MATTER WHEN, NO MATTER HOW MANY, AND NO MATTER HOW BIG. This is full response-ability. While the first four steps can be thought through mentally, this is where we truly shift our energy and give new responses to everything before us. Here is where the balance of feminine and masculine takes us forward. We need to accept what we need to BE (feminine), we need to be willing to BE it (masculine), we need to allow ourselves to BE it (feminine), and we need to take proper actions (masculine).

A period of achievement where our learning is consolidated. Here we gain in all situations troubling or not. This requires honest learning, consistency of thought, full transfer to the higher way meaning no blame of anything external. The way to Heaven is open and easy; peace of mind is complete. Our peacefulness reflects Heaven’s state to others. Heaven’s state is where we pulse with the holy, receiving and giving. In holiness, receiving and giving are one and the same. The more we receive the more we give and the more we give, the more we receive. There is nowhere to go from here for tranquility is the most desired state.

While A Course in Miracles is a guide to the growth of our soul, it is written in masculine language. The Holy Spirit is not named as feminine though it is named as receiver of Christ energy which it then relays on for us to receive and extend as received. Herein is the balanced Feminine and Masculine which allows us our holy function on Earth. The Course practically begs us to allow ourselves to grow by undoing our lower thought patterns by forgiving. Forgiving makes the change in our own mind so that we seek within instead of without for what we need for our soul’s growth. I failed to develop trust of Mama and culture to bring love, welcome, and invitation to my soul. Now I develop trust in the balanced energy of Mother and Father, spiritual process to bring love, welcome, and invitation to my soul.

Is there any doubt that we are dying for Mother? Is there any doubt that we have a hole in our heart called Mother? Those of us willing to wake up and speak up will need to continue to live in the world and not be of it. It feels isolating to live in a world that excludes and only with a balance in the holy aspect of ourselves do we become inclusive. It takes faith to continue to speak to ears that don’t hear and to people who show no willingness to listen. Yet, I need to go beyond anything I’ve said so far. What will I teach?

To heal what in me was dying for Mother, I will allow the lower in me to leave, and let the lower outside of me do as it does, be as it is, leave as it will without setting up grief. To heal, I receive and honor the gifts of the balanced holy, free to speak and be seen as holy. I started the story of my life in this book in a grief so deep that I trusted no one to see or hear me. My body was tortured by the light that sought to enlighten me. This only reflected the burning desire of my soul to be set free. I have all the power and willingness I need to do so.

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