I still remember that moment, like it had just happened, the memory will forever be in my mind, it had been two days since we last spoke, I was worried sick, I kept googling things with your name and your country for the news to see if you had gone missing, kidnapped or even...done it, or any other bad thing, yet nothing ever came, I never knew if that was good or bad, I thought to myself, and tried to think of better outcomes, maybe your parents had found out? Did something happen with your phone and iPad? I didn't know...i couldn't concentrate but I tried calming myself in school and the whole Halloween, I kept talking with your cousin's girlfriend, both of us worried for you and your cousin
I still remember the moment...i was reading a Jade x Tori, from victorious fanfic trying to distract myself, yet no matter what I did you were still in my mind, still the ruler of my heart, still the only thing I could think of it was late, almost midnight then, it happened, I saw the Snapchat notifications pop up, the "My Krompir🥔🔥❤" sign come back...i had missed that so much, I missed that bitmoji, our talks, us, I had never clicked so fast in my life, then you said we need to talk, I was too much still emotional of missing you and worrying about you and what happened, you told me how your parents had found about us and excepted it
I was happy, too happy for my own good, then you told me you didn't think you were gay, I didn't see anything of it, because we always thought how you were bisexual, but you told me you didn't feel the same, you told me how your dad talked about your mom and you noticed you didn't think of me like that, and instead? it was friendship love.... That...that hurt so bad, you know why? Because those exactly two months and 19 days were all fake, it had only been a half an hour or so also, and we had been together for 2 months, 19 days and like 40 minutes since we became a thing, it hurt, it hurt knowing all of the love I thought was there, wasn't, my heart? It had actually hurt, physical and mental pain, my heart didn't exist, happiness?
Nope, I only felt pain, I couldn't breathe, even if I looked a little calm over text, I was shaking I couldn't breathe, I'm not kidding, my teeth were chattering, I was shaking so badly, I felt the pain in my chest, like someone had shot me, but sadly, it wasn't a shot, not of a gun, but a shot of heartbreak, I had never in my life felt such pain, I really never had, and the crazy thing? You had made me fall in love in a matter of two months when you told me you "liked" me, I personally didn't know how i felt I just immediately typed back, I knew I thought about us two before...and had a small crush so I gave it a chance...a chance only for you
I also thought what if your parents told you to this or something? I know it's stupid but just my paranoia and overthinking got the best of me...i didn't mean to and I'm sorry it just came out of nowhere the thought...
...i liked it, I liked it when you called me yours, when you that one time called me your princess, also between the week I checked your old stories...i saw your face since I also saw the face reveal book again...and in thr last one...wow you have such beautiful eyes...their beautiful to stare at and left me breathless, I wasn't being creepy I swear! Just saw it and wanted to see our comics and well...saw your cute face and as I said before..i loved it when you called me those things...even if they weren't real....but I knew something was up, remember how striker and your oc dated? I noticed the differences, I noticed how much you liked the anime boys, and honestly? I was always so fucking jealous, that'd why I was sometimes a little away, I was upset I cried, I cried because I didn't have the male parts, because I wasn't a male, I couldn't give you what you wanted, and that night? I cried again also because of that reason, I didn't let it out correctly, because alma was next to me, parents home, if they heard or woke up, id have been in trouble so I had to silently try and calm my panic attack and break down, and this time? you weren't there to comfort me, what should I have done?
I knew I had to do something, the voices that you kept in a cage, they had managed with ease to get out now, they were running all around, I couldn't breathe as I was shaking so hard, the pain never getting any less painful, I felt like my whole world just died, it had honestly, I mean you were my light, you still kind of are, I wanted to hurt myself, to kill myself, I saw myself jumping of that one specific bridge I always thought of...but I didn't do anything yet, I knew I had to tell my friends, I immediately turned my phone on again, I went and made another secret chat, just me and Mirja and Lea and Joya, I would have also added Nina and Chiara but they don't have snapchat so...anyway I made that secret chat and poured my feelings out, luckily Joya and Mirja we're up, I mean it was almost midnight, apparently, the two of them had a sleepover, they tried calming me down,
I asked or well begged for us girls to meet the next day, I needed them badly now, I told them what happened and how the voices were there, we went and hanged out next day, me, Lea, Joya and Mirja and Chiara to, we had some fun before I explained what happened, they were there and listened and I explained some things, they got some things to eat and I took one bite of pizza, i didn't didn't want to get bigger, we had more fun before I went home.....some moments Im alright and don't feel the pain, this and that horrible heartbreak... and other moments? Even in school, I had close calls to breaking down in class, I've also started a bad habit... It started on Tuesday I still remember, it was in English class, I had started scratching my arm, my wrist, I had even used a light pen, a yellow one, four short lines on my arm and two right where my vein was
I started scratching and scratching on my wrist, my neighbor and now good friend Severinè noticed, she stopped my arm, stopped my nails from touching the skin, it had started becoming red, she doesn't know about the....thoughts...about you either....well she does, she knows I have a friend in Scotland, she stopped my hand and told me to not to, then she jokingly said "I don't want to clean all of that blood up", she had noticed my mood dropping, since yesterday, Monday, id have been silent, my usual happy and joking attitude was now silent and emotionless, I couldn't help it, you were still in my head...i couldn't think, then that afternoon I had that hour with the counselor, Lea with me, I poured stuff out and explained the scratching thing...and something I didn't also tell you, remember two weeks autumn holiday? When I went to the police?
That morning after I had showered...I had a breakdown...i took a razor, I wanted to cut on my arms but people would notice so I tried on my big disgusting fat thighs....it didnt cut, didn't even leave a mark, I was so fucking angry it's unbelievable, the anger I felt, I also tried many times and even a little succeeded to make myself throw up those two weeks I also once scratched my shoulders and back so bad they were red.....i told the counselor that, and all I said I had a break down for a reason I didn't want to name on Saturday night and he didn't pressure me, I explained the shaking the crying, the not breathing, I even let some tears out, it took so much not to actually break down, and this morning?
We had pe, as always the first two hours on a Friday, we were done and all that and us girls gathered up to know our grades of that test...i got mine I wasn't even upset about the grade, more about well the voices, I started scratching my arms, I even blanked out for a second, I forgot my friends were next to me, all I heard was lead whispering and then I felt Nina grab my arm to stop me, I tried again she didn't let me, then later I scratched my hand with my fingers she stopped it again, Lea probably told them and they had to stop me....you have no idea how red my arms and wrists were, I wasn't surprised but...i wanted more i felt that urge I felt on Tuesday, the one I've been having non-stop in class since Tuesday, I didn't scratch my arms those other two days...but I did make my nails scratched paper and the table and such things...also this week?
I was walking behind chaira, she had broken her foot or something and was on crutches, we were on the stairs, we had finished math...i heard the boys behind me and I think Alexander or Matej was behind me, and I heard the boy tell the other guys, that he wanted to push me but chaira was in front of me... I wish he did push me, I wish chairs haven't been in front of me...if I had fallen down the stairs maybe I wouldn't be here then...
I also found out something else, when I was with the counselor, I brought up that I thought maybe I had OCD, but he told me I didn't, and then I mentioned something...i can't stop checking if I locked something or if something isn't in a specific order I would kind of tick, I had to do an arm or hand motion it's weird....then he told me he, it had to be my mind messing with me, I was surprised but also not, after all, I'm already messed up,
This week I've been thinking...and researching...i wanted to do the HoneyJar...its a love spell... I also searched up other love spells and i wanted to become a witch because of those things, i was close to doing it....but i knew I wouldn't, that's going too far, you have a right to freedom and who you want to love...so I won't even if I want to...i won't, I'm not that kind of person, I don't want to hurt you or force you, I won't, I will resist it, I would rather live in this pain then force you into anything and fake those feelings, i know i was showing like I was getting better..but I wasn't ...
oh i also kept seeing these this is how your 2020 Christmas will go, and it was always two girls....but my hopes are dead, the same thing for the this is your 2021, i dont think anybody can like me like that, and it's okay, less problems am i right? I also yesterday the 5 November, on exactly 1:15 pm a tik tok came and said " I made five of the same video, yes five. 1/5 whichever you see first is MEANT for you" then this sentence appeared "something amazing is going to happen within 48 hours...💗" the song Arcade by Duncan Laurence played in the background its a sad song, you might know these lyrics, the chorus,
I spent all of the love I've saved
We were always a losing game
Small town boy in a big arcade
I got addicted to a losing game
All I know, all I know
Loving you is a losing game
I love the song honestly, I'm listening to it right now it's beautiful, I even listened to it before the whole..break up but know I relate more to the lyrics but ill be okay :)
And I know its silly but...ill hope, even if its such such a low chance and impossible ill just have a little little little smidge of hope... I also saw another one that day, it was like "I made 50 of this, the one you get is meant for you" I got the number 19/50 and it said "something good will happen to you" which also gave me hope, but this morning when I woke up two videos that said let them go and made me have a breakdown at five in the morning, and because the world hates me probably won't happen what I'm wishing for, and its for us to be together but it probably won't happen
And if you are somehow reading this Fire, it's not your fault, im not mad, I accept it, i understand, we can't always get what we want, and I want you to be happy, and if that means being friends? Then okay, I'll accept this and get over this, I will give my best, ill try my best to let go of these feelings so we can go back to the way we were before the whole relationship thing happened and if you are still uncomfortable, tell me okay? I won't be mad, I can never be mad at you, I care for you bud, I'm here for you, I really hope you're getting better, I want you to be happy, I'm here if you need me❤
Also this has 2875 words not counting the title... Now bye I hope you're doing well bye❤