January 24, 2016
Honor’s Band was pretty great actually. I did struggle trying to restrain myself from running off of the stage but I made it through. It was very draining though. There were so many people, it was really stressful but I had my anxiety release blend so I didn’t freak out. All of the songs we played were really neat and the band director there was amazing. We got home but we had to go to church about an hour later. I could feel everything building up though, and I fully dreaded all of the hand shaking there. I made it through church but then my parents wanted to do something nice for us and take us out to eat. If it was any other time, any other day, I would’ve been thanking them. But I had been socializing all day and I wanted to go home and curl up in a blanket, eat pizza, and spend some time with family and then go swing. The place they chose, The Winzerstube, was in downtown Hudson. Now if that wasn’t bad enough, it was a Saturday night so there were people EVERYWHERE!!!! As we walked down the streets I felt my heart starting to race, my hands started to sweat, and I started to get that familiar choking sensation. Something in my head kept screaming at me RUN AWAY!! Someone in the crowd is carrying a gun and is going to kill your entire family!!! Someone in ISIS is here and they’re going to bomb the area, killing everyone in your family but you!!! I fell behind and stopped, looking around at everyone, suspecting that they were the ones who were going to kill my family. My mom noticed and walked back over to me. She told me “it’s okay” and she gently grabbed my arm. I freaked out a little bit and yanked my arm away. Now my breathing started to quicken and tears filled my eyes. Mom laid her hand on my shoulder and told me “don’t let it control you”. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the oil and breathed it in in counts of four and slowly I started to relax a little. Fortunately, The Winzerstube was packed and it would be about an hour before we got our table so mom and dad decided to take us to the local family resturaunt that’s almost never too busy. We got a table towards the back and I ate supper mostly relaxed, but on the way home Carson (8 year old brother) and mom started to fight because he got his tablet taken away for bad behavior in church. For some reason whenever people are yelling in a negative way or having a heated argument it always makes me tense up and snap. So that’s exactly what happened. They were fighting and as usual my muscles tensed up and my heart raced. I tried to put in my earbuds and crank my music up loud to drown out the fighting but it didn’t work. It started building up until I just snapped and screamed “STOP!!” at both of them. Mom scolded me for yelling at her, and I know I deserved it but I couldn’t take it. When we got home I disappeared into my room and came out once to go swing to relax and clear my head. Today’s been better but I’m already dreading tomorrow. Like I said in my previous entry: my friends hate each other and to be honest I’m not too fond of some of them either. But in middle school everyone has their groups figured out, and no one is too thrilled to welcome anyone new unless you just came from a different school. So if you’re not happy with your group… well.. you’ll just have to suck it up until high school. That’s all for now though.