January 27, 2016
January 27th, 2016
Yeah, I know, it’s been a few days but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’ve been stressed by Bear Camp stuff and school work. Mrs. Buckel approached me yesterday and told me that I could get on the AP Gov list next year but I would have to have As in Literacy, Language Arts, and History. I already get As or A- in those subjects but now the “impending doom” of high school is starting to consume me so I’m stressed about it even though it shouldn’t be that much of an issue. I’m starting to really get into grades and getting my homework done now that high school is getting close and colleges look at high school grades. I’m really, really irritated right now being in the presence of other people. I want them all to just go away and leave me alone, but of course, such a wish cannot be granted. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with the usual “You don’t have anxiety! You’re just being overdramatic!” and the “You do have anxiety! Don’t listen to the other voice!” I say this because Ashlyn has depression that came from anxiety so her anxiety is much, much greater than mine. Since she has depression from anxiety I feel (for lack of better words) stupid. Here I am complaining and “struggling” with my problems and Ashlyn self harms and feels worthless everyday. I’ve told her that she isn’t worthless and that I’m here for her to talk to but now I feel quite dumb for going to see a therapist. There are so many people who deserve to see people like Mary more than I do, and I feel like I don’t deserve any of the help I am receiving. Don’t get me wrong, I am more than grateful that I am receiving help, I just feel like my feelings aren’t justified and small.
Two days ago Mrs. Buckel told me about the college classes and after that I had lunch. Well I wasn’t hungry because I was worried so I just fiddled with my essential oil roll on and my friend Angelica asked me what it was. Morgan S spoke up before I could and explained to her that the little tube in my hand was an Essential Oil. My other friend Parker noted how I had also fiddled with it at Honor’s Band. At Honor’s Band I was kind of freaked out since there was a huge crowd of people and I would be going on stage in front of even more people so I brought along my stress ball to squeeze and fiddle with to ease my mind. Morgan S took my stress ball away though to play with it so I wrung my hands and stayed close to the unoccupied walls. While I was doing that she threw me weird looks but I was so anxious I didn’t pay much attention to it. On Monday, during lunch, Morgan S said, and I quote, “Oh yeah. Morgan was really overreacting on Saturday. I mean, seriously? Being freaked out around people and cracking your knuckles? Talk about being overdramatic!” Everyone at my table stopped talking and looked at her. I stood there my fists in a ball at my sides and the feeling of tears threatened to fill my eyes. I couldn’t believe her. I’m sure I’m overreacting about this but I was so mad to think that she would say something like that when I was struggling to decipher my own emotions. I took a deep breath, turned around, and walked away before I said something rash. Morgan’s “That’s a stupid reason to get mad and walk away.” made my vision blur. I’m just really confused and I don’t know anything anymore. My concentration has gone from 100 to 50 to 0 in the past two years. Everyone always comments on how sad I look. I can’t exactly argue with them. I’m not really happy, especially at school. And when I’m not sad at school I don’t really have any emotion. Well, sometimes I have happy mood swings towards the end of the day because I’m happy that I can go home soon. But whatever… I’m just making things a bigger deal than what they are.