" I have always been known as a bit of a risk-seeker, as many of my fans are aware, so for this installment of the Travel Guide, instead of heading to a remote jungle location in South America or the dry heart of the Sahara, I have taken the ultimate risk and have taken a tour of DC which the media has now coined as the city of despair or on channels that really like hyping the melodrama, "Hell on Earth".
Hint: They're not adding much hype.
I'll keep the religious fervor viewpoints out of this and stick only to the facts. The TV documentaries aren't exaggerating, and those kids on that paranormal show didn't need to add any scary music to their soundtracks when they went into that city - once. They also didn't stay their usual three days, either. For those of you who don't know, that was the season finale, due to the death of several of their members.
It might seem like too much to take to hear that our medieval ancestors weren't the superstitious kooks we thought they were, but when you actually see a true to life demon fly across the street from one rooftop to another carrying half a body while being shot at by a horde of black armored police officers in armored vehicles, you really want to start re-thinking the width and depth of the lines between myth, legend, and cold hard fact.
If you think the DCPD is going to always be saving the day, forget it. They're so underfunded that more often than not half of them are "allegedly" funding themselves like the formerly mentioned medieval ancestors, plundering their own city just to survive like knight-errants, while the other half are usually getting killed as those crooked partners are too busy covering their own asses. If you wanna live in Dispair city, try to live within a block or two of a cop's house or a coffee shop.
Demons and half crazed law enforcement aren't the end of it, either. Apparently magic-flinging necromancers have also stepped out of myth and summon the living dead - or fight against the corruption in the city - and being elusive nomads in the city's bighted outskirt (or innards, depending on which angle you're looking at it from) they're not much for interviews or divulging information about themselves.
And then if you thought that would be too much, sprinkle in Shapeshifters - they're like werewolves, but seem to have way more shapes than just wolves they are much larger than most beasts.. and with an agenda that no one can figure out. I have had the misfortune of seeing one myself. I already didn't like spiders is all I can say- not that you readers didn't know that already. From what I can see, you have a city that really is on the verge of insanity.
But then again, they used to say that about Detroit.
Now that the bad news is over, the alleged good news is that celestial forces themselves have gotten involved in the fray. However, unlike the nightmares of the very visible demons on the streets, spotting them in your traditional winged angel style is almost as difficult as it's always been without drinking lots of alcohol, sort of like the rare image that anyone could have altered with digital photography. Though I need point out that in Dispair City, those rare images aren't nearly as rare, get caught on things like automated security cameras, and some of them are literally capturing video of werewolf like beasts fighting Devils. I also need to point out that the city imports more alcohol than any in the country according to a 2016 study. Some people drink to see angels; apparently in Dispair City, the people must be drinking to go blind. Or at least to deal with the high death and injury rate.
In a city strongly polarized between the devoutly faithful and the ruthlessly faithless, in between you just find the confused and the insane. Most of them work in the D city Post office though, so they're easy to avoid. Just be sure to leave a nice plate of holiday cookies in the mailbox for them in December. Remember: they likely have necromancers, werewolves, demons, and apparently angels on their delivery routes, and it would be nice for them to have a sense of good old fashioned human normalcy for once.
Pros: High pay-scale for all professions, lots of open housing. Beautiful city, if you can get past the blood shed- especially in Autumn. Great subway system, a city that was the perfect blend of nature and city areas. It would probably have made a great city, if it didn't have such a bad name to it- for good reason.
Cons: Urban blight has reached a feverish pitch in the downtown district, some locations of the city are under permanent national emergency and martial law.
Also...did I mention demons?
I plan to come back to this city, however not anytime soon, as I said: Spiders. Call me crazy, or just see for yourself. I'd rather be called crazy, than be dead- and a tleast you all got a better warning than I.
Ta-ta and safe travels(especially those who are brave enough to still travel to DC),