Love. Let’s talk about love. Everyone is familiar with the word love. Everyone has heard of it. Even if you have not, which you are lying, love is a set of emotions, behaviors, and beliefs with strong feelings of affection. Love is the most significant thing in a human’s life. The concept of love can come in all kinds of unimaginable things and can happen to each person in a lot of different ways. Some people even say that love is an act of possessiveness. It is not easy, especially when everyone has spoken about this, the most overused four-letter word in the history of the world. Despite that, I do not want to talk about those movies’ kind of love or books kind of love where they described it perfectly that it sounds as if it is too good to be true. Although some of them are true, we are not going to talk about that because we are going absolutely against it. However, instead of those kinds of love, we are going to talk about love as a human being who struggles not only with severe depression but also struggling with anxiety. What will happen when someone like me falls in love? What will happen if someone who has never loved herself or experienced true love falls deeply in love with someone?
Every kind of cliché book that has written all about love and those which I have read and fallen deeply in love with has entered my mind. In all of my make-believe love, I am a girl who is loved by everyone and is the center of attention to all the boys out there. I would randomly be wearing a shirt that belongs to a guy that I shall call the love of my life. We would both be huddled up on the couch as we read books or even poetry to each other. He finds all of my quirkiness very adorable. If we ever got into a fight, it will always be dramatic and obviously will end with some tears and a beautiful kiss or him ending up doing something very adorable to get me to accept his apology. In these make-believes, I am perfect. There is not even one quality that I do not possess. I am very much perfect. Too perfect that I am almost not human.
All my life I have built up this sort of perfect image way too much that I had nothing but scorn for my reality. Therefore, when I started loving, I tried so hard just so that I can live up to the hype, like almost every rom-com heroine out there. What happened exactly? Well, we tried reading a book together but it did not work the way I intended it to be, because none of us could focus. We fought but it ended up with us not talking for a while. I eventually gave up on everything because I could not handle it. I just hated it so much. Our involvement in each other’s lives led our relationship to a horrible path that just turns out to be very much toxic in the end.
I realized that I needed space to be upset or even more precisely miserable, but being the person I am, that is not a good idea, it was a terrible one. The thought of being lonely scares me a bit too much. I was not concerned about him leaving me so much, but the thought of what is going to happen if he left is terrifying to me. That is when I started hiding. I avoided as much contact as I could with him. It is barely surprising to the fact that I ended up being tired of all this. It had to end at some point or else this is going to keep me hurting. It is not like it is a bad thing but it did end at some point and I have never been so grateful. This is the situation where some people may call it, it’s not him but me kind of thing. I was the problem from the very start.
I am terrified. However, it taught me something. I am a lot more aware of them. I am not perfect. I have a mental illness and it is very much not cute. I fear that it will make me unlovable. I keep telling myself that it is not true, but with anxiety, I have got told otherwise. Voices kept telling me horrible things to me. I am not good enough. I will never be good enough. In reality, I just do not like my appearance. I hate it. I am worried that my significant other will hate it as much as I do.
These voices make me think about it and worry about it too much to the point where I cannot even eat that much anymore. I am concerned that no one will want to spend their whole life with someone pathetic, someone who is never enough for her or the people around her. Someone who has no value at all. Someone who has nothing special about herself. Someone like me.
Love for me is something very terrifying and difficult. For me, love is more than just being interested physically in someone but instead it is an emotional attachment. At one point, I feel like I have convinced myself that love is also crazy, stupid, and silly. With me battling for my self-worth every day, I just fear that I can never be someone who is not worth fighting for. Someone who is never good enough. I would fight against every feeling in me to not try to find or fall in love until I am fully ready. Ready to be in love again. Ready to face everything that is going to come my way. So that I will be ready for it when love comes knocking again. Eventually, it did come knocking again, but I was not even close to being ready. Somehow, a boy that goes by the name Torvas made me feel otherwise. Now, this is where it all begins. This is where my not so perfect but somehow perfect love story begins.