Hands OFF!

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Summary

I never thought I'd have to live the rest of my life without my right hand. But that was before it happened. To what lengths would you go to save your breakfast? Well, to one person, that would be worth a hand and very nearly a foot.

Genre:
Other / Humor
Author:
TheClandestineGerbil
Status:
Complete
Chapters:
1
Rating:
n/a
Age Rating:
13+

Hands OFF!

I never thought I’d have to live the rest of my life without my right hand. But that was before it happened. I woke up this morning thinking it’d be just another day in paradise. I drank my fruit-vegetable shake while contemplating the mysteries of the universe, but suddenly my dreamlike reverie was shattered by the burst of blue light emanating from my microwave.

Hmmm, I thought, why is that bizarre ultramarine-coloured stream of photons exiting my kitchen appliance? Surely the aliens don’t want my toast. They never have. The thing was, the aliens did want my toast.

“Greetings, Earthling,” one said as it crawled out of the microwave. “Hand over the toast or we toast your hand.”

Sarcastic aliens are the worst, I thought. Little did I know that sarcastic aliens were the least of my problems. That didn’t occur to me at that moment because I was being surrounded by sarcastic aliens demanding my toast and looking hungrily at my hand. Despite their attempts to disguise it, most were salivating enthusiastically. My hand was beginning to burn a little.

“Hand over the toast,” they insisted insistently. Reflexively, I clutched the piece of perfectly golden brown whole wheat bread covered in delectable grape jelly the perfect ratio of smooth-to-crunchy peanut butter closer to my chest, not caring that it would stain. My toast had to be saved.

“No,” I replied with vigor and the belief in the fact that I would save my toast.

One of the aliens, the fifth from the left, glanced towards the bluest of them all and eagerly asked, “Can we do it yet? Can we? Caaaaan weeeeeeeeeeeeeee?”

“We will tell you again,” said Mr. I-am-so-very-blue, ignoring his subordinate that had just spoken. “Hand over the toast and we will not toast your hand.”

I frowned, not liking their ultimatum. On the one hand (no pun intended), I was fond of the idea of having–and keeping–all ten digits, but on the other, I was very partial to my toast. Making a split second decision, I ran out of my kitchen. Before long, the pounding of extraterrestrial boots could be heard throughout the house. But, Alleluiapraisethechoirofangelsonhigh, I had a plan.

Even if the aliens found the blueprint of the house that was sitting on the table by the television in the living room, they would not know that I had a secret laboratory under the basement. When I reached said place, I shouted, “Release the Rhino!” at the top of my lungs. The doors parted and I was safe.

It was only later that I realised my right hand had been severed and was now sitting on the other side of the steel portal I had come through. Oh well, at least I have my toast and left hand, I told myself. And I’m not human. Thank God for those starfish genes grafted into my already multi-species deoxyribonucleic acid.

After five minutes of patient waiting, I realised it had not been starfish genes but actually star-nosed mole genes the mad scientists had used. By then, though, I was already half dead from blood loss so there was nothing else I could do but eat my toast.


THE END

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Further Recommendations

alajada13: Love this story!!!

Delores Jeannie Lee: I really enjoyed reading,can't wait to. Finishthe story seewhathappentoto them.

Taonga: The grammar of this particular story is explicit as compared to other stories I've read, the plot is lovely although I'd have preferred more action when the leading female was being rescued.

Joana: How in the world can you not love this !!!

Amy Johnson: The ending felt a little rushed, I wish it would have gone on a few more chapters.

Love to read/mommy2: Simple yet beautiful story.

Mariya: Good book after a long time.....

annwilson1252: Think thay will fall in love .but there will be some heartbreak on the way .

More Recommendations

maddisonramdeen: ahhhhhhhhhhhh, where do I start this book is soooo good like literally everyday I check to see if the author has updated I totally recommend you to read it

RainbowRenee: This was such a cute story! Completely obvious how in love they were from the get go!It was really descriptive regarding the situation and environment, even being short it was a great love story!

bellalouise28: The ending felt rushed, I liked the book just thougjt the ending was a bit rushed

Ponmque1: I like it so far! The characters are interesting and I like how they are so confident and strong. I'm excited to read the whole story now because I love when the main character is sarcastic and here there is TWO of them!! Keep it up awesome writer! ❤️

Gpower: It has a perfect dose of every theme: Family, friendship, love, pain, mental health, etc. It's my favorite book so far, and I love how the author is committed to every character. I didn't think it was possible, but you effortlessly made another book as awesome.

samadhi yasintha: Funniest book I ever read. Really enjoyed.

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