Hands OFF!

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Summary

I never thought I'd have to live the rest of my life without my right hand. But that was before it happened. To what lengths would you go to save your breakfast? Well, to one person, that would be worth a hand and very nearly a foot.

Genre:
Other / Humor
Author:
TheClandestineGerbil
Status:
Complete
Chapters:
1
Rating:
n/a
Age Rating:
13+

Hands OFF!

I never thought I’d have to live the rest of my life without my right hand. But that was before it happened. I woke up this morning thinking it’d be just another day in paradise. I drank my fruit-vegetable shake while contemplating the mysteries of the universe, but suddenly my dreamlike reverie was shattered by the burst of blue light emanating from my microwave.

Hmmm, I thought, why is that bizarre ultramarine-coloured stream of photons exiting my kitchen appliance? Surely the aliens don’t want my toast. They never have. The thing was, the aliens did want my toast.

“Greetings, Earthling,” one said as it crawled out of the microwave. “Hand over the toast or we toast your hand.”

Sarcastic aliens are the worst, I thought. Little did I know that sarcastic aliens were the least of my problems. That didn’t occur to me at that moment because I was being surrounded by sarcastic aliens demanding my toast and looking hungrily at my hand. Despite their attempts to disguise it, most were salivating enthusiastically. My hand was beginning to burn a little.

“Hand over the toast,” they insisted insistently. Reflexively, I clutched the piece of perfectly golden brown whole wheat bread covered in delectable grape jelly the perfect ratio of smooth-to-crunchy peanut butter closer to my chest, not caring that it would stain. My toast had to be saved.

“No,” I replied with vigor and the belief in the fact that I would save my toast.

One of the aliens, the fifth from the left, glanced towards the bluest of them all and eagerly asked, “Can we do it yet? Can we? Caaaaan weeeeeeeeeeeeeee?”

“We will tell you again,” said Mr. I-am-so-very-blue, ignoring his subordinate that had just spoken. “Hand over the toast and we will not toast your hand.”

I frowned, not liking their ultimatum. On the one hand (no pun intended), I was fond of the idea of having–and keeping–all ten digits, but on the other, I was very partial to my toast. Making a split second decision, I ran out of my kitchen. Before long, the pounding of extraterrestrial boots could be heard throughout the house. But, Alleluiapraisethechoirofangelsonhigh, I had a plan.

Even if the aliens found the blueprint of the house that was sitting on the table by the television in the living room, they would not know that I had a secret laboratory under the basement. When I reached said place, I shouted, “Release the Rhino!” at the top of my lungs. The doors parted and I was safe.

It was only later that I realised my right hand had been severed and was now sitting on the other side of the steel portal I had come through. Oh well, at least I have my toast and left hand, I told myself. And I’m not human. Thank God for those starfish genes grafted into my already multi-species deoxyribonucleic acid.

After five minutes of patient waiting, I realised it had not been starfish genes but actually star-nosed mole genes the mad scientists had used. By then, though, I was already half dead from blood loss so there was nothing else I could do but eat my toast.


THE END

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Further Recommendations

Elizabeth Graham: Great story...kept me hooked.Keep up the good work

Adriana Pena: Amazing! It was so captivating and I really loved it so much!

Sho: I read the whole story in two days. So that tells you how much I like it! If there were two notes I could give... 1) I still do not understand why it took the girls so long to recognize the scent of werewolves on the boys, and vice versa. If you want to say werewolves don’t have a scent that’s fi...

Luckycookie: - some of the names we’re screwed up but it was good dispute that it was great- you should really read the book because its ver specific- this was a great book very good on explaining the characters reasons for being there and what they were doing

Mandy011: You're an awesome writer. Your stories always hit the heart. ❤️

Keona Stanford: I absolutely love this story, it was such a tear jerker. But I loved every moment of it!!!!!

Awesomeride: To be honest I loved everything about the book. The ending was my favorite part, because even though everyone thinks that all books will have happy ending but that not true. So I think that this book best represents that idea.Some ideas that I would suggest to improve the book, is that I would ...

Mase : I love the modern twist of sleeping beauty. I loved this story ❤️

husnakaja: I really love this book and you are a very talented person and I hope u get to use this talent for greater good. -Husna Kaja ❤️

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Christie_Boswell: This book was written amazingly. It was filled with details and the plot of the story actually made sense. It also had situations where the author would add in some comedy to lighten the mood or if their is simply to much seriousenes . It also was filled with different emotions not just happy or ...

Yesi: I like the story. Loved how it started. Just a few things like where does this all take place I read there was French and then saying that Landon has a British accent so am I assume it's in Europe? There's alot of misspelled word well more like the wrong word is used but I understand what you me...

Kenya Butler: Amazing cant put it down

SoniaDaredevil: I like the way they are calling themselves by surname like Adams and Hills it is kind of sexy and seductive. ^*^. But I would love to read more scenes with them so i am looking forward to what will happen next. {^~^} xoxo

hlici 🤟🏻: I really like this book, I finished it with 2 days lolll

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