Hands OFF!

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Summary

I never thought I'd have to live the rest of my life without my right hand. But that was before it happened. To what lengths would you go to save your breakfast? Well, to one person, that would be worth a hand and very nearly a foot.

Genre:
Other / Humor
Author:
TheClandestineGerbil
Status:
Complete
Chapters:
1
Rating:
n/a
Age Rating:
13+

Hands OFF!

I never thought I’d have to live the rest of my life without my right hand. But that was before it happened. I woke up this morning thinking it’d be just another day in paradise. I drank my fruit-vegetable shake while contemplating the mysteries of the universe, but suddenly my dreamlike reverie was shattered by the burst of blue light emanating from my microwave.

Hmmm, I thought, why is that bizarre ultramarine-coloured stream of photons exiting my kitchen appliance? Surely the aliens don’t want my toast. They never have. The thing was, the aliens did want my toast.

“Greetings, Earthling,” one said as it crawled out of the microwave. “Hand over the toast or we toast your hand.”

Sarcastic aliens are the worst, I thought. Little did I know that sarcastic aliens were the least of my problems. That didn’t occur to me at that moment because I was being surrounded by sarcastic aliens demanding my toast and looking hungrily at my hand. Despite their attempts to disguise it, most were salivating enthusiastically. My hand was beginning to burn a little.

“Hand over the toast,” they insisted insistently. Reflexively, I clutched the piece of perfectly golden brown whole wheat bread covered in delectable grape jelly the perfect ratio of smooth-to-crunchy peanut butter closer to my chest, not caring that it would stain. My toast had to be saved.

“No,” I replied with vigor and the belief in the fact that I would save my toast.

One of the aliens, the fifth from the left, glanced towards the bluest of them all and eagerly asked, “Can we do it yet? Can we? Caaaaan weeeeeeeeeeeeeee?”

“We will tell you again,” said Mr. I-am-so-very-blue, ignoring his subordinate that had just spoken. “Hand over the toast and we will not toast your hand.”

I frowned, not liking their ultimatum. On the one hand (no pun intended), I was fond of the idea of having–and keeping–all ten digits, but on the other, I was very partial to my toast. Making a split second decision, I ran out of my kitchen. Before long, the pounding of extraterrestrial boots could be heard throughout the house. But, Alleluiapraisethechoirofangelsonhigh, I had a plan.

Even if the aliens found the blueprint of the house that was sitting on the table by the television in the living room, they would not know that I had a secret laboratory under the basement. When I reached said place, I shouted, “Release the Rhino!” at the top of my lungs. The doors parted and I was safe.

It was only later that I realised my right hand had been severed and was now sitting on the other side of the steel portal I had come through. Oh well, at least I have my toast and left hand, I told myself. And I’m not human. Thank God for those starfish genes grafted into my already multi-species deoxyribonucleic acid.

After five minutes of patient waiting, I realised it had not been starfish genes but actually star-nosed mole genes the mad scientists had used. By then, though, I was already half dead from blood loss so there was nothing else I could do but eat my toast.


THE END

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Further Recommendations

bobbi620: This is a romantic story that will definitely hit your heartstrings hard. I enjoyed reading it even though I didn't know anything about hockey but was able to enjoy the relationships that were formed with the team.

Dea Spears: These are the type of stories I love to read. I hope I can see your work in NovelStar. There are also a lot of talented writers in that platform. You may check their group on Facebook.

Dea Spears: Looks promising. You can broaden your audience by publishing your story on NovelStar Mobile App.

clmorciglio1: Like story line. It make you want to read more.

Deign Pen: It kept me completely enthralled all the way thru. If you have some great stories like this one, you can publish it on Novel Star, just submit your story to [email protected] or [email protected]

kremanuel86: I'm so excited I cant wait to keep reading!

lisamariedent: Great storyline and great characters

More Recommendations

Claire Morrison: This is as good as the other 2 books.

Claire Morrison: I read the 3rd book thinking it was a stand alone never realised there was 2 before it. The writer has good descriptions and it she has used a little of her personal life I wonder what she has lived through. Well worth reading.

Catherine: Good book. A must read

Kellyan David: I really liked but it's not the ending I was hoping for. I really enjoy reading and the ending made it a bit real and not fiction because ppl do go through things like that. I'm happy they stuck together through it all

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