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Hands OFF!

By TheClandestineGerbil All Rights Reserved ©

Other / Humor

Blurb

To what lengths would you go to save your breakfast? Well, to one person, that would be worth a hand and very nearly a foot.

Hands OFF!

I never thought I’d have to live the rest of my life without my right hand. But that was before it happened. I woke up this morning thinking it’d be just another day in paradise. I drank my fruit-vegetable shake while contemplating the mysteries of the universe, but suddenly my dreamlike reverie was shattered by the burst of blue light emanating from my microwave.

Hmmm, I thought, why is that bizarre ultramarine-coloured stream of photons exiting my kitchen appliance? Surely the aliens don’t want my toast. They never have. The thing was, the aliens did want my toast.

“Greetings, Earthling,” one said as it crawled out of the microwave. “Hand over the toast or we toast your hand.”

Sarcastic aliens are the worst, I thought. Little did I know that sarcastic aliens were the least of my problems. That didn’t occur to me at that moment because I was being surrounded by sarcastic aliens demanding my toast and looking hungrily at my hand. Despite their attempts to disguise it, most were salivating enthusiastically. My hand was beginning to burn a little.

“Hand over the toast,” they insisted insistently. Reflexively, I clutched the piece of perfectly golden brown whole wheat bread covered in delectable grape jelly the perfect ratio of smooth-to-crunchy peanut butter closer to my chest, not caring that it would stain. My toast had to be saved.

“No,” I replied with vigor and the belief in the fact that I would save my toast.

One of the aliens, the fifth from the left, glanced towards the bluest of them all and eagerly asked, “Can we do it yet? Can we? Caaaaan weeeeeeeeeeeeeee?”

“We will tell you again,” said Mr. I-am-so-very-blue, ignoring his subordinate that had just spoken. “Hand over the toast and we will not toast your hand.”

I frowned, not liking their ultimatum. On the one hand (no pun intended), I was fond of the idea of having–and keeping–all ten digits, but on the other, I was very partial to my toast. Making a split second decision, I ran out of my kitchen. Before long, the pounding of extraterrestrial boots could be heard throughout the house. But, Alleluiapraisethechoirofangelsonhigh, I had a plan.

Even if the aliens found the blueprint of the house that was sitting on the table by the television in the living room, they would not know that I had a secret laboratory under the basement. When I reached said place, I shouted, “Release the Rhino!” at the top of my lungs. The doors parted and I was safe.

It was only later that I realised my right hand had been severed and was now sitting on the other side of the steel portal I had come through. Oh well, at least I have my toast and left hand, I told myself. And I’m not human. Thank God for those starfish genes grafted into my already multi-species deoxyribonucleic acid.

After five minutes of patient waiting, I realised it had not been starfish genes but actually star-nosed mole genes the mad scientists had used. By then, though, I was already half dead from blood loss so there was nothing else I could do but eat my toast.


THE END

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Further Recommendations

Shanae Wilson: This is so funny and awesome and I'll definitely share this with my friends . Keep up the good work. I almost wet myself reading this You let you imagination run wild , my dear authorI don't know what else to say because it not letting me pass without 150 characters. But truly I'm very speechless...

Dakshita Jain: So first point, I would like to make is that this story is not cliche. And female protagonist is not portrayed as someone who is weak and can be bullied. I love how the author has really worked upon the plot as it seemed more realistic. The characters are really thought through and I love this st...

priscilaacedo: I was so hooked I reas it in less than 8 hours. I laughed, cried, got frustrated, i even, to some point, related with her and started questioning how I’m living my life and the relationships I have with my sister. Definitely one of the best book I’ve ever read!

Alisa Uzice: I enjoyed this book so much. I just started and couldn't stop. Very well written.

Chocolate_Thunder: The stop by of a boss and a securityThere is a lot of superfluous description that could be cut and more dialogue and action that could be added to this story. This story is one of a kind not like the other cliche ones out there. The characters and the plot twists are great. Although there is som...

Chewie Redbird: Oh my God! This book is so addictive that I just read the whole in under 12 hours! I want to read more! I couldn't stop reading! It was too good to stop! I need more! I laughed and cried and felt angry! I'm so invested in the characters and the plot that I'm hurt there isn't more! I can't wait to...

Dikshasingh1611: Great Story!!! Epilogue would be nice

Catherine Davis: Your writing in this book is incredible. But as a writer I'd like to give you some constructive criticism for you to be able to make this and your future books as best as possible. Some of the writing switched a lot, for instance in parts of the book the names were spelled incorrectly or not capi...

Danielle Barrington: Love the fact that you do the whole flashback ordeal. Amazing job! Can't wait to see what the next chapter will be like!

More Recommendations

Wade Arndt: Over all very touching story. The prologue brought tears to my eyes. There were quite a few misused words. And no description of the main characters physical attributes. Having said that, I thought it was wonderful. I'll be reading it again.

TeAbuttery: I love this book. Honestly, the best I have ever read.

Jesse Mae: The book is amazing and filled with tons of drama. The grammar could use a little work but nothing to bad. Overall a great book.

Deleted User: Great story I loved it

Aishwarya pillai: It was AWESOME STORY I LOVED it definitely gonna READ AGAINALSO THIS MADE ME TEMPTING.....😈😍😍😍😍😍😍😗😗😗😗😗😗😗😙😙😙😙😙😙😙😘😘😘😘😘😚

bethann822001: Good story line

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