Nervous. That’s all I felt.
Nervous when I woke up.
Nervous when I drove to school.
Nervous during my lectures.
Nervous during Maren’s mentoring session.
A week had passed by. I had already collected the results from the clinic and bought three pregnancy tests as soon as I was done with my lectures for the day. I had planned on opening the results and taking the tests as soon as I got home to confirm if I was indeed pregnant. The very thought of such a possibility was enough to put me on edge all day.
I tried to sketch something in my sketch book but I wasn’t able to focus and couldn’t control the shaking in my hand, making a lot of mistakes and erasing them. But watching Matthew directing the photoshoot and what needed to be done was calming and relaxing to say the least – especially how he a lot of work and enthusiasm into his work ethic.
“Okay, let’s break.” He announced. “We’ll start again in fifteen minutes.”
Everyone scattered around the studio, going about their business.
“Hey,” he smiled, approaching me.
“Hey,” I smiled, putting my sketchpad aside. I noticed Maren was nowhere to be found. “Where’s Maren?”
“I sent her to the storage to get a few things for the shoot with Donna. I hope those two don’t kill each other on the way there.”
I chuckled at his remark.
“Yeah…I’m fine. Just tired.”
He furrowed his eyebrows, staring at me dubiously. “You seem more distressed than tired.”
“Well it’s been a stressful week so yeah. I am a bit distressed.”
That the chances of me being pregnant and you being the father are close to high but I’m definitely not gonna say that since I’m yet to take the test and see for myself and I’m very my anxious on your reaction when I do tell you eventually.
I sighed. “I don’t really feel like getting into it at the moment.”
“Oh…” his expression dropped.
“It’s not that I don’t trust you or anything. I do. I really do.” I quickly said know that he was going to take it the wrong way. “It’s just…it’s a lot to unpack and my emotions are all over the place.”
“Not talking about it won’t make it any better either, Beverley.” He pointed out.
“I know but I’ll tell you eventually. Just not now, okay?”
He stared at me as though he was searching for a lie or anything to explain my reluctance until he sighed. “Alright.” He relented. “I’ll wait until you’re ready to talk. You should probably go home and rest if whatever it is, is causing you this much distress.”
“But the shoot ain’t done yet. If you haven’t already noticed, I’m basically Maren’s chauffer.”
“I’ll take care of it. I’ll just tell her that you weren’t feeling too well.”
I pressed my lips into a thin line and sighed. “Okay. But you don’t have to do this for me.”
“It’s fine. I’m willing to help when I can.” He smiled.
I smiled back. “Thanks.”
Matthew looked around to see if anyone was watching. He surprised me when he removed my glasses and kissed my lips. I sighed into the kiss, bringing my hands to his shoulders as I deepened the kiss. “Drive safely, okay?” he whispered against my lips.
“Okay.” I answered breathlessly, still dazed from the kiss.
He smiled and pecked my lips before putting my glasses back on. “I’ve always like women who wear glasses. I get to take them off and put them on for them.” He said.
I laughed. “You’re such a dork.”
“I try.” He replied. “I better get back to work. I’ll text you.”
He waved as he walked away.
I waved back with a shy smile on my face and I was positive that my cheeks were redder than a tomato.
I was in the kitchen with Gran as she was preparing supper. “You’re awfully quiet.” She commented. “Quieter than usual if I might add.”
“It’s nothing. Just have a lot on my mind.” I answered.
I was quiet for a moment.
“What was your reaction when you found out you were pregnant with dad?”
Gran quickly glanced at me before looking back at the pot of soup she was stirring. “Why do you ask?”
She closed the pot and looked at me. “I was scared like any eighteen year old would have been.” She told me. “My parents were strict so I was obviously afraid of the backlash if they found out that I got knocked up before marriage. I was afraid of how your grandfather was going to react. I was worried about how I was going to support myself since I didn’t have a stable job if your grandfather wasn’t going to help raise your father. But I knew that I had to tell them eventually – and I did.”
“How did it turn out?”
“As expected my parents were furious with me and kicked me out the house. Your grandfather, however, surprised me.” She smiled. He was very ecstatic about it. He offer to let me stay with him and his parents until he saved enough money to get our own place. His parents were really lovely. They supported me even after your grandfather passed away.
“The thing about pregnancy is that, as much as the thought of having a child in nine being all joy and happiness, it’s a total nightmare for some. Especially when you’re so young and when you have to go through the process alone with no one to support you. Even after giving birth.” She said. “If I hadn’t had your grandfather and his parents by my side, I don’t know what I would have done.”
I pressed my lips together, nodding my head.
“Honey, is there someone you know who’s pregnant?” Gran asked.
I froze but still kept quiet.
“Beverley.” She said, now getting concerned.
I let out a ragged sigh and took out the result slip and the pregnancy tests that I hid on my lap underneath the table. I watched her face turned pale and her eyes widen on sight as I pushed the items towards her. I could already tell that she knew where this conversation was heading.
“Whose are those?” She asked.
She took the folded result slip and opened. Her eyes quickly scanned through the document before meeting my gaze with disbelief written in her eyes.
“I’m pregnant.” I told her
The silence in the kitchen was still. I didn’t dare to say a word as I continued staring into the disbelief that remained in Gran’s eyes after she read the slip with the results. She wanted to say something or at least demand what was going on and how it led to where we were but she appeared to be at a loss of words or had no will to speak after the bombshell I dropped on her.
“It all started during the Eaglesvale trip. It was supposed to be a one nightstand but it turned into casual sex.” I started. “I thought we were careful. I was sure of it and – well – this happened.”
The still silence still hung in the air around us.
“Say something.” I said almost desperately.
“I don’t know what to say to you, Beverley.” She answered stiffly. “I wish I did but I don’t.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Are you mad?”
“I’m not mad. I’m disappointed.”
I felt a pang in my chest and my heart drop into my stomach and looked down. Her response was expected that much I knew. She wasn’t condescending about it, but it didn’t change the fact that her words hurt me.
“Beverley, you’re a university student. What makes you think you can balance school and being a parent?” she said. “Your father is not going to be pleased when he finds out.”
“I know and I’m sorry.” I said.
She sighed. “Do you know who the father is? Are you still in touch with him?”
“Okay. Who is he?”
“It’s Matthew, the guy who took me out the other time. He’s Maren’s mentor.”
Gran’s eyes widened. “Oh dear God.”
“Okay, I know it sounds bad –“
“Sounds bad? Honey, this sounds like something I expect from a tele nova. That’s as bad as sleeping with your best friend’s brother.”
Okay. So it’s that bad.
“Does Maren know?” she asked.
“I do now.”
We all turned our attention to the source and lo and behold, there stood Maren at the kitchen entrance. Her arms were folded to her chest and she had an unreadable look on her face. It was at that very moment I wanted the ground to swallow me so bad.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Matthew told me you were sick, so I decided to stop by and check on you.” She answered
“Um…how much of our conversation did you hear?” Gran asked.
“All of it.”
I heard Gran mutter an awkward ‘okay’ before proceeding to fall into silence.
“I had a feeling that whatever’s going on between you two was more than just friends hanging out especially after you asked about Lenore.” She said. “And I thought you’d be careful around him. I even told you to be careful and you assured me that you’d be careful but that was a fucking lie.”
I was silent.
“How could you be so reckless to chase after him after what I told you about his previous relationship.” She berated. “Now we have a baby being thrown into this entanglement.”
“As reckless as she was, she didn’t mean for it to happen.” Gran said firmly, coming into my defence. “She made a mistake.”
“She made a mistake not listening to me and not saying shit before this happened.” She fired back. “She had every opportunity to say something yet she chose not to.”
I slammed my hands on the table, feeling a wave of anger wash over. “I don’t have to tell you everything that goes on in my life and that certainly does not give you the right to be up in my business all the damn time.” I snapped at her. “I had my reasons for not telling you.”
“So when were you going to tell me, huh? When I start noticing the pregnancy bump in your second trimester or when you eventually give birth? Do you even have a plan on what to do after finding out that you’re a baby mama?”
“That’s my business. Not yours, Maren.”
“I’m asking the important questions here! You are so impulsive when it comes to making your decisions that you completely over look the consequences until they blow up in your face! You know this. But here we are, in this kitchen finding out your ass is pregnant.”
“You’re full of shit.”
“I’m trying to help!”
“Then do so without being up in my business and being a bitch about it!”
With that said, I stormed out of the kitchen and went up to my study.