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Chapter Twenty-One

The next morning, I wake up drenched. I swear this is getting worse and seems to follow me wherever I go. What the fudge is it? I feel disgusting. I’m not ready to get up yet though, I’ll wash whatever it is off in a bit. This is just getting from bad to worse. I’m filled with dread. I’m doing what people are thinking of as a bad thing. They just can’t see it from my point of view. I guess they don’t want to feel like they’ve contributed to the mindset. They’d have to live with that on their concision. When I replay the conversations I’ve in my mind, I realize that they are nodding and looking down when I say about it being a problem that needs addressing at some point. They know deep down but it just goes against their human nature.

As I’m thinking to myself in silence, I see the smoke alarm on the ceiling flashing periodically. Except, it seems to only flash when I think of something deep, like it’s being manipulated to indicate “agreed.” Anything that is on, they’ll manipulate. Somehow.

I find myself asking questions to myself/them. Things that I need to know. I need confirmation. I need someone to give me advice, someone who knows a bit more than these benched people. At least I won’t be looked at as a nutter to the other side. They must think it’s normal to have one-way telepathic conversations with closed-mouth people and responding through their almost magic-like ways.

When I’m asking questions that they think is worthy enough to answer, if the smoke alarm has had a recent flash and it would be too soon to be blatantly noticeable; they’ll give me clicks and cracks of the house. It could sound like I’ve just lost it think-talking to the noises of the house and an LED light, but why would the clicks and flashes always be at the end of a question? Surely, they’d just be random. Not at the end, pretty much every time. Ooh, there’s a hole you might think, “pretty much every time.” Well, I’d say it’s more than 90% of the time. I think they’ve put that extra 10% of randomness just to make me question my sanity, and to have deniability. If they were too obvious, it would just be blatant. At least with occasional randomness, it can all be denied. If they have the technology to mind read, others will probably have it too. If they are listening to my thoughts, it would be undeniable that it is a conversation without the occasional random noise. I realize that this mindset might just be my own dulusional paranoia kicking in and trying to convince myself of its reality. But the conversation with G at the start of all this happened when I was completely normal. There have been too many obvious manipulations to doubt the plausibility of the subtle ones.

Even in films, they’ll choose actors and actresses that look very similar to people in my life if they are talking about something that the person in my life would be talking about. But instead of having bright blonde hair, they’d have a bright red. What seems the easiest aspect to change, so I’d recognize them, but they make it so if I ever say; “that’s been changed so it looks like her.” The obvious response would be, “well they got her hair color totally wrong so are you sure it’s not just in your head?”

I feel like I have to keep convincing you, the reader that it is real. This is because when I try to convince people in my life, they just can’t accept that so many things are going on and to the scale that they are.

I’d be more inclined to believe I was completely doolally if I was just some idiot. I’m not that smart but I’ve come up with enough to prove my leadership, resourcefulness, and reaction thinking that they’re clearly looking for. I’m going to think of more just to prove it to everyone and myself.

I know in what order I’m thinking, I think of something, then after my sentence has finished, there’s a reaction. Not the other way around. The reaction isn’t imagined, it’s part of the conversation on the TV, on the radio, or it seems when people talk as well. This hasn’t happened too much by now, the people around me being manipulated that is. But who knows to what extent they can control people. How far does the rabbit hole go? That’s probably the scariest and most unsettling one. We’re all used to getting information from the media, but not from someone controlling what people say.

I turn on the laptop. I need to research everything. Is Pope Benedict still about? Yes, he is. No news there. That retaliation seems to suggest otherwise. Why would they be so cross if I didn’t even get him? Or have they not announced it? Flash of the smoke alarm for that one. Ahh. Well, they wouldn’t want to say that he got rushed for trying to end someone on the bench. That would be unheard-of. He just exudes an evil aura. He even looks like he’s a half-lizard half-human. To know that there is so much pedophilia associated with the pope ring makes it fair to think that he has been a ring leader for a very long time. To me, that is the epitome of evil. To do bad things to an innocent child and ruin the rest of their lives because they are subjected to bad things too early in the development stage of their life really fudges them up and is wrong. So wrong.

If there was a list of people who should not be on this earth, it would be pedophiles at the top of the list. With them gone, there will be less learned behavior being passed down through the generations. It just breeds fudged up people who end up breaking and becoming bad themselves. Another flash of light. ‘I’m not even talking to you. I’m just thinking. Out loud inevitably, but I’m just thinking to myself.’

‘Fine. Seeing as you’re here and listening to me. And seeing as you’re set on purging people, then go for the pedophiles. The world will be a better place without them destroying children’s minds. I’m fudged anyway by the sounds of things, so I may as well take the nonces down with me if anything else. Anyone who’s backing them will be looked at questionably. Obviously, consider all the variables of things and make sure it’s totally legal. But I’d definitely back it if it was legal. If it’s legal for our powers to kill in my country, and they’re in my country, then we can get it done within the law.’

I might get royally fudged over by this. But if my country is successful and the laws have been agreed upon by other countries as well as the UN, then other jurisdictions should not have any say in how we operate. Some countries have capital punishment, others don’t. Some still have laws to have thieves’ hands cut off and people stoned to death for what other countries would consider a petty crime. Sharia law for example is particularly harsh to anyone who breaks the law. People in North Korea get executed for defacing a picture of the leader and even for fortune-telling! Countries have their own laws. If we agree that’s our laws, then it remains. As long as my solicitors make a solid set of laws that have been approved by as many authorities as possible. This might just be alright. I mean, I’m still waking up alive every morning so far, despite the constant threats of my life.

All I’m actually doing is threatening them back. If my people complete the request, is that my fault? I don’t even know if anyone is doing anything for starters. This might just be a fudged up game of testing. No people might be harmed in the life testing scenarios that I’m going through. How am I to know? I’m just going to play this like it’s a simulation. Plus I’m not hearing anything about a new country anywhere on the internet. Nothing about purging. Nothing about anything recent whatsoever. There’s no law against thinking. But this still feels like a kamikaze.

Serena walks into the living room where my bed has been set up. She catches me by surprise while I’m deep in my justification speech with my mind. I think she was watching me for a while based on the way she’s looking at me.

We talk a little and get the formalities out the way. She then makes some breakfast and I pick up where I left off. She watches me out of the corner of her eye while preparing and looks questionably at the fact that I’m staring intently at the wall. When the smoke alarm flashes, I nod my head like it was a signal. She looks freaked out and perplexed, then worried when she puts the dots together.

I give her a look like ‘yeah, they’re in that too.’ She looks at me like ‘fudging hell, who has my step-son become. Scary.’ I know she knows; she’s had the night to think about it and put the pieces together. She’s beginning to believe.

“Shall we put a film on?” I ask. “Okay, let’s do that.” She replies in a strange-sounding voice. She wants to be sure and I know that the proof is in the pudding. She needs more ‘coincidences’ to happen to be sure. I mean, to accept something like this, you need to be sure. Otherwise, you’d be going mental just because someone else has gone mental and convinced you to go down that path.

Sure enough, repeated coincidences are staring her in her face. She looks more annoyed than anything. Why is this opportunity not happening to one of her children? I’m not her blood and also the youngest. Plus, the things I’ve talked about isn’t the path I should be going down. I can see the anger build up inside her which she tries to conceal. She then makes her excuses to busy herself with something else.

Why wouldn’t she want to watch this? I mean, watching TV is one thing but witnessing this amazing technology in action is another. Sure, some messages are not what she wants to hear. But it’s not the content, it’s the means of communication that is what’s worth taking in.

She’s had enough. She doesn’t want to believe and when she gets the chance to, she does everything and anything to avoid it. Her kids are the successful ones, not me. I never saw it that way before this trip, but now it’s clear. Instead of being on my side due to family connection, she’s against me. I mean, my reasons for saving the planet are just that, it’s to save the planet against its own destruction. I thought out of anyone, a hippy earth-loving person like herself would understand that. The earth’s longevity should go in front of everything else, including human life.

Greenpeace and wildlife preservation activists may care about the planet, but it seems that human life still comes first. I’m not suggesting one or the other. There will still be plenty of people, just not an excessive unmanageable amount. That’s it. I’m not blood-thirsty. I don’t get any joy or pleasure knowing that people could die. But I’m looked at as a problem that needs to be righted. Should I be killed in that case? Am I a problem in the world that needs to go? Then what? We carry on staying oblivious to our problem, ignore it and never speak of it again. Until we have to that is. Deal with it when we’ve completely over-run this beautiful planet and made it ugly.

We’ve evolved to have inelegant minds. We’ve developed foresight. To ‘believe’ that we can see into the future and where we will be may sound unbelievable. To not believe that means we don’t know what the future will hold. But we do. We can see into the future, if we can go back and then come forward, why can’t we go past today’s date? And if we can’t and this is all just some crazy bullshiz that I was stupid enough to believe through some tricks that were everything but time travel; then we have no idea what the future will hold? Please. We are smart, far smarter than we used to be. We are connected, globally. We can pre-empt so many things. We may be a bit off sometimes, but it could be foreseen by a child that if we keep doubling in population, at some point we’re going to be too many.

Seeing someone angry at me for thinking logically and having things verified makes me angry. If I haven’t heard a reasonable response to the argument, then I’ve won the argument. If I’ve won, why won’t she be persuaded that I’m right? Is she just annoyed that she can’t win the argument? Or is she just annoyed that I have chosen life loss? Am I too stupid in her eyes to make that decision? Am I being too quick to choose that? What is the reason? Saying nothing is sometimes worse. At least with a response, I can process it and see it from her side. All I’m hearing is that “it’s bad.” Well, I think “it’s bad” that we do nothing and let bad happen.

I go for a long walk. I need to get out of here, for a bit. Hopefully she will see things as a whole.

I don’t take anything with me and this area is in the middle of nowhere. No civilization for miles and miles on an overcast day. I see some wild horses on the mountain which run away. I then call them and walk to them slowly with some fresh grass from beside the river.

These are very wild horses. They clearly have lived free on the mountains for a long time and don’t come to humans like domesticated ones. Eventually one started coming towards me. The other horses looked shocked. But with very slow footsteps forward, he wasn’t frightened.

I came very close to feeding it and stroking it, but it bolted right at the last minute. I may seem crazy to many people, but at least the horses don’t look at me in any other way than just a human. Anyway, that was something to do while I’m not in the city. I sit on a rock for a while, take in the scenery and clear my head without thinking of anything. Just grounding myself and relaxing.

When I get back, I can tell that Serena has made her decision. And she’s not on my side. She still plays the host by offering food. Soon followed by, “When are you thinking of going back home?” I explained when I got there that I was in a bad place and hoped to stay at least a week for things to quieten down. But she’s already talking about me leaving. I offer to pay her money to stay, but she refuses anything from me, with a lip curl like she’d not want anything from my evil self.

Maybe I am in the wrong. But I feel cornered now. Everyone is against me on the bench as well as too many people who are off the bench. My chances seem to be dwindling by the day. I feel that I can’t convince her, so I ask to put the TV on as it’s been a long day. When I flick through the three channels that get signal, I pick the one that’s not currently showing adverts.

It starts with a scene where someone is feeding horses. A character then says, “You’re a horse whisperer.” I’m surprised that they could see me up there. But then I’m surprised at the fact that I’m surprised. I felt like it was just me there on the mountain. I didn’t think-talk at all; it didn’t even cross my mind. Of course they can see me there. There’s me thinking the clouds would stop them from spying from above. They would have developed something to stop the clouds from being a problem. So, at all times, wherever I am, as quiet it is, I’m always watched. Goodbye any sliver of privacy, I guess.

After me being as polite as I can be, we start to talk about a hippy sanctuary that her friend has been to and that I should potentially consider going to for a few months. It will cost around £5,000 but unfortunately, my money is running out.

“It does sound like a good idea but I’m going to have to sell my house before I can do that.” I said to Serena. She looks at me doubtfully, like I don’t even have a house to sell. If I was lying about everything, I may as well lie that I’ve got a house as well just to increase my credibility. I think she questions the fact that I’ve got a nice car and other things to suggest that I have my life together. Everything I’m saying is under scrutiny.

I then decide to show her proof that I’m not making everything up, so I show her the ring that I’ve got with me. She looks disgustingly at it followed by envy, but still doubtful. She has the ‘I’m not falling for that’ look on her face. Well, I’d understand if it was a flawless diamond. They are far easier to re-create. With inclusions, they are impossible to make. So, it must be real. It is clearly a diamond, not another stone because of its reflectiveness. So why won’t that sink in? She’s too far in the denial stage. If she allows herself to believe some things, then she’ll risk believing things that she refuses to. Maybe she thinks I stole it. That’s a plausible thought, I guess. I mean, I did rock up here in old clothes and a mental look on my face, who knows what I’ve actually done. It seems like she hardly knows me anymore.

“I’ll be putting my house on the market soon. If I could maybe borrow some money and pay you back once it’s sold, then I’ll be able to go to the sanctuary and clear my head?” I feel terrible for asking, but I think it is a good idea.

“Well, why don’t you just sell that thing in that case.” She says.

“If I try to make a quick sale, I will get way less for it than what it is truly worth.” I have a think about things, but I don’t want to sell this ring. I just feel it in my bones that I shouldn’t.

That probably makes me look even crazier to have an engagement ring with nobody to propose to, but I don’t care. If I’m the only one who understands, then that’s still enough for me. I’m on my side, even if everyone else isn’t. I’m not going to be a sheep and convince myself I’m nuts just because the truth is too big to swallow for everyone else.

I think through the sanctuary and decide against it. It’s just going to be full of people who won’t believe me and make me annoyed that they think I’m lying. I’ll still be watched by the other side, and they’ll still communicate with me. I might make some crazy and the others hate me. It won’t be good in my opinion. There’s no getting away from this. The only solution is to get in deep and try my best to get through it. If nobody’s going to support me, then it’s a lone mission that I just have to complete.

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