I’m in a right predicament. I’ve asked Serena not to share any of what I’ve told her for her safety and mine. She agrees, but I don’t know if she will. My half-sister comes over to visit. She’s happy to see me but looks at me with sorrow in her eyes. Sorrow for me. She’s slowed down her speech right down, like she’s talking to someone handicapped. Okay, she already knows. Great. But she just knows that ‘I’ve gone mental.’ Not the full story. Not the truth. Just what Serena’s view is on it.
Because she doesn’t bring it up, I don’t say anything about it. It might be worse that I’ve told Serena not to say anything because I know that my sister knows and if I say anything, she’ll probably deny it because it was told to her with ‘I promised that I wouldn’t say anything so don’t tell him or anyone.’ As per a secret that has been shared is usually accompanied with.
It was good to catch up but a shame that she thinks I’ve lost it. I just accept it instead of trying to convince her that I’m not. To be honest, anyone who’s crazy always thinks they’re not and tries to convince people that they’re not and that their thoughts are sane. That path just makes them sound more and more insane. Especially if they’re saying things like; world leaders listen to me and I’m deciding on world events. Just after a big break up and getting fired, so I’m clearly in ‘life break down’ territory.
Maybe I should have just hung myself when I was close to. Everyone’s against me, even the people closest to me. People off the bench clearly want me dead, so I may as well just do them all a favor and do it. Jesus died for people’s sins so why shouldn’t I?
I’ve got my knife, which will be more than adequate. I should really die on a cross to be symbolic. The problem with that is its a more than one-person job.
‘If you’re going to do it, you could put me on a crucifix,’ I think-talked.
“We actually really like that idea.” Was the response. It could be a better way to go, at least then people looking back will think “It’s happened again, let’s make sure it wasn’t for no reason and no change.”
Fudge it. I’ll sleep on it and then if I still think it’s a good idea, I’ll just go to the bend in the river where the water pools and slit my wrists then my throat and wash the river red and be done with it. It’s what people want, so I’ll just do it. It’s the perfect place for it and it can’t go wrong if I do it in that order.
As I’m thinking about it, there are sadness and sorrow messages on the TV. I guess they’ve pushed me too far and the actual fans are making an appearance. It’s warming but I can’t get the image of a bloodied river with my drained corpse out of my head. At least the effort of everything will be over. I don’t think when you die that’s it, so I’m not too bothered about dying. I’ve done more than enough in this life to make a difference. This is clearly not going to stop any time soon and at least I’ll be the one that ends it, not someone else who gets bragging rights for the rest of his days.
In the morning, I’m still thinking about it. I thought sleeping on it would make me change my mind, but it’s not a good sign if I still think it’s a good idea the next day.
“These ones have done it. But we didn’t like that ending, so we went with this one.” Morning message comes through. What is that supposed to mean? ‘These ones?’ They’re talking like there are other versions of me. And they chose me as the one that they want to watch and continue with? They’ve made references to other versions of me before. But if they choose my version each time, then they wanted to push me to the edge. Bastards.
Part of me is proud of the other versions of myself to actually go through with it. I wasn’t sure if I’d back out last minute and pussy out. But if I did, that’s brave. Does that actually mean that there’re versions of me that they can choose to go with? That has a lot of implications if that is the case.
After a load of back and forths, I’ve established that what I’ve read has not been misinterpreted. That would mean that there are multiple timelines for me to go down. Not only that, but they can choose which one they want to go with. That’s kind of opened my eyes to the reality of free choice, not just a set path that we’re all on and every decision has been predetermined on a time-line path that we were always going to do and if someone can travel back and forward in time; the person they are watching would always do the same thing every time.
So, there is free choice and some randomness of which we will choose. But how can they decide which one to go with? That’s a level of technology that’s even bigger than I can wrap my head around right now. If they chose this one, why is my mind still in the one that doesn’t kill himself? If some do, surely, it’s also random on which one I personally feel that I’m living? If not this time, what’s stopping me from becoming the one who does next time or the one that is shot dead or run over whenever an enemy gets through to me?
If there was no way to choose which version they want me to live, then there are some maths to go through here.
Near infinite possible future paths that will be random to the one that I end up going on. If the one that the other side chooses to follow is different from the one I end up experiencing then the numbers are really against me. Let’s just reduce the number from near-infinite to something like 1 in 10 choices that they will choose every day. Then, on day 1, I’ve got only a 1 in 10 chance that I’ll be on the one they are watching. The next day I’d have to get lucky enough to be on that winning streak again, and as we go through, it’s less and less likely for me to be on the path that they chose. As months go by, it is near impossible that I’d be on the path they wanted.
What happens to the versions of me that they don’t choose? Do they just get ignored and all the other powers just leave them to their own devices? Maybe. If bad people are against me, how will they know which one in the future to target? Can we make decoys? This has just got far more complicated than I first thought. Complicated but fascinating. How do they even select and look into which timeline I’m on? How do they know in the one they look at, what the change that is different in that one? Is there some kind of tracking program that collates all events until that point that can be read by the viewer? Maybe. This opens up so many doors to technology, but I’m sure they’ve had as much ‘time’ that they need to develop technologies to overcome the issues it faces. Time has such a different meaning with all of this.
“You’ll always experience the one that we choose. Don’t worry. You’re not ever going to be the one that we don’t choose.” Well if they say that then great, but how do I know? Well, this has been going on for a few months now so if I’d have gone on a different path than they wanted, I’d most likely be on it by now. So, I’ll just have to take their word for it. Whoever these people are, just went way up in my rating of how big they are. If they can make these choices of which path the world goes on, they are to some extent; gods.
I’m surprised they are so rude and such wind-ups considering how big they actually are. It seems a bit childish. Nevertheless, they do, and they are absolutely huge. Great. This is going to be even harder, if not impossible to get anyone to ever believe this. They’ll need the proof. That’s the only time they will ever believe. If they can see the crystal ball or whatever they used to view everything and if they can see and have a go in their time machine or whatever they use. That’s the only time they’ll fully believe. Seeing their magic through their means is one thing, but to fully believe, they have to see more than manipulations.
If there are all possible decisions that I can make that have different time-lines in the future, there are going to be a lot. If there are also timelines of each different combination of decisions of other people and factors such as weather variations, accidents, malfunctions of things etcetera, then there will basically be a near-infinite number of timelines, always branching off. The further in the future they look, the more variations will have been chosen, and quite difficult to know which path I will actually go down. If they always look way into the future and it’s overpopulated and a worse world or a destroyed world from war, then they’ll know it is an issue. But there will be so many to check.
In that case, they need to be as thorough as possible in checking. Not just think of other options, but also to check all futures where all options have been thought of down that path and applied. If there is any way that we can live in balance with the earth, that has been discovered down the line while avoiding genocide. Then that would be a preferable way to go.
These thoughts have just opened my mind. It’s made me want to know more and just go along for the ride. It’s worth it. If I get through this, I’ll actually get to see their technology in action, get to go to different times and different time-lines. It’s going to be fascinating.
Maybe that was what I needed to talk me out of suicide? I think so. There wasn’t much else that could have stopped me. Ironically, coming here made things worse but the people who are driving me to my death are the very people who saved me.
Come to think about it, there’s even more irony in this. If this is the case then we have free choice that varies. For anyone else going through life, has a slightly unpredictable choice. Where they end is just luck of the draw. Where I end, is already planned even if it is tweaked while we go along. That to some degree takes me ‘free choice’ away from me. Any time I make a decision they don’t want me to do, they’ll just choose the version that doesn’t make that decision! Where’s the free choice then? I’m just going along for the ride in that case. Just when I thought there’s no more privacy and life invasion they can do, I find out that they’ve taken a whole load of my free choice away.
What I do, what I think in times to come, will be what they wanted me to. I still have to do it and think about it, but I’m going along for a ride now. Riding my time-line that the way they want me to. Great. Is that a bad thing or a good thing?
Well, it’s safer if they’ve got my best intentions in mind. Even if they’re making out that they don’t, maybe they’re just doing that to toughen me up. But a bit demotivating. How will I even know if that is the case? What if I go on a protest and do nothing more? How can I stop this or be in control of myself a bit more?
All things I’ll have to keep in the back of my mind as I go forward. It’s another ‘they probably can, but can’t be sure’ scenario. I’ll figure something out, but for now, I need my subconscious brain to mull things over.
I’m starting to realize that being here has served its purpose. I don’t need to be here much longer. I need to get my house finished as a starting point. My money is going down far quicker than I’d hoped and the other side don’t seem to be coming to collect me so there’s no point playing the waiting game here.
Furthermore, I’m in Serenas’ head, and she’s against me. I’ve been away from my home for long enough and think-talked to the other side; ‘If they’re on my side then clean up my house as much as you can so that it’s safe for me to return. Get rid of any bugs and anything that could damage me.’
They can do it however they want. Just send in some people in tradesman clothes and time it where no neighbors are looking. Do the job and leave. Simple.
I need to get back there by the looks of things. I’ve outstayed my welcome in too many places. Blown too many people’s heads. It’s not helping me get through things having them think I’m crazy. It’s making things worse. I’m starting to realize that the less I say the better. If they read things through messages, I will just say nothing about it. They can freak out and come to their own conclusions, but it’s not going to help me if they can’t handle what I’m saying to them as the truth.
I can’t keep waiting for the other side to come. If I do, I won’t have enough money to pay for my children and general living costs. I’m going to need to apply for work, my time off is coming to an end. It will probably help me to work with others and having a bit of normality amongst people who aren’t freaked out.
I need to unwind but putting anything on the TV or streaming through the computer, but it just makes my mind race even more. I have a look on the bookshelf and start reading an appropriate book about global control and distribution of wealth. It seemed quite convenient that it was there considering all other books were unrelated. As I read through it, it makes me realize I need to learn as much as I can to give myself a standing chance. Did they know that I’d be here so went back to make sure Serena was gifted it a few years ago? Who knows. Everything that was normal, is now questionable.
I didn’t expect this trip to go down this path. I feel closer to killing myself and having people convinced I’ve completely lost the plot is doing nothing good for me.
“Thank you Serena for having me. I think I’m going to go back home now.”
“Okay, well, look after yourself.” She replied. If she was more supportive, I think she’d have asked me to stay longer. But I have to leave here and the only place left to go is my building site.
“I’ll give you a lift to the train station if you’d like.” I accept the offer, pack my small bag of clothes and we leave for the station. The drive down was uncomfortably quiet, it felt like the longest half an hour has felt in a very long time.
My train arrives. I don’t care if any cameras see me. I don’t need to hide my path. Whatever fate awaits me, I’ll embrace it. I feel like a broken man with nobody on my side.
If this is to build my character; then it has its purpose. Will they continue their abuse? I guess I’ll find out soon enough.
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