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Chapter Four

The time off over the Christmas period was a welcome break. I had a great time giving my children my undivided attention and taking my mind off things. As difficult as it was to see my youngest as not my own, it didn’t make me enjoy her company any less. I just kept getting feelings of hatred towards her mother for what felt like; taking her away from me.

While helping tidy up toys with Poppy, my youngest daughter, I asked her a question that I would never normally do; It was to verify if Stacey was telling the truth about what she had been doing that week. She claims to have met her mother one day otherwise stayed in because of the terrible weather.

“Have you been anywhere nice while daddie has been in work?” I asked her.

“Yes, I mean, no!” Poppy responded. That was not what I was expecting. Despite the statement of hearing that she wasn’t mine, Stacey has never done anything to make me question her honesty. Maybe I was just too trusting of her.

“Well, which one is it, yes or no? Did you visit your grandmother?”

“No, we didn’t see grandma. We….” She then leans into my ear and whispers; “It’s a secret.”

A secret?! Well, I can see it now, Stacey has told her to keep it secret and whispered it to her. The same way she then whispered it to me.

“Was it one of Stacey’s friends?” Poppy went red in the face. She doesn’t know what to say and is very bad at lying given the fact she is only three years young.

She whispers in my year “Yes, but don’t tell mummy.”

“Was it a lady or a man?” I whisper back in her ear.

“A man.” She whispered back, I guess if we whisper it feels okay to talk about secrets.

Well. That was a shock but it tallies up with the lying accusations. How long has this been going on? Was it just a friend or was there more? She would have told me if it was a friend, there was nothing to hide. Plus she doesn’t really have any guy friends, the only ones are the boyfriends and husbands of our friends.

“Was it someone daddie knows?”

She shakes her head with her lips sealed shiz. “I’m not allowed to say, it’s a secret!”

Stacey comes up the stairs so I couldn’t ask any more questions. She looks suspicious of what we were talking about. This played on my mind even more. I couldn’t exactly interrogate my daughter even more. But it gave more red flags that it just wasn’t right between me and Stacey.

Christmas was fun and the children were very happy with their gifts. I built them a swing out of rope on the hooks in the ceiling which I, ironically set up for my Olympic rings and rock-climbing training equipment. They loved it. We went for a Christmas walk to play with their presents. Throughout the day I felt a sense of melancholy as I knew things would never be the same. But I was still sure that this was what had to happen. Why couldn’t they approach me without this request? Couldn’t they just find me and not had some girl who was obsessed with me, chase me and make me go through this? It was heartbreaking. My girlfriend and I knew that if it wasn’t for the kids, we wouldn’t have lasted this long. But that didn’t make things any less difficult.

During the break, I just knew that G and whoever she was working with was watching me. I should have been on my best behaviour, but they’ve been watching me before I knew they even existed; so why change how I behave? I didn’t give them permission for this intrusion, so I’m not going to do what they want. Start as I mean to go on, otherwise I’ll be an absolute puppet.

It was time to bite the bullet and tell Stacey how I was feeling. I tell her “I think we need to break up”. I was taken aback at how shocked she was to hear this. Surely she knew it was coming? She just thought she could treat me like a doormat and I’d stay with her for the kids. She thought I’d never do it, and we’d have a monotonous life together. To be honest, that sounds far more damaging. I think the biggest issue to her was that she wouldn’t have financial support and the judgement to come from others.

Instead of saying anything along the lines of ‘I don’t think we should.’ Or, ‘let’s give it a proper try first’ or even acknowledge that I felt it had become that bad that I would say this. She just instantly accepted it and said “Fine! Get out, leave!” So, I did. I didn’t even pack a bag, just got straight into the car in shock.

I didn’t know where to go. Part of me thought it would all be over very soon. That I’d done what was asked and I’d be taken away to start my training. Everything’s been dropped to be given an opportunity. I hope they keep to their end of the implied deal.

It was an ironic Christmas scene. I had my phone and wallet in my pocket and my face felt numb. As I look in the rear-view mirror to take a look at myself, I realized I was still wearing my ridiculous large print Christmas jumper! Merry fudging Christmas.

I drive up to the country with no destination in mind, I was just driving, not thinking; just staring into the distance. Feeling like this whole thing had been messing everything up of mine since it started. Perplexed that she didn’t even try to talk me out of it. I felt overwhelmingly sad and that this couldn’t be real. My mind and body didn’t feel as one, everything felt surreal. We’d been through so much together, lived in various houses across both Scotland and England. We were always there for each other. Did everything together. And now it’s all over!

It was a very windy day and the waterfall that would usually trickle down the side of the mountain was blowing wild in the wind. It was dancing vertically up, waving from side to side. It was beautiful. I had nothing else to do, so I trekked up and around, muddying and soaking the base of my jeans and trainers. I came right next to it and captured the scene on video while experiencing the emotion. Never had I seen a waterfall do such things. It seemed symbolic. I climbed down and sat next to a stream to gather myself. As I was watching the calm water trickle over rocks and tufts of grass, I then start to well up. The longer I watched the stream, the more the tears were running down my face. I hadn’t cried for many, many years. It takes an overwhelming amount of emotion to get me to cry. I couldn’t stop myself. After a while, I thought; ‘that’s enough of that, back to the car.’ Sitting in my car, it bloody happens again, uncontrollably balling. My heart hurt so much. It didn’t feel right. I felt utterly lost. Nobody to turn to. I didn’t want to be questioned on my decision, questioned of the authenticity of what I believed and what I was told. My face resembled that of someone you see after a disaster on the news where parents have lost their family. Everything was a blur. I wipe the tears from my face and in front of me, there’s someone with a big camera taking pictures!

‘For fudge sake, they’ve followed me here too!’ I should’ve known. But in hindsight, he probably saw me when driving past and pulled over; got the perfect angle of my fresh car, mountains in the background and me looking like I’d experienced the biggest disaster in my life.

I didn’t tell him to go. I just sat there calming down as a few more tears ran down my face. He sensed the invasion of privacy, so he left with his photos.

Where do I go now? I felt a strong desire to be near water. Somewhere calm to collect my thoughts and regain my composure. I got set off by the waterfall then the stream. Not the sea though, it’s too cold and wild. Google maps showed a large body of water close to where my sister was living. So, I drove there. No idea if it’s going to be any good, but I decide to go. When I arrive, I drive down a windy hardly used lane and am met by some gates stating “Private property, authorized personnel only!”

Perfect, a nice quiet private lake! I drive in and pull up. Time to chill and compose myself. Good bench and no sign of civilization for quite some distance. I live my life with the thought that everything is alive. Water is alive. If I can’t speak to anyone about this, then at least I’m with an entity of some sort. I needed to be away from people. I got the feeling that I was being watched.

There was a brand-new port-a-cabin placed in the bushes near the lake. No other buildings nearby, no construction works or anything. After looking at it, I get the sneaking suspicion that it was placed by them. Maybe when I googled it? ‘That was nice of them if it was them,’ I thought to myself. Stocked with a full roll of toilet paper too. Not too much of a rough night it’ll be then. But I can’t stay here for too long. Maybe they’ll come and get me? Seems like an appropriate place. Everything is done and I can start whatever they want me to do now. No relationship, no strings. They can make me feel better, they know it’s because of their involvement, so they will probably feel quite guilty about the situation. Some way to treat one of their star boys ay!

As darkness begins to fall, I’m feeling calmer than before. I put my headphones in, some music without lyrics so that my mind can think with clarity. Was that movement in the bushes? I had a look, but found nothing. How close are they? They must be watching from somewhere. But at least they weren’t too close and up in my face like the unwanted photographer from before.

I believe that everything is alive. Water, people, plants and animals are a given. Water and stones on the other hand can’t talk but there’s no reason why they can’t also alive. Crystals grow over a very long period. If they grow, then why wouldn’t they be alive? Just because they haven’t got mouths and ears? Plants don’t hear, but why do they grow better when exposed to classical music vs death metal? They don’t need ears to feel the vibrations and the energy transmitted.

A good experiment was done with water. A group of people are sat around a cup of water and thought happy thoughts. When the water freezes, it froze into nice symmetrical patterns. The same test was done with negative and hateful words. These crystals would freeze in chaotic, nonuniform shapes. The test was done repeatedly with the same results. If it can feel, it must be to some degree, alive.

This is why I eat meat! Well, I couldn’t hold back from eating plants and drinking water. It’s all life therefore death to continue my life. Continuous flow. Vegans and vegetarians would more than likely disagree. But when cutting plants, they give off the same vibration patterns of animals and people when in pain. So, they can feel. So, in my mind; sentient conscious or otherwise, if it’s alive and it dies; It’s the same.

I stood in front of the lake. Dubstep beats filter into my mind and vibrates through my body. I begin to use my mind to extend my hands into the lake and move the water around, stroking the lake smoothly into its depths. Feeling its whole body. It was weird. But it took mind off everything else, so it did me good. I then realized; I’m being born into this new way of living.

It felt like a birth to some degree. So, I thought I’d symbolize this birth by the water. Problem was, it was a very cold winter night and I had no towel. I went in up to my knees, put my hands in, and splashed my face. That would do. It felt like a self-baptism to wash away my old self and begin anew. If anyone was watching, they would think I was very strange. I’m never this odd by the way. Feels like I’m actually losing my mind and just going with the flow. There’s a first for everything so why not go with it instead of fighting it. At least I’m aware this is crazy behavior. But I know what was told to me followed by far too many coincidences and strangeness. It would be even more of a coincidence if all the coincidences randomly happened and were completely unrelated to the powers G is in contact with.

There was an old abandoned pig shed, covered in muck. There’s no way I was going to sleep there. Into the car I went, engine and radiators on for a night’s sleep. Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my new life. Freshly baptized, all the emotions let out.

The next day I called my sister and went to pick her up. I felt uncomfortable talking in the car with all electronic technology. But, I had to talk to her. I told her that I wanted to chat with her somewhere private. Aware that I was acting paranoid about talking openly in the car. She looks at me strangely... “Nobody can hear us don’t worry”. I told her about the lake, and she is happy to come along. When ready to leave the car, I asked her to leave her phone in the car. She was getting more and more uneasy. I grew up with her, but I was sounding and behaving very strangely. I asked her to come to the middle of nowhere and leave her phone behind. I’m her brother, yes, but she was frightened. She refused to leave the phone and said she’d put it at the bottom of her bag, so I allowed it.

We sat on the bench and I say, “what do you think of the lake?” As I point, I gesture a stroke motion in the air because of that weird rave I had the night before. “Did you just stroke the lake?” Smirking. “Haha, not to worry... never mind.” I felt it was important to not sound any crazier than I was about to.

I proceed to tell her about G and what she told me and that I’d split up with my girlfriend. She was shocked but could see it coming and was supportive of my decision. As I’d be able to see the kids; it didn’t concern her too much. I didn’t quite know how to explain how G explained things to me. So, I said, “She told me without technically telling me, using humming references.” Which on reflection, isn’t quite how it was and very confusing. I couldn’t say she said what she did word for word, but she basically did. My sister was worried about my safety. But I was ready to go for it. I had the mentality that I’d be happy to try and die than not to try at all. I’ve given up pretty much everything to try, so I’m going to give it my all.

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