Sand Deep - (25%)

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Before A.D. - Four


ree-living from freshman year at university from eighteen hit me harder than a ton of bricks. And who better to suffer this than Lara. What she must have thought was always better than what she saw. Everything new, exciting and secure.

Yes time was spent on the phone, and time was spent holding hands and taking walks. Other times were spent going to clubs, and bowling allies, cinemas, to libraries, to pool and snooker halls. I never thought about taking her to coffee shops to sit for hours on end with mocha and speak about my week at university. Instead she was bombarded with noise from my friends and my conversations with them.

I used my friends like Romeo and Tamal to be close to her. If walking from the train station to meet her was not enough then I would have walked to her home to surprise her in the middle of the night. Throw small pebbles at her window and wake her from her sleep or the conversation she was having with her mother.

My weeks at university whilst being with her were spent obsessing about her, constantly calling her and moving away from my newly made friends. This was not her fault by any means. Instead of filling my heart with reasons to love her I filled her heart mostly with my mother’s tongue, and that was disappointment either about life or that I was not spending enough time with her.

Bizarrely I told my university friends to shut up when they were trying to look after my own good. I still remember a time when one dear friend approached me whilst I was having an argument with Lara over the phone, and I strongly gestured him to leave and allow me to carry on making noise by the quiet Guy’s campus courtyard. I could not control my behaviour as I honestly thought there was nothing wrong with it.

There were times when things were good across the board; times when Lara came to London and all times shared with my first year undergraduate dorm mates. She made friends easily, she was extremely lovable and I hate myself for listening to friends as Richard. I was thick and stupid, where satisfaction did not come from my soul but from the lads where my emotions to love Lara laid. I behaved as one or both of my parents at times and I began to neglect my life’s greatest joy.

There’s nothing else to write besides the fact that I argued with her most the time, to try and get attention all the time, even when she was taking a shit. This lovely shit taker gave so much love to me that even after she wanted to split she asked her mother to call me and make up for the new millennium. My year of infamous knocks, call Him what you want as thinking too hard about how to spell millennium will obviously hurt.

The second millennium A.D. was spent in London at the flat of Naomi’s new boyfriend, Shaun. Naomi was special, she was what one would describe as a free spirit, a person being the joy of the room and she regarded me as the same. Shaun and Naomi were my classmates and fellow pre-dentists.

“The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.” [Revelation 22:21]

Shaun however was the only dentist out of us, spiritually as well as academically and whom I considered the coolest dude in our university. This guy on the first week of graduate school bought all his books for the year and started scoring aces across the board. Instead of catching up and looking to catch up with him I was possessed with Lara and finding reasons to live with my home.

Forget you as we were close?! And by the end of the second millennium on the night where the streets of London were filled with noise, and fireworks, singing from Shaun’s flat and people building up at the south foot of Tower Bridge we were all free to sin. We walked to Tower Bridge staggering and singing anything full of nonsense that came creatively or absurdly out of Naomi’s mouth. That night I remember her shouting and asking me to hold a red flashlight (that I had stolen) high above my head.

“Behold red light of Bethlehem!” she said.

I had no idea what she was taking about, nor did I realize that this sounds like an insult to Christ and that she would begin to lose her best friend the very next day. At the time I thought she’s just shouting as she was drunk, but now I am guessing she was filling jealousy over my other arm holding Lara. Rich alcohol was spilt by Naomi and then myself, which was accompanied by another friend’s sympathy involuntary production of mixed liquor as Nathan patted my back over one shoulder and regurgitated over the other. Then we ate sewage and fell asleep.

Millennium morning, aalan wa shallan, the first concrete face to see was Tamal’s. Three guys sleeping on one small room floor and Lara and I on the bed. Tamal sat whilst the other guys left the room to eat and Tamal sat. Somehow what he was trying to let me know I can feel today. The biggest expression of, ‘What?!’ without moving his lips he stared at me not even once at her early that morning. He looked at me and slowly got up to make some tea. His silence just hit me, he should have spoken, alone I would have heard him, with her I would have heard him, then again Allah ka shokra I finally heard.

The time of the millennium was more difficult for me to comprehend now than that was then. I had also made an oath to Bhagavan that millennium for the reason He did not make me Jew hence I will no longer eat cow. There have been millions of cows found in oceans and buffalo bones found in lakes but instead of giving alcohol and cigarettes a break I decided to pass off eating beef as a new-year resolution. Then God began to cry and sheltered behind the devil inside of me.

Freedom from my father at home encouraged me to act on impulse rather than thought. All my synapses worked on what shrinks’ call id. And my behaviour turned from caring, to smart, to rude, to anger, to superficial and deep torment, to Lara, and then her younger brother, to marijuana, to lose all self-confidence, to gullibility, to appreciation for my brothers, to God, through the closing walls, passed God, to my only brothers, into God, far from family, into myself, on my deathbed with God, above my friends, and further from the reign as kings and from then much further than any form of the truth.

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