To All of The Lost

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MY DAD never told me much about my mother. So here’s what I know based off some scraped-up stories and what my father has told me, my mother had light brown hair and baby-blue eyes, she had pale skin and always wore makeup, she would always to make a good expression, sometimes my father will describe her in such great detail that I wonder if my father still loves her, and there’s some part of him that wants her to return.

MY MOTHER LEFT when I was about 3 1/2. I don’t have much memories of her of course, but my from what my father told me, she was a great caring mother. Everyday after she come home from work, (they both worked back then but at completely different times, so at least one of them would always be home) she’d make sure to spend hours playing with me, even if she was exhausted from work. I smiled at that memory.

MY MOTHER AND FATHER met at their college graduation party. Sure, they would always seen each other down the halls and in their classes sometimes, as they both had went to the same high school and college, but they had never actually talked. Soon they started dating, until they became boyfriend and girlfriend, and one thing became another and they had a accidental pregnancy. Me.

After that, my mother and father decided to move into a small apartment in New York, where my mother spent most of her childhood in, and then they had me. They didn’t end up getting married until a year later and then they eventually split up and ended up divorcing 2 years later.

My father told me her name was Bethany, (like the beach, sometimes I wonder if it has something to do with the fact we moved to Bethany after they divorced…) but everybody called her Beth. My mother didn’t want to leave me, (at least that’s what my father told me) but they really had no choice.

I HAD ONE MEMORY of mother though, it’s not exactly her though…. When I was about 4, (a year after they divorced) after I eventually stopped crying for my mom every day, (though I would still whine every now and then and point to some women that looked like her sometimes, but my father would always shake his head and I look down in disappointment) my father decided to take a walk on the boardwalk, and he pulled me in a wagon. (I could walk but it was late at night) And then all of sudden, I started pointing to a women that looked like mom. My dad shake his head as per usually, but I didn’t stop there.

I thought that maybe dad didn’t see the right women, or maybe he didn’t even look at all, so I started to throw a fit, and then eventually I stumbled out of the wagon and got up and walked as fast as I could towards the woman, my father ran after me and quickly apologized and put me back in the wagon, after that, he looked at me and said “What am I gonna do with you?” And started grinning. I just looked like I was clueless.

But that day, I did realize something. My dad didn’t have to wait till I was old enough for me to understand divorce.

Because I already basically understood.

That I had no mother.

And that she basically gone forever.


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