Who Am I?

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The story of someone who is trying to figure out their gender, pronouns and sexuality :)

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Chapter 1

I was born a girl. But I don’t really feel like a girl. I don’t feel like a boy either though, so what am I? Every day I hear my name and I feel so uncomfortable, especially with she/her pronouns too. It’s like being stabbed in the back whenever they are used.

“Milly?! Where are you? Your food is ready! Ugh she never listens” I cringed at hearing “she” and “Milly” being used for me, but what could I do about it? Whenever I hear it I feel as though I have to hold back tears. I feel bad, I feel bad for not liking it. This is how I was born so why don’t I like it? Surely there must be something wrong with me, if that’s true then I can’t tell anyone and I’ll just have to accept it. “I’m coming..” I hated having to respond to it. But it’s tough luck. I slowly heave my body down the stairs, I hate this. I hate everything, I have no energy and no motivation. I feel my eyes watering as I hear my mum talking about me to her friend on the phone, not because of what she’s saying about me, but because of the pronouns and name she is using. I can’t tell her I don’t like it though, she’d think there is something wrong with me, probably because there is. “Finally! Here’s your soup” she says while handing me the hot bowl and not even bothering to ask if I’m okay while the tear slips from my eye. “Yeah I know right, teenage girls, she’s never up” I hear her say to her friend on the phone. I so badly wanted to scream I’m not a girl. But I am.. Aren’t I? Tomorrow is another day, maybe then I’ll be used to it.

I woke up feeling even more drained today but it’s school so I have to- Arrgh, what’s that ringing sound. Oh right, my alarm that my mum set for me ‘Milly it’s time to get up, I know girls need their beauty sleep but come on’ the alarm read underneath. I’m not a girl. I finally got up, it was hard though. Mentally and physically. I just want to break down and scream out to people that I’m not a girl. I want to tell people I’m not okay but who would I even tell? I have no friends, no one cares about me and I just ruin things when people do anyway. Today is the first day of school, let’s just hope it goes okay. What do I wear though? I have to make a good impression. All my clothes.. They don’t feel right, I want to wear the clothes my brother does but my mum says that ‘they are boy clothes and I’m a girl so I only need girl clothes’. I pick out the only hoodie I have, a black zip up one and soft, black leggings. I hate my long hair, it just makes me feel so.. I don’t know just so.. Like I wanna chop it all off whenever I see it so I stick it up in a high ponytail to make it look shorter.

I trudge downstairs terrified of what my mother’s reaction will be when she sees I’m not dressed ‘girly enough’. “Oh hi Mill- What are you wearing honey? I bought you that pink flowery dress for you to wear for your first day and the pink flats to go with it, and why aren’t you wearing any makeup? Here let me help you-” Ugh I hate this, it’s not that I don’t like dresses I just.. Right now? They feel too weird and make me feel so uncomfortable. “No mum- I don’t want to” I grabbed my bag and left, I couldn’t bear to deal with this right now. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea called society. It tells me how to do everything, how I should dress, who I should date, what my pronouns should be.. And I hate it. I want to talk to someone. I want help. I am drowning but slowly and I’m not sure how long I have left. I want to live and I want to be a parent and find a great partner and have a great career but I’m not sure if I can. I hate life and I’m not sure that I want to die, but I’m not really living at this point. I’m just here, I’m just existing and for what? To cause pain and feel it? I want to know what it’s like to be happy again. I feel as though I am just painting the walls of sadness with a thin coat of happiness and hope that I won’t notice when the sadness starts to show again.

I arrive at school and apparently my form tutor is Mx. Rosemary. I’m sitting there scribbling in my sketchbook when the teacher says that we are each gonna say our names and pronouns. I’m so confused. What should I say? “Hi my name is Mx. Rosemary and my pronouns are They/She. Your turn :)” They/She..? I’ve never heard of those pronouns before, I thought it was just She/Her and He/Him. They point at the person sitting next to me which means I’m either next or last, I hope I’m last. “Uh.. Hi my name is Leo but I would prefer to be called Kenzie and my pronouns are They/Them and I’m non binary” They/Them?? Non binary? I have a lot of research to do. “Okay um.. You’re next” They pointed at me. Shit! What am I supposed to say?

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