Swimming Lessons

I want to go to the beach.

No bags will be packed. Snacks remain in the pantry. Rash guard and sunscreen? In my closet. Those will not be needed.

But I want to bring you with me. You’ll come with me, right? Okay. Let’s go now.

Ah, there it is.

Maybe whoever created the earth loves blue. Look at the sea and the sky.

What is my favorite color? Until now, I don’t know. Really, I don’t. I forgot to tell you are not allowed to ask me questions today. Well, no reason other than I said so. Come on, let’s just appreciate the view.

The blue sea stretches vastly, turning into a darker shade as it meets the horizon. Whoever became lazy and named that line horizon, any way? They made it seem ordinary. It’s the line where the sea meets the sky, where the dark gives in to the light.

What? Only on a sunny day? Because sometimes when it storms the sky gets way darker?

I guess you are right. Sometimes the light gives in to the dark.

Oh, the wind. And you know the second you feel the sea breeze? Almost immediately you close your eyes and smile, because deep inside you still acknowledge the little beautiful things in this life. Even if most have taken those f0r granted.

No, I did not come here for a swim.

No, I was not thinking of getting a tan.

No, I cannot tell you.

Why not? Hey I told you can not ask questions today. I do not want to make things difficult for you. Stop asking me questions.

I’m getting into the water. It’s fine, these are only clothes. If it’s ruined, I just hope someone would care to fix it, because that’s what we should all do, fix what can be fixed. And not throw it away because we think it is replaceable. This jacket is not replaceable, my mom got it for me and sew in a prayer in the lining. So that I can be safe all the time. If only a mother’s love can protect her child completely. Love can only do so much.

Am I weirding you out? Well, you can go now. You’ve been my friend for how long and you still get weirded out when I blurt out phrases like that? Have you been faking it all along? Just go.

No, sorry, please don’t go yet.

Yeah, I’m really sorry.

You can follow me. No, please, just stay where you are. Please stay there. On the shore. Out of the water.

Do you have your phone with you? Hey can you still hear me? Your phone! Yes, your phone. Video! VID-DEO! Yes, record a video. No, not of me idiot. Switch it to front camera. FRONT CAMERA! Yes, it should show your face. Just please bear with me.

Bear with me, for the last time.

It that thing on? RECORD! Did you press record? DID YOU PRESS RECORD? Okay. Now say this:

N, YOU ARE MY FRIEND! I UNDERSTAND. I FORGIVE YOU.

N, YOU ARE MY FRIEND! I UNDERSTAND. I FORGIVE YOU.

N, YOU ARE MY FRIEND! I UNDERSTAND. I FORGIVE YOU.

Save it. You will forgive me right? I SAID, YOU MEAN ALL THAT, RIGHT?

Okay, now you earned your surprise! Of course that’s why I was weird. Yep, that is the only reason. Go get it now! It’s inside your dishwasher! DISHWASHER! I’m fine here. Just go. Don’t comeback here. Yes, just go. If someone uses the dishwasher, your surprise will be ruined. I will give you a clue : you can play it on xbox. That got your attention. I will be fine. I know I’m the best. Yes. Bye now! Bye.

I watched you walk away, you look so happy and it is a glorious moment, because I know I made you smile.

But I hope you do understand. Even if not immediately, even if it takes you weeks, months, or years. I hope you will understand. I need you to understand so you can forgive me.

I told you not to ask questions, because even then you always ask the right questions, I just never had the answer.

What is wrong? Why am I crying? Am I okay?

I do not know what is wrong. But I know that as each day pass, nothing feels right.

I cannot trace the specific reason for the tears. I wake up and feel empty. Moments before I sleep, it is exactly the same. When I cry, I feel. It is addicting, but when I cry, I feel.

I wanted it to be true when I say I’m okay. But it is only when I’m with you this is true. But you can not be with me all the time.

When I ask you to come to the beach with me, I wanted to reminisce how we got our first swimming lessons here, courtesy of the random lifeguard. We were taught to swim. To reach the surface for that breathe of life. But I always wondered, what will it feel like to drown?

I swim further away, until my feet cannot touch anything.

One look at the shore. One look at the sky. One look at the horizon.

Then I submerged myself.

Why?

Because unlike the surface, it is quiet, so quiet, so calm, underwater. Nothing is wrong, because there is nothing here that makes me feel unimportant or unwanted. I can not cry because, well, you can not do that underwater.

Am I okay?

Well I cannot breathe. But, as long as I can remember, this is the most okay I felt.

I am drowning.

It is crazy, but I am drowning.

We were only taught how to swim. So we can survive. But, see, even when I’m in the surface, I do not think I am surviving.

So I chose to drown.

Easy way out? Maybe.

But at least it is my choice.

Better than just existing,walking the same direction as others, but can not help feeling lost.

This is me, a girl full of dark and ugly thoughts, offering herself to the light and serenity.

My search for peace is over now.

Friend, maybe you now know what I am up to. Play the game I bought you. I hope you find my note much later.

This will hurt you for a while, but please, please, only let it hurt your for a while. Don’t let my absence affect you forever. My selfishness craves for you to be a sad a bit when I am gone. I feel that would validate our friendship. But please. Please.

Please, be happy.

I hope when you see the beach, you think of our first swimming lesson, when it was so hard for you, but you tried.

And tried.

And tried again.

Until you can swim.