I don't remember the exact moment it happened, but at some point in the school day I, or somebody else, must've said or done something to make me start to lose my grip on my happiness. I mean, it's not like I'm not used to this. This happens everyday, but I can normally fix myself right up or hide it easily before going someplace new or talking to someone. Today was different though. And nothing helped to make me get some feeling that wasn't self hate. The thought of food made me feel sick, my body refused to sleep, my computer refused to work, and I had no idea when my girlfriend would be getting online.
I dropped my bag to the ground and faceplanted onto my bed, sighing quietly. 'My parents are at work and my brother is at a friends house.' I thought to myself. 'I'll be home alone for about 6 hours..' I replayed those thoughts over and over again. "Fuck." I finally spoke out loud. I pushed myself up and shut my door, locking it. Even if I was home alone, I didn't want to risk someone coming in and seeing the mental mess I knew I was about to become. With nothing else to do, I sat back down on my bed, back against the wall, and wrapped a blanket around myself. Despite it being somewhere in the 80's in my house, I was shivering cold.
I sat in silence for a couple minutes and tried to keep it that way, but nothing could stop the negative thoughts accumulating in my mind. 'You need to lose weight.' 'Your friends don't really like you.' 'You're annoying.' 'You could easily be replaced with someone, or just disappear, and no one would notice.' These insults, and many others, repeated themselves, getting louder and worse the longer I sat there. "Shut up. Please. Nothing's even wrong?" I fought back by whispering to myself, but my thoughts were winning. I soon felt heat running down my cheeks and dripping off onto my blankets. At this point, I had just given up and sobbed. 'You talk too much anyways.' I shakily grabbed my iPod and let it play whatever song came on, trying to drown out my thoughts with music. And it kinda worked. The thoughts got quieter and so did my crying, until 'Still' by Ben Folds came on. I loved that song, but right now it just made my situation worse. I cried harder than I did before and it felt like something dark was smirking behind me and in my head.
I couldn't move at this point. 'You're going to get in trouble if you don't do something.' 'You have homework you need to do, unless you want to fail school this year.' 'Maybe your girlfriend will break up with you if you don't reply to her.' That's when everything went silent. I immediately stopped crying, thinking, making noise. All I did was breathe and replayed that last thought in my head. 'Reply to her.' Where had that come from? I never heard a notification go off. And yet, when I checked, there was one. Others had messaged me, asking for things, or letting me know about plans they wanted to make, but Shaydinn was the only one to just ask me how my day had been. I breathed a sigh of relief and messaged her back about the parts of school I could remember, and left out everything that had just happened for the past 2 hours. I was numb, which was better than feeling like shit, but I was able to make it seem like everything was okay.
We talked and roleplayed for a bit. At some point I had gotten up, fixed up my silverish ponytail, and cleaned up my face. I was better at this point and pushed today's events into the very far back of my head. "I'm not sure how much more of this I can take." I stared at myself in the mirror. The grey bags under my eyes felt heavier and my, normally chocolate, eyes looked like bottomless pits. I sighed and went back to my room. I talked with Shaydinn until she finally went to sleep around 11:30, then continued to stay up till 2AM, before finally crashing from the numbness of today.