I asked for my records to be revealed and the veils lifted.
There was confusion, instantly replaced by sadness, deep hopelessness and the black claws of fear, bottomless fear. It was not my fear but it was part of me. I heard a woman cry, sob desperately with so much pain. A wave of angry violence flooded towards me, dense and inescapable it mingled with my essence, confirming what I knew. I could feel the pain, too, her pain, as she wept and whimpered helplessly, wounded and alone. I perceived a heavily thumping heart and rasping breath and despised myself for those revelations. I had to make good, balance the scales, go back and open myself to receiving whatever needed to come my way. This was my plan, my choice, and I already dreaded it on another, deeper level.
The despair and sadness had become alive again, I could feel it, it was still part of me, part of her, somehow. I felt an urgent need to cleanse it, let the balancing commence for there to be healing, light and peace. Only I could do this and it was urgent because she was already in the physical again and had conceived. The wheels had been set in motion according to my instructions, my plans, my choice.
I knew I would have to go soon, very soon. Time was running out fast but still, I wanted so much not to have to go, not to have to bear this, as I also knew that I would be hurt, wounded and that sadness and a painful yearning would be my reality on this new path, this lone path.
I closed my eyes and turned away, not wanting to see any more, not wanting to recognise this in its entirety.
No, I thought in hopeless desperation, no, please, not me, not now…